WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

He probs sacrifices a lot, provides a lot and is allowed to have a break for a few days.

Did you somehow miss the part where his 12 year old daughter is in hospital?

A dad working every day in a stressful job and providing for his family isn’t useless. I’m sure he’d love a less stressful job. Maybe that is something that could be looked at and discussed.

That’s nothing to be proud of. Some people are actually fun you know. Why the casual ageism and sexism? Plenty of people in their 30s and 40s and beyond go to Glastonbury and other festivals such as Download, not to mention gigs. Are we all supposed to turn into a hermit once reaching an arbitrary age?

The lack of respect for the Dad is very out of order. He probs sacrifices a lot, provides a lot and is allowed to have a break for a few days. Tickets are notoriously hard to get too. As for the DC not being impressed, they should be more grateful for the sacrifices that their father has no doubt made for them over the years, this attitude shows everything that’s wrong with modern parenting

The bad language is often used to increase the melodramatic tone I find

the narrative is that the man/husband/Dads needs are not important and must always come below the women’s and kids. In reality relationships and families are more nuanced than that. It’s a ridiculous manifestation of modern parenting and sexism. It’s not so long ago that the parents would go to the pub every Saturday and the kids would just be there. None of this their priorities coming above the parents. There would be no question about it the dad wanted to go to the pub, or a football match or a gig. They work hard to provide for their families all week so why not

Also if the shoe was on the other foot the man would get called controlling and probably even abusive for trying to stop the wife from going on a trip. You can hear the hysterical howls now of strangers trying to convince her to leave an otherwise excellent relationship of many years or even decades for something like that

My experience is relevant. You can judge all you like but it’s still ridiculous and pretty ignorant as you clearly have zero experience of living with a child who has a long term illness.

Thousands of parents endure multiple long stay hospital stays. They do not have the other parent on permanent standby. Most of us have jobs we’re desperately trying to cling on to for a start.

What sacrifices? He’d still be working, family or not.

A SAHM makes far more ‘sacrifices’ than a useless dad who turns up to work each day.

I agree that there is a world of difference between the scenario that happened and if the husband had been pulling his weight the entire time, said to OP 'look, I am completely burned out, I have the Glastonbury ticket, I would really like to go for 1 or 2 nights' and then keep in touch a reasonable amount.

I would have had some sympathy for him if he'd acted in any way like a normal dad because with eating disorders they can last for decades in and out of hospital. But he didn't act like a normal dad and it's quite clear he literally doesn't care. He may or or may not be autistic but (and I barely ever say this) I think he's possible psychopathic. I have a relative who I believe is the only psychopathic person I know personally and he acted in almost the exact same way as OP's husband in very similar circumstances.

If he's the breadwinner then he is making sacrifices for his family.

None of this has been hard on OP's DH as he hasn't really been involved. It has all been on OP. She is the one that needs a break, not him, but she obviously wouldn't dream of going and enjoying herself for the weekend, not even checking on how her DD is doing.

I genuinely don't understand how anyone could take the side of OP's selfish and immature DH.

OP's DH sound like as much fun as a bout of diarrhoea. Your continued cheerleading for him, even though OP has made it very clear that he makes no sacrifices for his family, who all correctly think that he is a fucking knob, is ridiculous and tone deaf.

Hopefully, OP will go through with splitting from him this time and his children will vote with their feet and not bother with him. He will then be another middle-aged divorced man lamenting that his wife has turned his kids against him as they don't want to see him.

@SunD0wn I hope your daughter continues to recover. I wanted to make a comment in support of some of what you've said - I think it's easy to say 'I would never... I could never...' when you haven't been there. I also have some experience of autism/anorexia within the family. Our experience was some years ago, and our family member did not survive the illness. She was in hopsital/treatment wards for almost a decade. And in that time, although of course it was always present, life went on to an extent it is hard to believe when you haven't lived it. It has to.
I think where I might disagree with you is that from what the OP has written here it sounds like what life going on might look like for her is separating from her husband, with this being the final straw. It might not. Only she can know how much this is another nail in the coffin with an incapable and selfish man she doesn't want to be with, and how much it is a poor response to a stressful situation. Dealing with a situation like their family is facing does put strain on people and ideally you would give each other grace and space. But from a position of both doing so, and pulling together, and recognising that neither of you is your best self in this situation but you both care and you are both trying. In that situation, I absolutely agree with you that facing it together is important (we had a lot of family therapy too). But that doesn't sound like the situation as the OP has described it to me.

