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Original poster

WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

889 replies

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 15:58

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

OP posts:
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6
Lostworlds · 28/06/2025 07:08

I think the fact that he hasn’t bothered to phone to check to make sure dd is okay and if you’re alright just shows how selfish he is.

Of course he would use that excuse but any decent and responsible parent would put their family first.
Even then, even if he decided he needed to go, surely he would check in more rather than posting pictures showing how much fun he’s having.

Sounds like your children know how lousy he is but it’s teaching your dd that some people don’t care. She needs her father to step up and support her, demonstrate his love for her and make her see that he’s going to be there in the hard times but really he’s shown that he doesn’t care and that’s horrible.

I think I would find this far too hard to move past.

SunD0wn · 28/06/2025 06:48

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 28/06/2025 06:42

Would you have left your daughter while she was in hospital to go to Glastonbury for four day and never once ask about her wellbeing? Really?

Show quote history

Yes if my husband was there, even when she was on one of her many refeeding programmes and long stays. An overnight physical monitoring stay is just that and the wider condition needs to be looked at. You have to pace yourselves and grab opportunities when you can. It’s also very important parents work together and are on the same page which is incredibly hard. Treatment is family therapy, I hope OP is getting access to that as it would be far more helpful to discuss this with a family therapist than with a group of frothing MNers.

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 28/06/2025 06:42

SunD0wn · 28/06/2025 06:16

Hi Op I have an autistic daughter who has had serious anorexia for years involving frequent very long re feeding, tube feeding and monitoring stays in hospital. As you know Anorexia is horrific for both parents and parents cope in different ways. You have to grab the joy when it appears. It is also important for sufferers to see life goes on for those around them and what they’re missing.This was advice we had from several professionals which has helped hugely with recovery.

I’m not sure what you expected from your husband.I wouldn’t have expected my husband to hover at home whilst my daughter was in hospital or vice versa if he was in with her and I was at home. It is a marathon and hugely tough on marriages. Although it’s worrying she wasn’t in for long and her being allowed to go home is a big positive. I hope things are continuing to go well at home.

Yes yes re wording as regards autism. You weren’t that clear and those with autism take things very literally. Also they can bolt and not know how to handle difficult emotions. Yes not great in some situations but they’ll be amazing in other situations and have many positive characteristics too.

I presume CAMHs know that there is autism in the family and I’d mention it if not as it can impact treatment in patients.

Would you have left your daughter while she was in hospital to go to Glastonbury for four day and never once ask about her wellbeing? Really?

SunD0wn · 28/06/2025 06:25

When he returns op could you organise some self care time slots for yourself. It’s important that you both look after yourselves. Have time together and apart to recharge. It will be hugely important for your husband as he will use up tolerance of all the stress and anxiety quicker but it’s also just as important for you to get some time away even if just a few hours at a time.

Also treatment very much involves parents working as a united front so it will be necessary to resolve your differences somehow. Maybe talk things through away from your daughter, communicating how you feel and making a self care/ coping plan together.

SunD0wn · 28/06/2025 06:16

Hi Op I have an autistic daughter who has had serious anorexia for years involving frequent very long re feeding, tube feeding and monitoring stays in hospital. As you know Anorexia is horrific for both parents and parents cope in different ways. You have to grab the joy when it appears. It is also important for sufferers to see life goes on for those around them and what they’re missing.This was advice we had from several professionals which has helped hugely with recovery.

I’m not sure what you expected from your husband.I wouldn’t have expected my husband to hover at home whilst my daughter was in hospital or vice versa if he was in with her and I was at home. It is a marathon and hugely tough on marriages. Although it’s worrying she wasn’t in for long and her being allowed to go home is a big positive. I hope things are continuing to go well at home.

Yes yes re wording as regards autism. You weren’t that clear and those with autism take things very literally. Also they can bolt and not know how to handle difficult emotions. Yes not great in some situations but they’ll be amazing in other situations and have many positive characteristics too.

I presume CAMHs know that there is autism in the family and I’d mention it if not as it can impact treatment in patients.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/06/2025 06:15

Poppins21 · 28/06/2025 06:00

I agree with this - you need to articulate what you want and need. But again does negate the fact he is being a crappy parent and not taking ED seriously. I wishing your daughter the best.

Edited
Show quote history

I think it also shows a bit of exasperation; OP is done arguing.

Ihavenoclu · 28/06/2025 06:07

This is one of the worst things I have read on here. OP this is awful. Your dd and you dont deserve this.

