Husbands priorities all wrong

As pp have said, find a different job. Based on what you say you do, you are underpaid.

I would sit down and tell him you are close to leaving, that you are sick of the way things are, his attitude, his lack of attention to the children, his none existent help, his constant pestering. Tell him that seduction and romance starts as soon as he wakes up, with the help he gives, the appreciation he shows you etc etc. Not just asking for his needs to be met when you have done 101 things, some of which he should be bloody well doing!.
Tell him how exhausted you are and all of this is because of him. That you would be better off living without him.

He sounds like a selfish arse and needs to know what he stands to lose.
He really needs to be told what he is doing, he knows I'm sure, but he needs it spelling out to him. Let him know you are serious about leaving both him and his piss taking company.

But why are you on minimum wage as an admin assistant for your DH's company? And why are your earnings paying for nursery???

Who did the admin when you were on maternity leave ?

Oh OP.

10 years ago I worked for what sounds like a similar setup. Group of blokes that used to work together who thought they could do it for themselves so started a company. It got busy quickly so they had to get someone in to “answer the phones” ie take care of all the admin. I started at 2.5 days a week then quickly went up to FT. They didn’t value what I did as I wasn’t doing work that could be invoiced. What I was doing was creating an efficient admin system that meant invoices/POs/timesheets etc could be created, traced and filed (they did file anything alphabetically, just bunged it in the drawer!) I was also the “Hardware Sales Team”. I contributed a ton to their multi-million pound business and I think they did appreciate what I did eventually, but they never valued what the admin team did as it wasn’t something they were interested in.

Your boys sound the same (apart from the money guy who sounds like a complete twat. He may not be from the same sector but his business knowledge was pitiful if that was his attitude).

10 years ago, I was on £30k.

YOU ARE NOT DOING A MINIMUM WAGE JOB.

You are being massively underpaid and undervalued.

If they can’t afford to pay you more, they are not running a going concern, they are running a failing business that can’t support itself. If you weren’t there, who would do your work? Would the individuals be able to do all their own admin without reducing the amount of revenue they generate? If not, they need admin support and they don’t get away with paying a pittance for it because you’re the boss’ wife (which is frankly the opposite of how that usually goes!).

You would love to know what they’d pay someone else to do your job? They won’t find anyone else to do your job (it’s not a good job).

Have you found yourself in this job because you were supporting your UH’s startup? I don’t understand how your husband is willing to allow you to be treated like this? I can see a small business taking advantage of loyal staff who stay late and do extra work FOC, but your husband should be able to see how utterly unsustainable this is. How can he be ok with you looking after the children ALL DAY and then starting an 8 hour day?! You are on your knees slogging your guts out to help his business and you’re not even a director getting a generous dividend! He’s got you on minimum wage. Go get a zero hours job with Amazon. Bet you get paid more. There is no reason why you should continue to work for your husband’s company. It’s either going to go bust as it’s been so badly managed OR they are such bad employers that you shouldn’t work for them. What holidays/pension etc do you get? Sickness? Maternity?

Are you writing reports for GRADUATES???

how much is your husband making? Do you feel what he pays for is fair? If you’re on £25k ish, I assume his income is similar if he pays an equal amount of things. Have you worked out what percentage you are both actually paying? Are you doing 50:50 but he earns x3 as much as you?

Frankly, your husband should be ashamed of himself for letting you be treated so appallingly. He should be in your corner, sticking up for you not allowing you to be taken for a ride by his business partners.

Start looking for a new job, tell husband he’s going to have to pony up for nursery fees and also stop lying on the couch to work (why is he working that late?! Again, if they can’t get their work done in normal business hours they’re running a failing business. Occasional late nights are ok but not every night).

I’d look into UC entitlement, get a copy of the accounts for your solicitor then divorce the b*gger.

You’re not showering, brushing your teeth or (I’m sure) eating regularly. This is an emergency situation OP that needs ro change immediately. You cannot work from 6am to midnight without serious health consequences. You will make a mistake at work or work the kids that will get someone hurt. I hope you’re not driving on ther sleep.

i can only see three options. The kids go into nursery four days a week now, you reduce your hours or he reduces his hours. This needs to happen now and not in September.

