WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

There is absolutely no way, on this earth, that anything or anyone could convince me to go a four day festival while my child was in hospital.
That is an absolute.

I hope you and your DD are doing ok. I totally get the point around taking what you can, but it really sounds here as if OP partner hasn’t done his share (or any) for some time so doesn’t need to take any more!

Ive benefitted from respite care (not for ED) and consider that most people taking a break would be in need of it (perhaps a more relaxing format, but concede that’s his choice). For a full time primary carer a multi day thing would be reasonable - DH is taking five days and OP says he’s been shouldering NONE of the care.

Even during respite / breaks, it is reasonable (unless preagreed) to expect to ask for updates that the patient (and the person still doing the care) are doing ok.

PS - it seems from your response that you somehow feel criticism is directed at you or for anyone taking break/respite? I’m certain that isn’t the case - it’s specific to this OPs partner.

Exactly this and exactly what we were told by multiple professionals- it also proved to be right.

Sorry but you really are talking nonsense.

My mum was a terrible mother. Really complacent and uncaring. When I was in the hospital for the three months, she never left the building.
So I can safely say, if my mum couldn’t manage it, I sure as shit couldn’t.

@Hopetheportaloosareminging the traits you have ascribed to possible autism also fit sociopathy. The word 'sociopath' can conjure up images of school shooters and gang leaders, but sociopathy doesn't have to include violence. At heart, they just consider themselves to be the only one who matters, with everyone else being animals, subhumans, at best pets - we exist purely to service them. Your husband soothed you over last year because the possibility of you not serving his wants raised it's head, but who he really is can't be masked for long.

I think considering he may be autistic set you up to put up with more than you should have. Swap the words. He may be a sociopath. Do you feel you have to make allowances to the same degree?

If you had read all OP's posts, you would have seen that he never prioritises his wife or his daughter. He wouldn't even pick his wife up from hospital after she had a general anaesthetic and wasn't allowed to drive.

OP is the one that is caring for their daughter and she has said:

'Except dh hasn’t actually been shouldering any of the stress. I have.'

No-one with any sort of moral compass would think that it was OK to fuck off to Glastonbury for a few days while their daughter was hospitalised due to an ED. No-one who genuinely loved and cared for their sick daughter could enjoy themselves in these circumstances.

I haven’t read the whole thread but essentially, as someone who has personal experience of ED, I think your dh’s behaviour is understandable and maybe even a good thing.
EDs are incredibly destructive but also, essentially, self absorbed. The world for the sufferers contracts until essentially it just revolves around them. It’s a way of control in a scary world. It is really important for those with EDs to realise that actually life goes on with or without them. There is a life there that they could choose to jump back into, but they need to see that that life is there and that they are not taking part in it.
I hope that makes sense. I am not being unsympathetic to EDs. When your dh returns, I think it would be good for your daughter to see you have a few days away with friends/your other children.

And superb at missing the point. A child is in hospital, her father has fucked off on a jolly and doesn't give a shit, but what matters is - someone is using rude words to talk about it! To the Censorshipmobile, Boy Wonder!

Although it might just be because that person thinks it's OK to fuck off your family and sick hospitalised child if you had prior plans when it happened. But hey, they don't swear, so that's ok!

Have you ever been? I think the OP’s husband is a narcissistic dickhead for going…but Glastonbury is full of older culture loving people who love music, theatre, comedy, spectacle and a sense of community that can only be experienced at a festival.

Well when you’ve had a child with a long term illness you learn never to say never and also how important it is to look after yourself.

HTH

He's a typical man. Fucking selfish twat. What's he bringing to your life? You deserve better. You do not need him. Your daughter deserves better, as does your son.

I could never enjoy myself while one of my children was in hospital

Not new. Just generally sour and disapproving.

For all its faults, Mumsnet is absolutely fine with the strong language that is often needed to describe/express the sheer awfulness of some of the behaviour of the immature, selfish and often downright abusive husbands/partners/fathers on here.

The poster you are criticising is supporting OP. You are definitely not.

Well that’s ridiculous and you clearly don’t know what you’re talking about.. Why on earth would my husband expect me to sit at home when he was in hospital with our daughter?Those were the times I grabbed time for myself- as advised to by several professionals.

Perfect response OP!

if my DH’s ‘entire identity’ was making up a bullshit reason to go to a music festival for 4 days, when I had a very poorly child and other children to see to, and he’d done FA to support for weeks, AND he didn’t ask if any of us were ok at any point, I’d be mortified that I’d chosen such a partner. I’d also be astounded that anyone ever dared to attempt a defence!

Is he still there? Any offer to come home? Any questions about how you’re doing? (How are you all doing?)

I’d be irate and the longer he acts this way the less likely he’d be ever welcomed back home. He can stay living in his flipping tent if he likes it so much.

Glastonbury is full of middle-aged and even older men who think they are 'down with the kids'.

Anorexia is a marathon not a sprint and for many involves multiple long refeeding hospital stays. It was an overnight obs check. Professionals advise you to grab what you can, you helpfully omitted my suggestion of finding in a way to ensure op sorts out self care for herself too. When you’ve walked the walk then feel free to lecture.

Then you are as bad as the op’s flaky husband.

The people defending the husband are ridiculous. Maybe having a father that doesn’t care about his daughter is at the root of her problems.
It’s not the op’s job to make her husband know how to act; that’s on him. How anyone could enjoy being at a festival with their child unwell in hospital is beyond me.
I am a teacher and am so sick of the awful parenting I see. Then we wonder why so many kids have issues with their mental health.
There is something seriously wrong with a parent who is just so selfish and detached. The phrase ‘grab the joy’ is rage inducing. The op isn’t experiencing much joy is she? Or her daughter?
Act like a bloody parent.

How old are the 2 children?
Im disgusted at him going actually… if they kept your DD in and were inserting feeding cubes etc & you needed to stay in for a few nights, who would be at home with your aon? Or are you going to tell us he’s 19 or something? Can he cook and look after himself?
Your daughter
sounds really quite poorly and I’m sorry but I’d absolutely want to be nearby encase my child or wife needed me (if I was in his shoes)
I hope he doesn’t get in!!!… I’d be surprised if people without tickets can get in tbh, there are several check points at festivals these day to stop a repeat of times when
people jumped fences and caused trouble, or people got crushed !! Also only the
people with tickets are covered by insurance.
He sounds like a selfish idiot!

Hope your DD is recovering soon xx

Resolving this in some way and finding a way to work together will be key. There are always 2 sides to everything which is why threads like this aren’t helpful. I think I’d go back to CAMHs, explain the difficulties and ask if there is any support or bring it up in family therapy if that has already been started .

I think the main issue is op’s husband isn’t stepping up to support the family in any way.
If he was truly there for dd all the time then I don’t think the op would have been as upset about it. She isn’t trying to make him lose his identify, she wants him to care.
He disappeared without making sure the second child was cared for, he didn’t bother checking if the oldest was coming home; he didn’t leave a note/ message/ phone call to say he was heading off and he hasn’t even bothered to check if they are still in hospital or even okay.

I imagine op would have felt differently about him going if he was far more hands on and if he checked more regularly rather than only posting pictures of himself.’

updating the family chat wasn’t great but she’s had enough and is angry. The children at some point, need to realise that he hasn’t been there to support the family. Updating the family WhatsApp chat is nowhere near as bad as disappearing for a weekend and not even caring.

She updated a family WhatsApp chat. Frankly I really don’t see how helpful dragging children into marital disputes is particularly during managing an ED. Treatment is very much family focused. Differences will need to be resolved.