Poppins21 · 28/06/2025 06:00

TheignT · 26/06/2025 16:06

I'd be miffed but I wouldn't have said go if you want.

I agree with this - you need to articulate what you want and need. But again does negate the fact he is being a crappy parent and not taking ED seriously. I wishing your daughter the best.

HelloCheekyCat · 28/06/2025 05:57

Endoftheroad12345 · 27/06/2025 22:40

Preserve your peace @Hopetheportaloosareminging

I spent years sending long messages to my ex, explaining all the ways he was wrong, asking him to get diagnosed for autism, meds for anxiety, querying whether he had intermittent explosive disorder… he did not give a fuck. As long as I stayed and he kept the status quo as he liked it, he didn’t see any need for change.

He did start caring when I told him the marriage was over. Suddenly there were promises of therapy, change, etc etc etc (while still being an absolute cunt to me when I didn’t fall for it). All I could think was - you didn’t bother changing while it was only making me unhappy - but now there are consequences for you, you’re suddenly motivated to. Just proves my point really.

Also - the fact he says you gave him permission says it all really. A father who gave a shit about his DD wouldn’t want to go, let alone dream of asking. It demonstrates that he thinks the kids are your responsibility and that his relationship with his DD isn’t something he cares about for him/her self. My ex was/is identical.

I have seen this scenario played out so many times with friends and my own parents.
The.men always suggest counselling thinking it'll fix everything but it's too little too late and th woman is way past that by the time the penny drops

I also.wanted to.say that I hope your DD is ok, I have a DD of similar age and eating issues of any sort are horrendous for them and for you, I really hope she's going to be ok

RawBloomers · 28/06/2025 05:49

Samiloff · 28/06/2025 03:19

Is there some way you could find out whether he really did buy a ticket, to puncture his bravado? E.g. his email, bank records?

This is an utter waste of your time and emotional energy. It doesn’t matter if he bought a ticket or not. Nobody of any worth gives a damn if he blagged his way in nor has a high enough opinion of him for it to drop if they discovered he was lying.

Don’t pay attention to posters encouraging you to ramp up the drama in your life for MN entertainment.

Focus on your DD and when you have the capacity, make plans to leave this waster behind.

Samiloff · 28/06/2025 03:19

Is there some way you could find out whether he really did buy a ticket, to puncture his bravado? E.g. his email, bank records?

EdnaTheWitch · 28/06/2025 03:01

You told him to go, whether in jest or not so, that’s on you. But I’d be miffed he chose Glasto when it’s such a shit line up this year.
Seriously though, this isn’t about Glastonbury or your other half. The fact you’re breaking your heart over someone who chooses a shitty gig over their child & wife is just wrong. Kid yourself all you want with the neurodiverse narrative, but you are only kidding yourself. Shit husband, shit dad, shit taste in music. Kick him to the curb and move on. Autism, or any other perceived place on the spectrum, is not a get out of jail free card for shitty behaviour / values…whatever.

Friendtotheanimals · 28/06/2025 02:42

PatriarchyRuinedMyPesto · 27/06/2025 23:17

That’s nothing to be proud of. Some people are actually fun you know. Why the casual ageism and sexism? Plenty of people in their 30s and 40s and beyond go to Glastonbury and other festivals such as Download, not to mention gigs. Are we all supposed to turn into a hermit once reaching an arbitrary age?

The lack of respect for the Dad is very out of order. He probs sacrifices a lot, provides a lot and is allowed to have a break for a few days. Tickets are notoriously hard to get too. As for the DC not being impressed, they should be more grateful for the sacrifices that their father has no doubt made for them over the years, this attitude shows everything that’s wrong with modern parenting

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Are you the husband? Because your comment speaks volumes.

Friendtotheanimals · 28/06/2025 02:36

So, his response when you told him how you feel was - instead of apologising for his extreme thoughtlessness and making arrangements to come straight home - to selectively choose to take you literally and make you feel like a 'meanie?' 🤦‍♀️

Dear OP, your husband's behaviours appear to show an ongoing and mostly unchanging 20 year pattern of:

  • extreme emotional immaturity
  • a breathtaking lack of care for others
  • the prioritisation of his desires over all others' needs or wants
  • self-aggrandisement
  • self-absorption
  • habitual lying/embellishing of facts
  • an apparent ability to choose to make some changes - but only when it directly affects him
  • manipulative strategies including guilt-inducing, minimising, accusation of pettiness, and selectively using your words against you (see above the example of deliberate taking literally your 'permission' to attend festival despite you saying he does understand sarcasm and nuance)

These traits are far more indicative of something other than ASD. Unfortunately sometime ASD gets confused by some for personality disorders. They can also co-exist, of course. But irrespective of any diagnosis - which by the way would be a show of good faith from him if he underwent assessment - is this what you want for your life in the future?