I would work out which one you want and works for you family and have said down conversation with him where you tell him what needs to change. Explain the actions that you’ve chosen and the plan towards those changes. This is very different than you telling me something needs to change and him just agreeing and placating you. If you can’t afford nursery then you’ll need to drop your hours. Don’t ask permission, tell home this is what’s happening. You can work together to sort out your finances from there but the dropping the hours is non negotiable. I think you have to do this to keep yourself and your children safe. I’d be refuses then you leave and drop the kids off to
him half of the time.

Rather than leave your husband, I actually think you need to quit your job and get a better paying one so you can afford childcare full time (and have time off in the evenings). Then decide what to do about your relationship - things are too fraught atm. Your work situation is the first problem to fix as it's not at all sustainable. Hand in your notice tomorrow and start job hunting!

Not sure how you can bear to touch him, he sounds completely foul. Better to be single than with someone who makes your life miserable.

Go job hunting and find a job that gets you out if the house working with people other than your husband.
Don't tell your husband about it until everything is agreed.

Be ruthless - you need work clothes, a hair cut & do it leaving the kids with him. Leave him to deal with their needs.

Start the job.
Make sure your WFH husband is the first call for the children in event of emergencies.

Consider whether you want to stay with your husband considering his demands.

So he does his days work while the children are awake and you're occupying them but you do your working hours when the children are mainly in bed and he gets to do fuck all

Very few ppl are looking after children all day and then doing a full 8 hour shift. Maybe an evening job a couple of days a week but it sounds like you're working full time and looking after the children for hours a day. No wonder you are exhausted.

I'd suggest you do your hours in the day and he logs on at 4pm after a day looking after the children - he ll be so tired, getting his cock sucked will be last thing on his mind.

This is not sustainable. If he can't see how blatantly unfair this set up is, then you probably don't have much choice but to divorce him.

OP what you're doing is unsustainable and you need to stop before you make yourself ill! Sit your husband down and point out that you are working an 8 hour day after a full 10 hours looking after 2 very small children. If he wants a happy healthy wife, things need to change now. Firstly, your job - you are not performing a minimum wage role. I think you'd be better off working 3 or 4 days in a different job and putting the children in childcare - this is not an expense that you should be paying for alone. The children being in childcare allows you BOTH to work and he should be paying his fair share.

Also, he should be working upstairs out of the way when you are home with the children - stop keeping the children out of his way and when he complains, tell him to move to another room. He is taking the piss lying on the sofa!

Finally, you need to tell him that sex in any form is off the table until such time that there is a more equal distribution of work, childcare and household chores. If he wants you to feel like sex, he needs to realise that you are completely exhausted and help find a solution as what you're doing is unsustainable. If you need to make your point clear, hand him his children and tell him you're going away for a couple of nights because you need a break - book yourself into a premier inn and sleep, eat and watch tv for a few days. You need to recharge your batteries.

@Exhaustedslave this is actually quite upsetting to read. I went off my ex (didn’t live together) after some red flags and couldn’t stand his touch. I was lucky able to end it but those last few weeks were awful. I just can’t imagine having an actual husband though who was incapable or didn’t want to support me first through my well being issues and didn’t care if I was happy or not or showing signs of struggle and instead kept prioritising his sexual needs over your mental and physical well being. I’m so very sorry you’re in this situation. From my short time on MN, there are so many amazing women whose partners are quite frankly undeserving of them. I haven’t been through anything like this so will leave it to others to offer their words of wisdom but I just wanted to comment to show empathy and support ♥️

I agree with other PPs...don't you dare just give your "D"H sex just because he's whining about it! Who the hell does he think he is?! You're already doing more than enough and in what seems to be really shitty circumstances (you're a better woman than me, I think I would have cracked months ago).

