To think that primary schools are sending a really shitty message to well behaved kids

I’m nearly 40 and this happened when I was at primary and secondary. It won’t change.

I do not agree with this at all.

the little shites get award after award for ‘sitting still’ and ‘trying hard’ whilst those that are ALWAYS good are ignored. There is nothing wrong with praising both types of children for good behaviour. Just because it’s expected of the well behaved ones doesn’t mean they don’t deserve praise for it.

and let’s be real, the positive reinforcement for the little shites doesn’t work. They still behave terribly whenever they feel like it.

This is happening all the time in every school. Fucks me right off.

Completely relate to this. My DDs are v well behaved. Dd1 is at a grammar now and doing extremely well. At primary she barely existed and I felt shit. She is v thick skinned though.
dd2 was acutely aware she wasn’t a favourite but in year 5 she got a fabulous fabulous nqt who was amazing at praising all the kids and making them feel special. Dd2 takes him a present at the end of the year and Xmas even though she’s left now. It doesn’t need to be like this but teachers need to break the mould.

The purpose of those awards is to support dc who find it harder to manage their behaviour. I don't think there's anything wrong with explaining that to your dc, so they aren't expecting the award, I know I did this.

But, ultimately, your dc is at a massive advantage over the dc with neurodisabilities, trauma experiences, mental health problems, or just generally not great parents. I say, let them have the awards. They are likely to have many many fewer nice experiences than your dc.

Oh I hear you OP

My DD has additional learning needs and possible ASD but no behaviour issues at all.

She's so quite, she just knuckles down and does the work even though it's hard.

I always think the teachers give the awards to those who need that boost but our quiet, well behaved, plodders do to.

I run a youth club with the same kids from the school and am always looking for ways to reward our "unsung heros" and show them we see them for the wonderful little humans that they are

It’s always been the same. DD who has ADHD was a well behaved high achiever - she was always overlooked. DP and I sought to encourage her not to associate her worth with a piece of paper/sticker/star. We taught her that her worth was inside her - the glow she got when she did a great piece of work or persevered to understand and navigate social situations etc.

As long as she knows her family are proud of her and her achievements she’ll be ok. Academic achievement isn’t the be all and end all. Look to her hobbies etc for positive reinforcement as well.

Used to call them the invisible children when I worked in schools. Well behaved, polite, hard working kids who didn’t cause any trouble. I absolutely agree that they should be rewarded and praised.

At my DD’s primary school there was a “motivational” award which was awarded every week to one kid in the class. It quite obviously just shuffled round all of them, even though the idea was that they were meant to have done something great that week. My DD used to get very upset that she hardly ever got it, despite being a model student. Some of the worst behaved students would get it just for sneezing nicely that week 😆 But she took it very much to heart.

One year they forgot her entirely, and she waited all year for her turn to come, and then ended the last week in tears believing that she’d been deliberately left out and the teachers hated her. At that point I had to let her in on the secret - that it was just a behaviour reward tool, and not actually a merit award at all. She finally understood, but was quite disillusioned by the whole thing; and really, it’s not really fair or the right message to take these things to extremes where children who are well behaved and try hard think they are disfavoured compared to little Tony who has only just managed to sit still that week. There has to be a bit of balance!

I agree with you, op, it's very unfair. It's rewarding bad behaviour and trying to bribe badly behaved children. It does nobody any good.

There was a great thread a few years back where a y3/4 kid started acting up completely out of character, when asked why he told the teacher so in a month or so i can go back to and get the HT award.

I've been on both sides... one child who seemed to win everything, then the overlooked one. DD1 thinks its unfair that her sister never gets anything even though she tries hard. DD2 thinks she just isn't good enough. The awards have been brilliant for DD1s self esteem and destroyed DD2s (and this is at Secondary!)

To put it into context... DD2 is Yr7 and already recieving "GCSE pass levels" in several subjects. She is smart. She's also the kid who would lose her head if it wasn't screwed on so gets "strikes" for forgotten equipment and homework.

Have I read it right that the certificate only gets given out every other month? So only six a year for the whole school? There’s going to be a LOT of children who don’t get one. That seems really bizzare that they give certificates out so infrequently, the school needs to do something about that! I know I’m missing the main point here with this, but that’s absolutely baffled me.

I agree and it's similar in secondary where the kids whose behaviour is poor are given much more latitude than the quiet well behaved ones.

There's children demanding to be let out of lesson, able to arrive late without consequence, don't do homework, suck up all the teachers time and attention getting them on track but the other 28 kids in the lesson are just quietly getting on with it.

My child is autistic and well behaved which is a huge problem. Bottom of the senco's pile.

I can totally understand why it would be disappointing for her.

Our school is pretty good I think. Each class has a couple of children who get singled out for special praise in the weekly newsletter and in assembly on Fridays. Sometimes it's for good academic work, sometimes for showing kindness or empathy or resilience and sometimes for improved behaviour and attitude. So everyone gets a chance as they do pick from long-term good behaviour as well as improvements or just elements of good character.

Same. It's really quite soul destroying.

I agree with pp that while some kids will find it easier to follow the school rules, it doesn’t mean that it takes them no effort so shouldn’t be recognised. They are often the ones who don’t flag that small crap which often makes it a little easier for the adults in charge.

Just because school take her effort for granted, doesn’t mean that you can’t reward her for being a star. Her hard work will pay off one day

DD told me when she was 5 that stickers were just for the naughty children.

She's average, OP. That never gets noticed in bigger contexts. If she's quietly got on with things all year without fanfare, and some previously feral child has visibly improved, that gets noticed above a straight line of fine. You just need to big up her fabulousness at home.

I agree with you as a parent and as someone who works in a school. My DD is similar, and in year 5. She has never had the equivalent award. Her behaviour and attitude is wonderful and she is meeting academic expectations for her age. She is just an all round pleasant kid. To complicate it, her brother has ASD and is challenging. He has had so many awards for eg sitting on the carpet, coming into school with a positive attitude. DD gets it, has never complained.

Had parents evening this week and after the teacher waxed lyrical about how lovely she was, I asked whether she would get an award. Explained that her hard work hasn't been recognised in the way that matters to the kids. It was taken on board, and she got one today. She was absolutely over the moon and we've taken photos to send to all the grandparents.

I really recommend speaking up because I think sometimes schools use these things as a tool and don't realise the effect that having these awards, or not having them, has on the kids. It means so much to them.

When ds2 was at primary school we explained to him that only the naughty kids get the rewards and only the noisy, pushy ones get the leading parts in the plays. This set him up to not be disappointed in not getting anything (quiet, well behaved autistic). We gave rewards at home when we needed to. He used to say it wasn't fair though and why bother trying hard.