WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

"Ah yes, the old 'most men are rubbish' routine. How original."
Honestly, I get it — we've all encountered a few walking red flags who think basic decency is a personality trait. But most men? Come on. That's like saying, “It’s exhausting learning how awful most women are,” just because you’ve had a few rows at the school gates or been ghosted by a flaky friend named Karen.
Let’s not turn “men can be disappointing” into “all men are irredeemable bin fires.” Some of us are raising sons, married to good ones, or working alongside brilliant male colleagues who aren’t out here plotting how to be Grade-A disappointments.
It’s fine — even healthy — to vent. Lord knows the group chats have heard it all. But painting half the population with the same grumpy brush just feeds the same lazy stereotypes we complain about when they're aimed at us.
Maybe instead of exhausting yourself writing off all men, take a breather and remember that generalisations are usually the real enemy. Right after damp towels on the bed.

I hope you gain more of an understanding of autism for supporting your daughter.

I really hope he has a long distance to travel to get there as the chances while not completely impossible are highly improbable of getting in.

Good point re choice and consequence.

Absolutely spot on reply @Alonebutmarried . WT actual F??

Yep. OP's dh is a prick. Marriage means you share the load. But, jeezus why wouldn't you want to be with your family? Is ds okay with dsis in hospital? What is he being taught now? Sis in hospital, mum cares for her, dad goes on mini vacay. So much to unpack in this one.

I don’t understand the replies / excuses that say - ‘You shouldn’t even have jokingly said to go if you didn’t mean it’

The question should NEVER have been asked by him in the first place.

Honestly OP, I hope you’re daughter gets through this and you all go on to build a nice life without this prick.

hmm - as you’re very aware caring for a child under CAMHS is incredibly stressful. If he had tickets booked and paid, had had an adult conversation with you about how tough he was finding it, and needed a break (and offers you the chance to get a few days away!) AND you agreed, I’d say it’s fine.

However, fucking off with no tickets and without actually telling you is not the one. I’d be completely furious in that scenario.

you may have said he can go, that doesn’t mean he should go. Saying he can’t go is controlling. You want him to make the sensible choice, not, not go because you said so.

he’s a fucking knob. I know you’ve only given us his highlight reel so we aren’t seeing the endearing bits. I’d be done

This. He obviously took you literally. You may have been jokey but it's not a joke is it - it's serious, If you didn't want him to go it would have been clearer to just say that.

Sounds very similar to my dh - who had football tickets and a day out with his mates, the day after my kids were in a big accident. One needed surgery , the other close monitoring- all I heard about waiting for one dc to come out of theatre was how he couldn't believe he had to miss his catch up and that maybe he could still go!

I had an ex like this. Used to like making me the bad guy by asking ‘can I’ to things most people would know were ridiculous. I hated it and most of the time said it was fine because I couldn’t face saying no.

The thing that ended that relationship, I had surgery and he asked if we could babysit his nephew, I for once got the courage to say no, I wasn’t up for it. He said yes anyway and that the child would “stay downstairs”… of course the child didn’t (despite me hiding in my bedroom). That was the final straw for me. Maybe this is yours.

If he sees things back and white and you told him to go I think he probably is blissfully unaware op. You need to communicate clearly but obviously have more important things to worry about. Unfortunately he cannot be someone he is not. And that is when you need to decide to sit in the regular disappointment or make a change.

Your husband is a knob.

You dont need to make excuses for his terrible behaviour.

I hope your daughter gets better soon

You told this man that you think might be autistic to go to Glastonbury if he wants to. I don’t think you thought that through did you?

Stop holding women accountable for men's failures. This is not on op it's on her feckless partner. His behaviour is not her responsibility and should not be treated as such. Obviously people change over time and there's whole parts to people that we only find out when you're together a long time or other responsibility like kids or changes in employment or illness crop up. You are ALWAYS learning who your partner is because they are always changing.

Op I think I'd be pushing for him to get assessed and I'd be telling him more expressly what you need - most autistic people do really well with clear parameters so telling him that you don't mind if he goes when actually you do mind is probably going to be harder for someone whos autistic to navigate. That being said, it's also ok to recognise that you want a partner who can think about these things for themselves and you need to figure out if this is a can't vs a won't situation. Either he can't navigate that social cue, or he won't bother to. I think your response depends on that, along with what you're willing to work with in a relationship. I think there's a halfway point if he actually is autistic where you need to be more direct in your communication and expectation of him, and he needs to be stepping up in informing himself of what's needed in a partnership and how to be in a team.

She doesn't know he is autistic.

She simply thinks there's a small chance he could be because he lacks empathy, which is not part of the diagnostic criteria for autism.

He is simply an emotionally unavailable, immature, selfish wanker and it doesn't need pathologising.

His behaviour doesn't need excusing just because the OP has been trying to justify reasons to herself for his shite behaviour, lack of partnership, lack of concern for his child, narcissism, and manipulation.

The fact of the matter is his behaviour shows a pattern of utter disregard for anyone except himself and he should have no seat at this table.

I'm so sorry op. I've been where you are with a dd in and out of hospitals, ng tube, sectioned etc due to an ed. My dd is an adult now and recovered. I remember how helpful it was to hold on to others stories of recovery 💐

I couldn't be with any man who didn't love his kid enough to stay nearby when they were very ill. If my child is ill I absolutely have to be there, I'd walk through walls to get to him. Your DH doesn't seem arsed either way. Bin him.

So he was told :
"I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!”

And he is also known to see things in black & white......

I have supported my child for months during inpatient treatment in a paeds ward. I don't need lecturing what it's like.

Afraid I would be texting him and telling him to come home, then I would read the riot act, you have two kids, one of whom is ill, you need support not him pissing of to a festival

If he’s autistic he may well have taken that very literally. If you didn’t want him to go, you should have said ‘No, don’t go, because our daughter is unwell in hospital and it’s not OK to go off on a lads’ weekend when your child is sufficiently ill to be hospitalised.”

Don’t get me wrong, he sounds like a horrible uncaring prick - and that’s unrelated to his autism - but you definitely can’t rely on nuance and social cues with him.

It is bad of him not to think of, at least, giving you a hand. Or going to visit his daughter? I mean, your DD must be feeling really neglected by him if he does not even call. But if my partner ever effing dare to leave a child of mine, a teen, on their own at home, without telling me, hell would break loose. Did he even bother to check that his child had food? And did he tell him he was leaving him alone? What about if you had to spend the night with your daughter? Can your teen boy cook for himself? Does he need a lift to school?

Lots of men are shit dads. Like a seriously high proportion. That's on them, not on the women who end up co-parenting with them. They get away with it because society gives them a free pass rather than making them step up.

YANBU OP, he is unforgivably shit. Putting aside long-term plans, I wish your DD the best and hope she's on the mend soon. Personally in your situation I'd be booking a trip away just you and the DC as soon as she's a bit better and tell your "DH" (finger up behind his back), "Oh I guess I just forgot to include you, fuckhead."