WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. I can only imagine the stress and heartache you feel for your DD, and for yourself.

You mentioned your DH having a kind of overly 'oh everything will be fine' attitude. I wondered if he's this way about everyone else's problems and worries, but when it's something that's a problem for him, suddenly it actually is a real problem? As that would really fit with narcissism, where no one else is ever allowed to be as important as the narcissist, and anything that draws attention to others (including problems) irritates the narcissist so they'd rather just brush them off.

I also agree with PPs who have talked about how your DD could be impacted by her dad's attitude and behaviour. My dad was nowhere near as selfish and neglectful as your DH, but he was uninvolved and fairly uninterested in my life growing up, and I still struggle with the need for male approval- I've made a lot of progress but it screwed me up a fair bit when I was a teenager/early twenties. It must be incredibly frustrating and upsetting to see your DH behave this way and worry about the effect it could have.

But, as others have said, you can stand up for her, as you have been doing. My mum didn't do anything to assuage the damage my dad did, but you absolutely can and it will make all the difference to your DD. You can keep doing all you can to let her know her worth.

All the best to you.

Please tell us you are planning to leave him again OP?

I had an ex like him but I only stuck it for four years.

My Mum got cancer and I stayed at home to nurse her. He asked me to go over to his one night and I said no as Mum was so unwell. He told me to stay away for ever in that case and then was stunned when I did.

I waited til he went to work and fetched my stuff from his about three months after Mum died. I had two letters from him begging me to go back but I didn't even answer them. He's still single a decade later. Can't think why.

I could write a book on his 'empathy chip missing' personality and the things he used to do. I'm so glad I had the strength to leave him. It had all crept on so slowly, I hadn't realised the extent of it until afterwards

I genuinely think so many parents have no idea how clearly children and teen see exactly who their parents are, despite often not saying much.

Your children see it OP.
Well done for acknowledging what they can clearly see for themselves.

They know, it is much better that they aren't confused by you just being accepting of so little.

You would hate for any of your children to end up with such a selfish partner.

I'm neurodiverse and the running joke in my family is I was born with too much empathy so ND doesn't mean lack of empathy. However for some, it does mean a black and white view of the world. When he said 'I can't go' and you said 'up to you' in what was a jokey way for you, he might not have taken that as a joke. He might need a more direct communication style. Personally I'd have said well obviously not as our child is in hospital.

This in absolutely no way excuses him for abandoning you both while your DD is in hospital and I think he sounds like an absolute arsehole. I lost my little sister to ED so I completely get how horrible the disease is and I really hope your daughter is OK and makes a full recovery.

I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way).

He's autistic and he took you at your word because presumably he doesn't know how to read between the lines.

Also, lack of empathy can be an autism indicator.

So, while it's of course reasonable to most people to realise that they should put family first, he is not wired quite the same and you probably need to understand how he ticks - and how to communicate with him - because otherwise you have years of frustration ahead of you.

You could try and find a couples a counsellor who specialises in neurodivergence, if such a person exists.

(Realise this doesn't help today's problem, and I hope DD gets the treatment she needs, but worth thinking about the wider issue, going forward.)

I go to Download festival every year. I don’t do/have much for myself so this is the one thing I do for me. I buy my ticket as soon as they come out and look forward to it all year
If DS was in hospital I’d be really torn but he does have another parent……but, would I enjoy myself??
However…. Your DH doesn’t have a ticket and it was a spur of the moment decision. So in this case he was an arse!!

@BlueyNeedsToFuckOff No different from travelling to do anything else, really. Why travel to a museum or gallery when there are virtual exhibitions online? Why go and see the Olympics or a football match when it’s shown on TV?

Because it's expensive. Sorry, I don't earn a mumsnet salary.

You must lead a very small life.

Thanks.

I think you need to as yourself if he’s not just another stereotypical narcissistic fuckwit who hides behind “stress” or “anxiety” when faced with consequences. Perhaps your DD’s ED is linked to the fucked up dynamics in your home. I bet you’ve been trying to appease this jerk of a man and trying to kick into his ever moving emotional goal posts all her life. I bet she has too. Leave him.