I was going to ask you about the financial set up at home...I saw that you'd written that you can't afford more than two days at nursery because of your NMW wage. Are you solely responsible for the childcare costs? If so, why isn't he paying towards those costs? Can he stretch to a cleaner once a week and also fork out to have your youngest in nursery for the same two days each week as your toddler (so that you could have a day to yourself because Lord knows you need it, and a day to do your work hours during the day)? He needs to parent the DC more (and grow up/stop this nonsense about not being able to parent his own children and start bloody learning FFS). He also needs to fuck off from the sofa and do his WFH elsewhere in the house. You're both working FT, so housework, parenting and downtime should be equally shared. If he's not going to pull his weight practically, then he can bloody well pay to outsource some childcare days and cleaning.

Having said that, I did divorce my XH. For other reasons, and I was earning more than NMW as a B5 nurse at the time, but I ended up finding it far bloody easier to parent my two DC, work FT and run the house as a solo parent than when I was still with him.

You need to down tools and look after yourself before you burn out completely.

Go on strike. Do it now!

You have my sympathy. What do you want from this thread, a rant or suggestions on how to help improve the situation? You deserve better than this and there are lots of people here that will be able to suggest things and you pick which is best for your situation.

Oh, and he’s a useless husband!

He is no life partner. I think a partner should make you feel good about yourself, support you, respect you, be interested in you and generally add something to your life.

Hubby Dearest doesn’t sound like he does any of that. The “you’re too hard on yourself” is BS. You’re not taking too much on, you’re dealing with everything that has been pushed onto you through his lack of ability to adult.

He’s a lazy arse who isn’t cut out for family life. Some people just suck 🤷🏻‍♀️

Honestly, this sounds like a lost cause - you don't trust him with the kids, he ignores them when he's supposed to be responsible for them - use this weekend away with your mum to get the headspace to come up with a plan to do next.

And yes, I'm sure he says that you're too hard on yourself with work, that you should just do a bit less, but then if you did, he'd expect you to spend that time looking after the kids while he did nothing/he'd complain that some kind of work wasn't done/he'd want you to spend that time blowing him, so you still don't win.

BTW, don't listen to anyone who says if you divorce it would be 50/50 - we know it wouldn't. BUT. I found it easier without the hope and disappointment, and being able to train the kids without interference so that they became easier to parent.

I cannot afford any more than this

Dare I ask, how are your finances split? Are you just paying for childcare?

What’s the work setup? Is it your husband’s company? Who was this oh so knowledgeable git that said you were only worth minimum wage? Are you the admin for 4 people? What does your job entail and how much is everyone else on? Do you think you are doing a minimum wage job?

Find out how much only the company makes (are you a shareholder?), find out how much your U(seless) H makes then kick him out and get a proper job. From what you’ve written you’d be better off on UC with a PT job than your current setup.

(Sorry for all the questions!)

I know you're already swamped, but, start looking for another job. They can find someone else and you can find somewhere you're valued. Hell, even Asda pays better, has shifts that'll work around you, and you can get a discount from your shopping (or you could when I worked there)

also:

• National Living Wage: Applies to workers aged 21 and over.
• National Minimum Wage: Applies to workers aged 18-20 and those under 18.

They've just changed the name, not the amount of money - 12.21/hour (unless you're actually getting the actual living wage, then it's 12.60 - it's not going to pay for more hours of childcare)

minimum wage doesn't get you very far these days

When did you last have a pay rise from this company? How about they hire an external admin, and you get yourself a better paying job for someone else, so you can put the children in nursery - you can do drop-offs, him pickups, and you get to earn more, and get some space which I think you sorely need

OP, you're burned out (even without stopping to satisfy him - btw, how would it go down if you said that you needed to relax before you went to bed, and he needed to go down on you at midnight?)

Is he the kind of person that if you laid out your timetable and his timetable, he would see it's unfair? Or would that all be your fault too?

If he has time to shower before he starts work, he has time to look after the children while you shower. I realise you are worried about them, and that he likely rather than parent, would just bring them in to you as you try to shower (you can guess how I know this), but they will be fine for 20 minutes while you're in the bathroom, he can manage that at least - then when you have your head straight from that tiny sliver of time to yourself, you can figure out what you want to do from here.

Life is far too short for his nonsense. I would take the kids and leave him.