WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

This is very unhealthy. Either educate him (through clear communication) or dump him (because he is an unreedeemable arse.).

Your dh is, for whatever reason, an empathetic and uncaring arsehole. He refuses to “get it” because he wants to do what he wants to do. So what are you going to do about it? Either accept it or fight him to at least minimally perform the tasks associated with being a husband and father and not a pet lizard whose only job is to maintain its own warmth and security or pleasure.

He asked you, implicitly, for permission to go and you “jokingly” responded now you are refusing to text him “get your ass back here and support me.” What are you testing here? You know the answer is that he will a) do what he likes and then b) play the injured innocent and say “but you didn’t tell me exactly how you wanted me to behave.” This is just an incredibly selfish man’s version in the family of the old “men don’t see dirt” argument in cleaning.

“oh I didn’t know that husbands are supposed to care about a wife and child going to the hospital?” Well…pardon me (assumes affronted and bewildered air) who in earth would know that? Must be in a secret book they give women, held in the uterus or something.”

Is that what you are waiting to hear? Because you are going to.

If you think he is educable then educate him. If you think he is a lost cause and you are going to use this as a “last straw” go ahead. Its a trap that you want him to walk into so you can tell him (I would) “It is over you selfish git. It was over when you went to Glastonbury. Our marriage died then but you didn’t notice.”

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.

If you know he's actually has trouble interpreting what people say isn't what they mean and stuggles to work out want people want - not sure why you'd even jokingly say it's okay to go.

I often have to be clear with family members - as anysarcasm/joking can be missed by them - so clarity of communication - I need you here - is best.

If he's just a selfish arse who knew you'd need him to stay but is deliberately misinterpring that so he gets to do what he wants and fuck the rest of you-well he's a selfish arse and a shit husband and father. If you didn't ask him to stay because he'd sulk - same applies. Plus in both cases it's nothing to do with being ND - it's being selfish arse.

Hmm he was talking about going to Glasonbury for a while & you did technically say he could go.
Would he normally realise that you don't actually mean what you are saying?
Just you mention you think he may be autistic - so does he pick up on sarcasm or is he quite a literal person?

I would be annoyed about the lack of contact re DD and checking in on her. THAT would piss me off. Check in. Simple as.

You told him
he could go. You might have been joking but if he’s possibly autistic, he may have taken you literally.

I am gobsmacked at the “well you said he could go!!” Posts! He shouldn’t WANT to fucking go!! How do you care that little about your OWN KID that you fuck off to glasto when she’s seriously ill??
the bar is in fucking hell for these men. I truly honestly despair.

True

I hope your DD is OK OP and you too it must be so worrying.

I'm going to watch this thread in the hopes he comes back tonight having failed to get in!

If he'd had tickets I don't think him going would have been so bad but he'd have had to clearly check that was OK with everyone, most importantly your DD to be honest

I would be extremely pissed off - as I’m sure you are OP .

The bar for what makes a "good Dad" is depressingly low.

I think if you believe your DH has autistic traits then you should have spelled out that he should stay.
You did tell him to go if he wanted, yes of course it shouldn’t have even entered into his head to go whilst your DD was so poorly but if he’s wired differently then it maybe isn’t obvious to him if she had you on hand to be with her and he physically couldn’t do anything.
My DS is autistic and sometimes comes across as lacking in empathy etc so trying to see how he would have seen it, and he probably would have gone as well.
We as parents are trying to teach him life skills etc now so that he doesn’t do things like this when older, so in situations try and get him to focus on the other person involved and how they might feel and he is learning to be less fixated/ black&white because of this.
Of course your DH may just be totally selfish and thought he’d go off for a jolly, only you know which it is likely to be because you have the full context of his usual behaviour. I wouldn’t have said to go to my DH but he wouldn’t have thought it was a good idea either.
You need to have a conversation with him and be honest, but I guarantee he will bring up the fact that you didn’t say for him to stay.

Just out of interest, does it make any difference if he is actually around? Would he have picked up the slack at home with the boys if you had to stay at the hospital over the weekend ? Would he have usefully covered a night at the hospital in a plastic chair. Generally, is he operating as a single man in your family? If the answer to this is yes, then there is really little point at all in remaining married.

If the answer to this is no, and he does contribute as a husband and father, then my inclination would be to call him up, read the riot act for being a selfish twat and tell him to get his arse home.

I'd also get him tested so he either stops using it as an excuse or you both learn behaviours to manage things like literal interpretations.

I'm so sorry about your daughter. That must be horribly stressful. Wishing her a speedy recovery.

