WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

She should ask him that!

Where is your anger op?
I would be packing his bloody bags in bin liners and he would never be welcome back. Your poor dd is being massively let down by her so called ‘father’

It would be game over.

@Hopetheportaloosareminging Of course, he shouldn't have gone, but to be honest, you TOLD him to go, especially as you know he sees things in black and white and finds it difficult to empathise with things which is why I have said YABU.

It would have been better if you had agreed that he couldn't go because you needed him at home for the reasons you said in your OP, when he basically asked if that meant he couldn't go. I understand that you find it tiring and annoying that he is the way he is, but sometimes, we need to deal with things the way they are and not the way we would like them to be, in order to achieve the desired outcome?

My DH frequently doesn't see some things that need done, so I have to ask. But once asked he will always do them. It does annoy me that I have to ask, especially after more than 30 years of marriage but that annoys me much less than doing everything myself. He genuinely doesn't 'see' things. Generally speaking, we do spend about 50% each equally, doing the things that need to be done.

I would be miffed too.

However my ds is autistic and I know if I said “go if you want” he’d go as he’d hear the words and not read any emotion etc.

People do have varying degrees of empathy and some people will see something chronic as repetitive as less of an emergency. That doesn’t make what he’s done right I’m just explaining why he may have reacted as he did.

I think when he gets home you need to have a good chat with him and then decide if you can continue in this marriage or not.

As an aside if you suspect autism in DH have they explored it with DD too? Many girls forts show signs through things such as ED as they can mask better but find control of their environment in different ways.

I can understand that autism might mean you don't pick up on sarcasm and nuance and may take things literally, at face value.

I don't understand why it would mean you don't realise that you don't bugger off to a festival when your child is in hospital and seriously ill. Why you would care so little about your child that you'd want to.

In fact, he did realise this. That's why he asked OP... to manipulate her into saying he could go because she didn't want to be the bad guy and putting the burden on her to actively forbid it. Why ask if you're sure it's OK?

Is that kind of emotional manipulation an autistic trait?

Unfortunate you might need professional advice on what to do from here on in so as not to harm your dd's recovery

Might be complicated by the OP thinking he has autism. Some people with autism can be very literal in how they understand things.

A responsible parent doesn’t seek permission to abdicate their responsibility and bugger off to party for a weekend. He isn’t one of the kids in the house, he should bloody well know what the right thing to do is when your child is in hospital.

OP I feel so angry on your behalf; what a huge load you are carrying on your shoulders. What comes across, loud and clear, in your responses is that you are a fantastic mum that is 100% there for her children.

As for your husband, he is weak and this behaviour is pathetic. He asked you if he could go because he wanted you to take the blame for the answer. Regardless of whether you said stay or go, he would blame it on you.

I don’t know where you go from here but he needs a mirror holding up to his behaviour.

Please tell dd that this is no reflection on her, she doen't deserve a father who would do this, and she is an important and valuable person.

Wishing you both all the best OP.

Lollllllll.

Of course. OP - you are a woman, you must know that at some point- at any point- you will be held to blame for the shitty behaviour of men over which you have no control 😂😂😂.

Anyway….. Obviously YANBU OP xxxx

Oh, I totally agree! But he would see it as a choice, and chose. I would be fuming too, but as someone dealing with autism on a regular basis, I wouldn't have offered a choice. This outcome was always a strong possibility.

Having been in exactly the same scenario with my DD when she was slightly older - I don’t know if I could forgive my DH for this. I have never been more scared than when she is in the total grips of her ED.

Your DH should not have even mentioned glastonbury let alone gone - he should be at home with your 16yo (that he would have left overnight if your DD had stayed another night in hospital and his brother had stayed at his GF’s) - cooking, cleaning, sorting stuff out.

How fucking self centred and selfish - I am furious on your behalf. Please follow up on what you started last year and leave him - I cannot believe he has prioritised glastonbury over his family. What a prize twat!!

Was he going for Shittest Dad of the Year? That is absolutely disgusting behaviour on his part. I would never forgive this as his wife or his daughter.