OP, I wish all the best for your daughter, and for you.

Hi Op I have an autistic daughter who has had serious anorexia for years involving frequent very long re feeding, tube feeding and monitoring stays in hospital. As you know Anorexia is horrific for both parents and parents cope in different ways. You have to grab the joy when it appears. It is also important for sufferers to see life goes on for those around them and what they’re missing.This was advice we had from several professionals which has helped hugely with recovery.

I’m not sure what you expected from your husband.I wouldn’t have expected my husband to hover at home whilst my daughter was in hospital or vice versa if he was in with her and I was at home. It is a marathon and hugely tough on marriages. Although it’s worrying she wasn’t in for long and her being allowed to go home is a big positive. I hope things are continuing to go well at home.

Yes yes re wording as regards autism. You weren’t that clear and those with autism take things very literally. Also they can bolt and not know how to handle difficult emotions. Yes not great in some situations but they’ll be amazing in other situations and have many positive characteristics too.

I presume CAMHs know that there is autism in the family and I’d mention it if not as it can impact treatment in patients.

So you told him to go - and he went. Sorry but what did you expect?

For all its faults, Mumsnet is absolutely fine with the strong language that is often needed to describe/express the sheer awfulness of some of the behaviour of the immature, selfish and often downright abusive husbands/partners/fathers on here.

The poster you are criticising is supporting OP. You are definitely not.

That’s nothing to be proud of. Some people are actually fun you know. Why the casual ageism and sexism? Plenty of people in their 30s and 40s and beyond go to Glastonbury and other festivals such as Download, not to mention gigs. Are we all supposed to turn into a hermit once reaching an arbitrary age?

The lack of respect for the Dad is very out of order. He probs sacrifices a lot, provides a lot and is allowed to have a break for a few days. Tickets are notoriously hard to get too. As for the DC not being impressed, they should be more grateful for the sacrifices that their father has no doubt made for them over the years, this attitude shows everything that’s wrong with modern parenting

The thread is about a woman who is struggling to parent a child in hospital alone while her husband fucks off to a festival without so much as a “how is she?” Text.

I can judge. If you don’t want your situation to be brought into the conversation, don’t share it in support of his appalling behaviour.

@SunD0wn I hope your daughter continues to recover. I wanted to make a comment in support of some of what you've said - I think it's easy to say 'I would never... I could never...' when you haven't been there. I also have some experience of autism/anorexia within the family. Our experience was some years ago, and our family member did not survive the illness. She was in hopsital/treatment wards for almost a decade. And in that time, although of course it was always present, life went on to an extent it is hard to believe when you haven't lived it. It has to.
I think where I might disagree with you is that from what the OP has written here it sounds like what life going on might look like for her is separating from her husband, with this being the final straw. It might not. Only she can know how much this is another nail in the coffin with an incapable and selfish man she doesn't want to be with, and how much it is a poor response to a stressful situation. Dealing with a situation like their family is facing does put strain on people and ideally you would give each other grace and space. But from a position of both doing so, and pulling together, and recognising that neither of you is your best self in this situation but you both care and you are both trying. In that situation, I absolutely agree with you that facing it together is important (we had a lot of family therapy too). But that doesn't sound like the situation as the OP has described it to me.

OP, I wish all the best for your daughter, and for you.

Ok so assuming that I and other parents in my position care a jot what you would do you really have no right to lecture how any parent of an ill child manages their condition and the horrific journey that goes with it.

We followed professional advice, it proved to be exactly right and what you choose to brag about is not professional advice.

I didn’t say there was. I was just observing what type of person the individual is. We’ve all seen them… pick up from the school gates only breaking their gaze from their phone to swear at their poor children.

There is absolutely no way, on this earth, that anything or anyone could convince me to go a four day festival while my child was in hospital.
That is an absolute.