If he is autistic and you told him “go if you want” then he’s likely to take that as ‘it’s ok to go’, you probably should have given him a straight answer and said “no, don’t go, I need you here, dd is very unwell”. I totally get how you feel though, he shouldn’t be going when his dd is in hospital. Hopefully he won’t be able to get in…..it’s not as easy as it used to be, you can’t just blag your way in or jump the gate 🤣.

Id be royally fucked off with him and I would divorce him but

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits)

Lacking empathy is a little bit of a stereotype when it comes to autism. We have empathy, but what we struggle with is emotional reciprocity.

This is obviously a generalisation, because there are lots of high support needs autistic people who cannot even comprehend a life outside of themselves due to their development but I can pretty much assure you that if your husband isn't even diagnosed, and has grown up and been able to make friends and get a job and so on then he does have a sense of life outside of himself.

So my note to you would be not to confuse autism with narcissism.

He has shown you time and again that the only person he considers to matter is him.

Is that the sort of male role model you want round for your daughter, the sort that shows her that her crises and emergencies don't matter as much as their trivial wants?

Put this one in the bin and I wish you and your daughter all the luck in the world.

I'm sorry your DD is so ill - you must be so worried.

A couple of things.
I think in saying to him - it's up to you, go if you want , you have given him the green light. Especially if he is someone who is very black and white in their thinking. I'm not seeking to blame you as my second point is that I think you have become immune to his ways, lacking in emotional support that you don't look to him for that element of your life. So much so that you don't look for it as the looking is itself stressful and any success is short lived.

As usual in these situations - it really comes down to you having to decide if you can live with this type of relationship, especially with a seriously ill child. I personally couldn't. I'm a bit out of touch with treatment protocols for ED, but family therapy used to be a part ? is this still the case ? Would he engage if it was?

If you do decide to stay, I think you will need to change your approach to him in the way, eg being more up front in your expectations of him and from him.

This!!

Sorry I have 'autistic traits' too and I'm baffled at these replies. If you didn't want him to go why did you tell him that he could 'if he wanted'.

Of course he will use it against you. You gave him permission to and he will rightly be confused about why you weren't honest about your feelings.

I agree on one level that he should have known not to go but presumably if you have been doing the lions share of the hospital visits then he may not realise how serious it is especially if you've said it's ok for him to go to a festival.

Stop paying games and say what you mean!!

It would probably become a news story. "Selfish mum deserts sick child to party at Glastonbury"

I think the 16yo should be fine alone and even sorting out food. My DS just finished GCSEs and has gone to France with 4 friends, no adults.

However, in terms of him giving you and your DD emotional support, this is difficult to forgive. Maybe he thinks he can't or it's not valued or you didn't need it, but you need to tell him that you needed support and you're beyond hurt he wasn't home when you got back. I think I would reiterate the ultimatum from before. I also think he deep down knew because not even leaving a message smacks of guilt to me.

It doesn't matter what you thought he'd do. He mentioned it, you said he could go, instead of saying "of course you can't, not while DD is in and out of hospital". Why do so many of us women do this?

You were expecting someone who may be autistic, to read your mind and know that you didn't really mean what you said. Which was ridiculous of you, because that's exactly what autistic people tend not to be able to do.

He's going to use you saying to go as his excuse, he's going to completely avoid taking responsibility for his own selfishness because of that sentence. I'm not sure I'd be with him after this.

My ex would have done what he did. My new partner refused to go on a trip I told him to go on when my child (not his) was in hospital because he didn't want to be far away while we were struggling with such a stressful situation.

One of the most selfish things I’ve ever read on here. How could you even enjoy yourself at a festival knowing your daughter is so ill with an eating disorder that she is likely to be hospitalised? I would be frantic.
I don’t think I could be with someone this selfish, OP. Awful. I’m so sorry. Sending lots of love to you and your girl x

'if dh is the selfish kind of autistic'

Yikes.

You don't need to blame the man's shit behaviour choices on a condition he's never been diagnosed with. There's no excuse for him.
Your kids will grow up thinking this is the marriage to aspire to.

Ummm depends on your expectations. Every person has their good points and bad points but this is a lot further than that. I don’t think this is okay - your kid is in the hosiptal. But he doesn’t seem bothered, or care, or communicate or just be a dad really. What about your son?

OP this is seriously red flag territory for me.

oh ffs! it can take years for someone to show all their characteristics and the depths of their selfishness. I married a man who turned out to be an utter twat, I did not know he was an utter twat when I met him, I did not know he was an utter twat when I married him and I did not know he was an utter twat when we had a child. Had I been aware of this and indeed had any of my family and friends who all liked him too, been aware of just how nasty he would eventally become, then guess what? I would not have married him.