Your children certainly have him worked out. Some counselling for yourself could help to find a way forward for you. I wish you and your children all the best.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/06/2025 01:10

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 27/06/2025 22:28

Yes, this is it exactly. I do think there’s something “not right” about him. He doesn’t seem to think like other people and I’ve just come not to rely on him for anything.

Ive been with my dm and dd today and had a really nice day - I’m just catching up with the thread.

Last night I messaged him and basically told him exactly what I thought of him. His response - predictably- was “you said I could go” and how I’m a big meanie for having a go at him.This was after I’d sent a long message telling him how I felt, how stressed and upsetting it’s been and telling him what happened in the hospital (he hasnt asked). At that point he didn’t even know if we were still at the hospital or not. He still didn’t ring to try and talk or apologise or find out info about dd. I told him it was his choice to go, I’m not his mum and I’m not telling him how to behave like a decent person.
Today I cracked after he put another blase message on WhatsApp like “oh it’s great here, just chillin next to the main stage”. I put a message on the family WhatsApp detailing what had happened with dd (up to this point I’d not informed the dcs of what’s been going on as I did t want to worry them but I just thought “fuck it - they should know what an arse their dad is”.) I was just quite matter of fact about what’s been going on and that I came home and dads gone off to Glastonbury without even ringing or leaving a message - and that I don’t think it’s very fair to be posting “look what fun I’m having” and pics when he knows im upset and have had an awful couple of weeks. I don’t want my boys thinking this is normal behaviour or my dds thinking I’m a pushover.
I honestly think the dcs just think he’s a pillock anyway and are used to him. Eldest Ds said as much earlier today “don’t worry mum, we all know what he’s like - we live with him don’t we? You shouldn’t think that we don’t get it or think he’s funny or a crazy guy for doing that”. That made me feel validated but also really sad that he feels that way. None of the dcs have responded to his messages and they’re not impressed.
My dm was shocked and disgusted and that isnt even like her - she usually never takes sides but she knows how unhappy I was last year and is disappointed he’s reverted back to type.

I always question myself and whether I’m wrong for feeling the way I do. I’m tired of it, I’ve had it for 20 odd years now. Tired of waiting for him to get some emotional intelligence and act in the way a caring husband and father would .

I think he had a ticket all along - and it is totally something he would lie about to make a good story. It’s pathetic.

Im just a bit drained today and thinking through my options. I massively feel like I’ve got the ick though, I’m dreading him coming back and it’s a shame bc we’d been getting on quite well. Now I just feel like no one can really change and I’m not sure I want to be with someone who consistently lets me down.

DD is ok, she has eaten well and we’re watching Hercules together. She said she “thinks it’s a bit weird” that dad has gone off to Glastonbury when she was in hospital. That was totally unprompted, I haven’t said anything to her. It’s heartbreaking really.

Ive often felt that the kids and I are like commodities to him. He likes having a wife and family but he doesn’t really connect with people - it’s so difficult to explain. Hes told me himself he doesn’t think he’s normal.

Thanks everyone who’s been supportive.

And just to point out: he doesn’t have an autism diagnosis - I’ve just said he has autistic traits. He understands right from wrong and nuance in conversations. It’s no excuse, and I’m sick of making excuses for him.

Im actually having a lovely time without him here - it’s nice just focussing on me and the DCs.

Show quote history

Reassuringly it sounds like your kids take after you. Just pull together and keep supporting each other. 🩷

ButteredRadish · 28/06/2025 00:52

bellamorgan · 26/06/2025 16:08

Sounds like his pretty checked out.

Also it’s not even like he has tickets to the event so it’s a well you won’t be much help don’t want to waste the tickets. His gone on a hope I can bribe my way in like a teenager not a middle aged man with children and a wife. How very unattractive.

*He’s!

’His’ means something that belongs to him!

ButteredRadish · 28/06/2025 00:49

AllTheOtherCats · 26/06/2025 16:03

What has being unempathetic and uncaring got to do with being autistic?

Everything! That describes a lot of autistic people including my DC!