I'm changing my mind.

I was one who just thought he took you at your word and went, with your suspicion of autism being that he would take things literally and possibly needed a stress break.

But that he didn't check in frequently and hasn't participated in her ongoing care shows he's just an asshole who wanted to have a good time. It shows such a lack of involvement with his family that I don't know if I could see past that. And I told my husband to go to a festival when I was in the hospital but I was stable and he'd been carrying a full load plus.

Is this the last straw for you?

I'm glad to hear you guys are having a decent weekend.

Oh stop feeding the incels. They are SO obvious and love the attention. Sad sacks they are. 😇

i havent rtft but"

maybe you should sundown and others-he doesnt support op he doesnt do appts therapy nothing-he thinks everyones overreacting

he wouldnt even pick op up from her own operation as he was too busy

thats not supportive thats a selfish twat

Because that’s where the concert / gig / festival you want to go to is?

No different from travelling to do anything else, really. Why travel to a museum or gallery when there are virtual exhibitions online? Why go and see the Olympics or a football match when it’s shown on TV?

You must lead a very small life.

I wouldn’t go to any of those while I had a child or close family member in hospital, however. But otherwise, why not!

If I never left the house, only read Mumsnet and wasn't autistic myself I'd assume nearly all autistic people are twats. Here's another twatty man who doesn't give a single fuck about his family.

I do like live music, just not that keen on festivals. I went to Sonisphere twice in 2010/2011 but that was good because I got the train there and back again every day, so I could sleep in a proper bed and have a shower. I wanted to see Lacuna Coil last October but DS was only around three months old, so I couldn't take him with me, nor could I have left him that long, even though there are people who would have babysat for me.

I have an autistic husband and a daughter with an ED. He found it really difficult to deal with but if he'd gone he would have driven off and sat in a field somewhere beating himself up (literally) about being unable to support her. Or gone to bed and shut us out hearing himself and leaving me to cope.

His behaviour drives me nuts sometimes but no way would he have fucked off to Glastonbury to have a good time and post cheery shit in the family chat.

Wishing you the best with the ED. We had same, body starting to fail, hospital and CAMHS. Got her an autistic diagnosis as a result which helped loads. 5 years in she's in recovery but it's been shite. Sending love and hope x

@BlueyNeedsToFuckOff And it’s not an age-restricted activity - how strange that someone would think that over-25s aren’t interested in music!

Of course over-25s are interested in music. But why do I need to travel to a concert hall on the other side of the country to experience it?

You're right, of course - but I'm of the 'I'll prove the lying hound was already going' ilk!

What a complete waste of the ops time. She should just move on and focus on people who matter to her and people who care about her. He’s neither.

"I don't suppose I can go now" is a rhetorical question, ie it is designed to make you feel guilty!
Yes she should have said no but the question did its work, she felt a strong sense of guilt which prevented her from refusing.

Why are you playing games? When he said " I don't suppose I can go now can I?" Why not say no!
But the fact he still went without even confirming that he was still going would tell me his a selfish sod....and no autism is not an excuse for this I have 4 family members who are autistic but none of them are this selfish.

I feel thoroughly upset and angry on your behalf @Hopetheportaloosareminging.
I don't think autism, I think it's NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). If he wants to change, first thing he needs to do to save your marriage is to see is GP and take it from there.

He hasn’t asked you how your DD is today, and yet he’s posting photos from Glastonbury expecting likes and comments from his family?

I know it's after the fact, but is there any way you can find out if he paid for a ticket - bank account, credit card or whatever?

I agree… but, there is really only one way in which to no longer be married to a selfish man like this and it’s completely OP’s responsibility to make that happen.

Wow - the prize for most unhelpful comment goes to the above 🙄

@Hopetheportaloosareminging your DH sounds incredibly selfish whether he has autism or not. I hope your daughter is getting good care and try to be kind to yourself as well as it sounds like a very tough situation.