You said to him: "I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” "
Therefore you effectively gave him permission to go.
A different mother might have said: "You do realise our DD is so ill she might not even be here when you get back if you go."
It is no use using indirect or jokey language if you do not say what you mean, especially when it involves an ED in a 12 year old.

Yes, he could easily have chosen to stay at home with his 16 year old DS, picked up the phone when his wife called so he’d have known his daughter was coming home, maybe popped out to get some groceries/safe foods for her (although most likely he doesn’t even know what they are) and been there when they got home to give his little girl a cuddle and his wife a kiss and ask for a debrief.

Instead he chose to leave his 16yo DS alone for an unspecified amount of time and fuck off to an event he doesn’t even have a ticket for, without even knowing how his hospitalised daughter is.

I would be divorcing that cunt before he gets back from Glasto.

So he would only have cared about his daughter if OP had told him to

Surely what it comes down to is he doesn't care about anyone other than himself?

Not there to support you, doesn't care about what is going on with his daughter, just fucks off without clearly telling his 16yr old where he is going.

Would you have gone? Neither I or my husband would have out a festival over being around at a time like you’re having -

This would be absolutely unforgivable to me personally.

I don’t think your DC will think much of her DF once she realises he prioritised the festival for her wellbeing.
Hope she gets better soon.
As for her DF…. it’s decision time for you to see how you want to proceed. As he has form for this type of behaviour it may be awkward to call him out.
Personally, this would be a huge issue for me.

What’s more important to him than his child is being out and carefree
If he was concerned he’d be with your child not fucking about in the mud

Sounds more like narcissism or being "emotionally unavailable" to me.

OP
No, you are absolutely not being unreasonable. In fact, you sound a lot calmer and more composed than many of us would be in your shoes. I think I’d have combusted and spontaneously set fire to his bloody tent.
Let’s just take a moment here:
Your 12-year-old daughter is in hospital with a serious eating disorder, you’re stressed to your limit, sleep-deprived, managing CAMHS, ward reviews, and glucose levels—and this man... this man... buggers off to Glastonbury on a wing and a prayer without a ticket?! And doesn’t even text to say “how is she doing?” or “are you OK?”
I know you say you’re not angry, but I’m angry for you. I’m full Mumsnet rage-simmering on your behalf.
Let’s call a spade a spade:
He's not a monster.
He’s not evil.
But he’s being wildly, mind-numbingly selfish, and frankly a bit emotionally negligent here.
Even if he’s neurodivergent (and let’s acknowledge that if he is, it could explain some things—but not excuse everything), he still has a choice to ask himself “is this a good time for a jolly in a field?” And if he genuinely thought this wouldn’t affect you or DD? Well, then he's either deluded or living in a parallel universe where Glastonbury is a need, not a want.
And the “it’s on your conscience” thing? I’ve said that line myself before in that half-jokey-half-desperately-hoping-they’ll-do-the-decent-thing tone. That wasn’t a green light. That was a giant red flag saying: “I need you to show me you care. Please don’t make me spell it out.”
And he completely missed it.
Also? Your anniversary?
OUCH.
That just adds insult to injury. Unless he’s bringing home Beyoncé, a pony, and the meaning of life in a rucksack, he’s not coming back from this weekend looking good.
Look, only you know the full picture of your relationship and whether this is a blip or a pattern—but from the outside, it really does look like the “new leaf” he supposedly turned over last year has fluttered off in the wind with his common sense.
You deserve:
A co-parent who’s present when the going gets tough
A partner who thinks, “I’d rather be there for my daughter than possibly sneak into a festival”
And most importantly, someone who actually communicates.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You’re clearly doing your utmost for your DD, and holding it all together under pressure that would flatten most people. Be kind to yourself. Vent here as much as you need. And maybe, just maybe, have a long, hard think about what “changed man” means—and whether the bar has been set way too low.

How does he plan to explain, ‘ I went to Glastonbury’ to his ill daughter on his return?

What an absolute bastard. This is teaching your kids what relationships are. Time to LTB