Endoftheroad12345 · 28/06/2025 00:48

Codlingmoths · 28/06/2025 00:22

You need to teach our kids NOT to accept this in relationships. Your son needs to not be oh yes dad never gives a shit and only cares about himself, he needs to be ‘dad never gave a shit so mum told him to fuck off out of her life because he was a shit partner and a shit dad, and she told me to never let anyone into my life who didn’t give as much as they take and who you couldn’t be confident would be there for you when sick or struggling.’ You do this by telling him to fuck off forever.

Show quote history

Yes this. My kids are 10.5 and 7. DS (10.5) sees that exH is a shit dad (rarely comes to school events, always prioritises work over them, has limited interest in their feelings, doesn’t do any of the parenting (e.g. doctors appointments, school admin, book parade costumes etc etc). DD (7) idealises her father and wants him to be better. Both remember what he was like to live with (grumpy & abusive, though they didn’t see the worst of it).

They will have to come to terms with who their father is and build their own relationship with him as they grow up, whatever that may be but they have both learned that is behaviour is unacceptable. DS has learnt that if you treat your wife & family like that, you lose them. DD has learnt that you don’t tolerate being treated like that by your husband. It has not been easy and DD in particular struggles with having parents who are split up, but she is only 7, she was 4 when we split. She wants the fantasy of mum & dad being together. I am the adult and I know that growing up as a witness to the marriage we had was incredibly damaging for my kids and their idea of what love is and what a relationship should look like.

I grew up watching my parents’ high conflict marriage and my mum telling me that you should expect very little from men, and that is what I took into adult life. I don’t want that for my kids.They should be utterly loved and treasured, I know now that it is possible and that’s what I want for them.

Victoriaspo · 28/06/2025 00:31

Codlingmoths · 28/06/2025 00:22

You need to teach our kids NOT to accept this in relationships. Your son needs to not be oh yes dad never gives a shit and only cares about himself, he needs to be ‘dad never gave a shit so mum told him to fuck off out of her life because he was a shit partner and a shit dad, and she told me to never let anyone into my life who didn’t give as much as they take and who you couldn’t be confident would be there for you when sick or struggling.’ You do this by telling him to fuck off forever.

Show quote history

100%. You can stop the shit dad cycle

Codlingmoths · 28/06/2025 00:22

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 27/06/2025 22:28

Yes, this is it exactly. I do think there’s something “not right” about him. He doesn’t seem to think like other people and I’ve just come not to rely on him for anything.

Ive been with my dm and dd today and had a really nice day - I’m just catching up with the thread.

Last night I messaged him and basically told him exactly what I thought of him. His response - predictably- was “you said I could go” and how I’m a big meanie for having a go at him.This was after I’d sent a long message telling him how I felt, how stressed and upsetting it’s been and telling him what happened in the hospital (he hasnt asked). At that point he didn’t even know if we were still at the hospital or not. He still didn’t ring to try and talk or apologise or find out info about dd. I told him it was his choice to go, I’m not his mum and I’m not telling him how to behave like a decent person.
Today I cracked after he put another blase message on WhatsApp like “oh it’s great here, just chillin next to the main stage”. I put a message on the family WhatsApp detailing what had happened with dd (up to this point I’d not informed the dcs of what’s been going on as I did t want to worry them but I just thought “fuck it - they should know what an arse their dad is”.) I was just quite matter of fact about what’s been going on and that I came home and dads gone off to Glastonbury without even ringing or leaving a message - and that I don’t think it’s very fair to be posting “look what fun I’m having” and pics when he knows im upset and have had an awful couple of weeks. I don’t want my boys thinking this is normal behaviour or my dds thinking I’m a pushover.
I honestly think the dcs just think he’s a pillock anyway and are used to him. Eldest Ds said as much earlier today “don’t worry mum, we all know what he’s like - we live with him don’t we? You shouldn’t think that we don’t get it or think he’s funny or a crazy guy for doing that”. That made me feel validated but also really sad that he feels that way. None of the dcs have responded to his messages and they’re not impressed.
My dm was shocked and disgusted and that isnt even like her - she usually never takes sides but she knows how unhappy I was last year and is disappointed he’s reverted back to type.

I always question myself and whether I’m wrong for feeling the way I do. I’m tired of it, I’ve had it for 20 odd years now. Tired of waiting for him to get some emotional intelligence and act in the way a caring husband and father would .

I think he had a ticket all along - and it is totally something he would lie about to make a good story. It’s pathetic.

