WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

I honestly think the dcs just think he’s a pillock anyway and are used to him. Eldest Ds said as much earlier today “don’t worry mum, we all know what he’s like - we live with him don’t we? You shouldn’t think that we don’t get it or think he’s funny or a crazy guy for doing that”. That made me feel validated but also really sad that he feels that way.

you need to take some responsibility here. You’ve had multiple kids with a guy that quite clearly does not give a fuck - bordering on a psychopathic disorder. Protect your children.

He is not a "good father." As a complete outsider reading your tale, I gleaned these traits about your relationship:

1. He treats you like his mother, may I go? Your not his f***g mother. That's disgusting.

2. You set up traps for him "up to you," instead of telling him he's an adult and you are not his parent and he is more than old enough to know what he should do with one child in the hospital and another child home alone. This is not f+++++g rocket science. Dad should be able to figure this out, autism notwithstanding.

3. He left his minor son alone in the middle of a family crisis letting a video game be his companion. That is your other child. I understand you did not have the physical ability nor the mental or emotional bandwidth for your son, but your husband did and didn't do a damn thing for him. You son is not immune to feelings, especially fear, just because he plays video games. So we are clear, that's called child abandonment. I don't care how old that kid is, his sister is in the hospital with very serious health concerns. I'm going to repeat that: child abandonment.

Your husband and father of your children had A DUTY TO BE THERE FOR HIS SON. By not being there, by leaving his son alone, he was telling his son by his actions exactly where his son is in his father's hierarchy of concerns and how much lower his daughter is in his hierarchy of concerns. It is probable your husband has done this before to his children and with something this alarming and life threatening, may have caused grave emotional harm, but it won't really show up for several years.

4. Harm, however, is definitely showing up for you. You want to convince yourself your son did not notice his father left him alone while his sister's health was critical because it's too painful to think about what it actually meant for your son and your plate is overfull. His "fucking off" quadruples his abandonment of you and your children and reinforces his dearth of actual care for all of you.

5. He doesn't care. Seriously. Take this in. He doesn't give a rat's ass. He might do things that make it seem like he does, but he doesn't.

This is a really important concept and one that you brought up. He didn't want his lifestyle to change because that impacted his wellbeing, so he adjusted, but he was slipping back.

In the middle of a crisis he did what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it and no other person's wellbeing impacted that. He doesn't care. What father doesn't call to find out about his hospitalized daughter? Take a call from his stressed out wife and mother of his child? There is nothing that he can ever do or say that will change the hard, stone-cold fact of his actions. He really, truly doesn't care.

6. I laughed so hard when you wrote you're not angry. Girl, when you finally blow, I'm going to get lava all over my house and I'm in San Diego, an ocean and a continent away. You are so deeply enraged it bleeds molten through every word.

You are so overwhelmed you are out of touch with yourself and have absolutely no idea what you feel. But I feel like someone should hide your knives before he gets home because hiding a body is a lot of work. And then the kids would have no one.

You gotta come to Jesus on this, and I don't mean religion, but that works for some people, I mean face the actual facts. It will change your life and your life needs changing.

Wishing your daughter health and a clean recovery. Wishing your son a sports team, ping pong, curling, anything. Send him out here, we have surfing.

Please get rid of this dead weight OP. I’d use the time he’s away to do some research. I’d feel pretty worthless if I was your DD and my dad fucked off on a jolly while I was in hospital. Show her she is worth more.

All I could think was - you didn’t bother changing while it was only making me unhappy - but now there are consequences for you, you’re suddenly motivated to. Just proves my point really.

@Endoftheroad12345 just thought I’d highlight this again - really insightful I think.

he still hasnt asked about his child! this is ridiculous now

Thing is...he didn't tell his family he had plans or a ticket. A bit different to a planned, known about trip to what he has done.

Sounds like AI.

I would tell him not to come back afterwards

I am 43 and I would totally go to Glasto again, even though the last time I went was in 2007 and a big night out for me these days is out for dinner until 10pm.

I would not, however, go if my child was hospitalised for an eating disorder, regardless of how hard tickets were to come by. It wouldn’t cross my mind to want to go.

Glastonbury isn’t my thing, but live music is completely different from listening at home.

And it’s not an age-restricted activity - how strange that someone would think that over-25s aren’t interested in music!

That’s nothing to be proud of. Some people are actually fun you know. Why the casual ageism and sexism? Plenty of people in their 30s and 40s and beyond go to Glastonbury and other festivals such as Download, not to mention gigs. Are we all supposed to turn into a hermit once reaching an arbitrary age?

The lack of respect for the Dad is very out of order. He probs sacrifices a lot, provides a lot and is allowed to have a break for a few days. Tickets are notoriously hard to get too. As for the DC not being impressed, they should be more grateful for the sacrifices that their father has no doubt made for them over the years, this attitude shows everything that’s wrong with modern parenting

My DH is autistic. It's typical autistic behaviour that if something unusual and unexpected happens (e.g. child in hospital) to not be able to process it very quickly and therefore by default to stick to the original plan (e.g. go to Glastonbury), however inappropriate that now is. He needs really clear communication and for you to spell out to him exactly what you need (even if it seems obvious to everyone else). My DH appreciates me just saying what I want, even if to me it sounds rude being so blunt! My DH would have been confused with a "go if you want" answer and would have gone too, I expect.
Hope your daughter gets better soon OP. I think a PP has mentioned the link with autism and eating disorders. It could be worth mentioning at hospital that she may be autistic too, so she receives the best approach to her care for her needs.

If you have been with him for over 20 years, you will know... PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE! If you are staying with him in the vain hope that he will or that you'll be able to mould him to 'how you want him to be', it just isn't going to happen.
Have you heard about the new book from Mel Robbins called, Let Them?
The sooner you stop projecting your expectations of yourself and your own values onto other people, the sooner you will stop feeling disappointed when they let you down. It's better to have no expectations at all and then you're always pleasantly surprised!
Just let him do what he wants to do. I know that wi piss you off, because it would me too but now you have the opportunity to reevaluate your marriage and lifestyle based on what you know his choices are. He chose to go to Glastonbury come hell or high water, over looking after your sick daughter in hospital and the emotions and physical wellbeing of his frazzled wife.
I think you need to think long and hard about whether your marriage has a future because it sounds like this opened up Pandora's box of old, unresolved issues and feelings. Good luck trying to squash the lid back down on all of that.

I think this is such an important post on this thread. It draws some really clear truths from the POV of a poster who's been there.

Music festivals are part of a lot of people’s identity

Do you think him being a present and concerned father and partner should be a more prominent aspect of his identity than going to a festival? Given how he chose to get married and have children? Did op not need support during this testing time?

OMG are you married to my ex. He did the same thing re embellishing stories. So cringe. It’s borne out of insecurity IMO, and a tenuous grasp on the truth.

He did it especially with his (similar) father - they had a weird damaged relationship (dumped in boarding school when his parents moved to Hong Kong when he was 15 among other things) and it was a way of getting his dad’s attention/approval - telling these embellished stories like a performing seal.

He remembers nothing because other people aren’t important to him.

All that tells me is that man children attend Glastonbury too and not just young 20-somethings.

Just like OP's manchild DH. How can anyone over the age of 25 have the energy to go to such a place? I would probably fall asleep in the concert hall.

Preserve your peace @Hopetheportaloosareminging

I spent years sending long messages to my ex, explaining all the ways he was wrong, asking him to get diagnosed for autism, meds for anxiety, querying whether he had intermittent explosive disorder… he did not give a fuck. As long as I stayed and he kept the status quo as he liked it, he didn’t see any need for change.

He did start caring when I told him the marriage was over. Suddenly there were promises of therapy, change, etc etc etc (while still being an absolute cunt to me when I didn’t fall for it). All I could think was - you didn’t bother changing while it was only making me unhappy - but now there are consequences for you, you’re suddenly motivated to. Just proves my point really.

Also - the fact he says you gave him permission says it all really. A father who gave a shit about his DD wouldn’t want to go, let alone dream of asking. It demonstrates that he thinks the kids are your responsibility and that his relationship with his DD isn’t something he cares about for him/her self. My ex was/is identical.

What an odd takeaway from this thread.

There you go. Lots of ‘grown people’ for you.

Im not sure how you can allow him back into the home after that I would be changing the locks

I don’t know how you could stay with someone so selfish. Leaving a daughter in hospital, and his other children unattended at home, and you to care for everyone…? It’s just unfathomable to me. A good father and husband would not want to be away from his family in this situation, let alone actually do it and then be able to enjoy himself.

Do grown people actually go to music events?

Why not just listen at home?