Im just a bit drained today and thinking through my options. I massively feel like I’ve got the ick though, I’m dreading him coming back and it’s a shame bc we’d been getting on quite well. Now I just feel like no one can really change and I’m not sure I want to be with someone who consistently lets me down.

DD is ok, she has eaten well and we’re watching Hercules together. She said she “thinks it’s a bit weird” that dad has gone off to Glastonbury when she was in hospital. That was totally unprompted, I haven’t said anything to her. It’s heartbreaking really.

Ive often felt that the kids and I are like commodities to him. He likes having a wife and family but he doesn’t really connect with people - it’s so difficult to explain. Hes told me himself he doesn’t think he’s normal.

Thanks everyone who’s been supportive.

And just to point out: he doesn’t have an autism diagnosis - I’ve just said he has autistic traits. He understands right from wrong and nuance in conversations. It’s no excuse, and I’m sick of making excuses for him.

Im actually having a lovely time without him here - it’s nice just focussing on me and the DCs.

Show quote history

You need to teach our kids NOT to accept this in relationships. Your son needs to not be oh yes dad never gives a shit and only cares about himself, he needs to be ‘dad never gave a shit so mum told him to fuck off out of her life because he was a shit partner and a shit dad, and she told me to never let anyone into my life who didn’t give as much as they take and who you couldn’t be confident would be there for you when sick or struggling.’ You do this by telling him to fuck off forever.

MrsKeats · 28/06/2025 00:22

Backtoreality1 · 26/06/2025 16:10

So you told him to go - and he went. Sorry but what did you expect?

Him to be a decent father and husband presumably 🙄

MJQs · 28/06/2025 00:18

BlackeyedSusan · 28/06/2025 00:09

If you suspect he is autistic why the fuck did you say he could go? You need to say what you mean and mean what you say. Yabu for that.

Have you told him how serious dd's condition is?

However, I would be miffed if he has gone with no ticket. I could understand him going if she is bog standard poorly, (doesn't sound like she is) he had tickets paid for, and he was willing to keep in contact and leave if necessary.

Way to go blaming the wrong person - a medal for you!

Or (a crazy idea!) he can NOT ask his wife for permission when their ill daughter is in hospital and her mother is there as a constant support, without her father.

How mad is that?? A father being WITH his child and wife to help them.

Who cares if he has autistic traits? I presume he holds down a job, drives a car, manages to shop etc etc, so his "traits" only raise their head when he wants to be a selfish arse. How convenient.

Codlingmoths · 28/06/2025 00:18

BlackeyedSusan · 28/06/2025 00:09

If you suspect he is autistic why the fuck did you say he could go? You need to say what you mean and mean what you say. Yabu for that.

Have you told him how serious dd's condition is?

However, I would be miffed if he has gone with no ticket. I could understand him going if she is bog standard poorly, (doesn't sound like she is) he had tickets paid for, and he was willing to keep in contact and leave if necessary.

Why the fuck is it her problem to mother him? She was in and out of hospital with her dd- THAT was her focus.And I don’t know what kind of shite partners you’ve had or known but who the fuck needs someone to proactively explain that their child is seriously ill to the child’s other parent when they are in and out of hospital for some time?!

Victoriaspo · 28/06/2025 00:12

SummerSunAndFun · 27/06/2025 23:17

My DH is autistic. It's typical autistic behaviour that if something unusual and unexpected happens (e.g. child in hospital) to not be able to process it very quickly and therefore by default to stick to the original plan (e.g. go to Glastonbury), however inappropriate that now is. He needs really clear communication and for you to spell out to him exactly what you need (even if it seems obvious to everyone else). My DH appreciates me just saying what I want, even if to me it sounds rude being so blunt! My DH would have been confused with a "go if you want" answer and would have gone too, I expect.
Hope your daughter gets better soon OP. I think a PP has mentioned the link with autism and eating disorders. It could be worth mentioning at hospital that she may be autistic too, so she receives the best approach to her care for her needs.

No. There comes a point where he’s not an active and supportive participant in the relationship. And this is most certainly it. She doesn’t need to mother him. Or ‘be clear with him’. She needs to leave him

BlackeyedSusan · 28/06/2025 00:09

If you suspect he is autistic why the fuck did you say he could go? You need to say what you mean and mean what you say. Yabu for that.

Have you told him how serious dd's condition is?

However, I would be miffed if he has gone with no ticket. I could understand him going if she is bog standard poorly, (doesn't sound like she is) he had tickets paid for, and he was willing to keep in contact and leave if necessary.