WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

Many years ago my child was knocked over while crossing the road. Mercifully they were not badly hurt but were of course very shocked and upset. I am divorced from their father but of course I told him and he came round to see our child. As he left he promised to call in again the following week but guess what he never did due to being "too busy" . Many years have passed but my child has never forgotten that their dad basically did not give a toss about what they had been through. It will be the same for OP's daughter but she will remember that her mum was the parent who put her first and was there for her physically and emotionally

Well said

It's absolutely crap that he's gone and left you dealing with the hospital and all the children alone. Of course he's an adult and should realise it's not an appropriate time to go.

But - I do think you could communicate better and actually say that you didn't want him to go and list the reasons why. As he will say 'well I asked and you didn't tell me not to go'

he was too busy to pick you uip from an operation?

why did you stay op i know your dc isnt well but this isnt a loving man

and he wont get in you cant without a ticket and im sure they give wristbandds and check them to make sure noones in there who shouldnt be

Well said!

Sorry OP you should be angry IMHO and he’s not a good Dad… no amount of good qualities can make up for this behaviour. I’m sure it’d be easier for you as a single parent. I know this is easy for me to say but that’s my objective opinion. Best wishes to you all

he's obviously a bit of a twat but you knew that, and you suspect he is autistic?

And didn't use clear language? Tbh i don't think you can complain really.

In future use clear language, Hopefully it will be "i want a divorce, when are you moving out?"

If he has the nerve to tell you that you said he could go, then remind him that he’s a grown adult and that, short of physically restraining him, you couldn’t physically stop him from going. What you did was give him an opportunity to show what was more important to him; his family or a festival that he didn’t stand a chance of getting into. Tell him that you have no idea why he went to all the trouble of convincing you to stay, or why you agreed to it, because he adds nothing to your life or the lives of your DC.

And the next time he’s claiming that you’re all jealous of his youth, tell him you’re not jealous; you think he’s a dickhead.

I'm so so sorry. I know what it is like. My family member had an ED. You are in survival mode right now, so it may not hit as hard now as it will down the line when you realise how very little support he has given you. I would 100% divorce him for it. I hope your DD recovers soon & gets all the help she needs.

Really sorry to hear about your daughter's admissions for a ED. When my daughter went through this a few years ago it was the most scary time for us, and we really had to pull together to support each other.
I guess that is my clumsy way of saying your daughter should be priority at present, not a potential trip to Glastonbury.

I have one of those.
You say he is unable to show emotion and empathy well I'm the one being assessed for ADHD and Autism yet my partner is the heartless one. He doesn't know how to be loving because of his past.
He'd rather be out doing his volunteer work or in community meetings than go for a day out with me and his toddler. So I completely understand.
I do sometimes feel like I'm being unreasonable so I do think that he should have time with friends if he wants to but he should also be there for his family, which is what most of our arguments are about.
The fact that he puts the community above his family.

I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.

If you didn’t think he should go you needed to say so clearly. If he does have autistic he would easily have taken this to mean exactly what you said: go, if you want to. He did want to, so he went.

He sounds like a dickhead - thoughtless and useless. I don’t think I could come back from this to be honest.

I hope he can’t get in!

I really don't like this. Her DH is grown adult, parent to a DD who is very ill. He shouldn't have asked if he could go. He should have worked out for himself that he needed to be home to support OP and his daughter. OP told him to decide for himself like a grown up. It is not her fault her DH went. The number of supposedly grown men on here who do something totally shitty and then say "Well she told me I could decide" is mind blowing.

My heart goes out to you, OP. To have a 12 year old going through an eating disorder is so hard, and then an unsupportive partner on top of that. I can’t even get my head around how he would enjoy himself at a festival when his daughter is in hospital.
Any decent man would be holding the fort at home with the two teenage boys - and looking after YOU so that you can look after your DD.
Im sorry to say this but your husband sounds a bit tragic whereas you sound like a fantastic mum and human. Keep going and to hell with whatever idiocy he’s engaged in.

Op, I suspect your husband thought you were giving him the go ahead to go to Glastonbury, so he did. Not that he needed much encouragement though.

You’ve said you suspect he’s on the spectrum but you then say you expected him to behave like a normal human being and not go. It cant be both and you have to either start looking at the things he does from the autism perspective, or you decide that until he has a diagnosis you will only consider him to be NT.

Would I be hurt if my husband did what yours has done? Yes. Even though I also suspect my husband is Autistic. Id be hurt (and angry) because I’d have expected him to have learned at some stage over the years that certain things aren’t acceptable and a child in hospital trumps everything else - even though I’d grudgingly told him to go or decide himself if he thinks it’s on to go,

And apologising for things you’ve said on the thread? I wouldn’t be apologising for anything else, and not just because as soon as autism is mentioned there are those who’ll pick posts apart to find fault with them, and today it’s empathy. You see, the thing with empathy is that for a very long time a lack of empathy was considered to be a set in stone characteristic of autism but as time’s gone on we now know that there are those on the spectrum who do experience degrees of empathy just as there are those who don’t. And we also know that even those who do experience degrees of empathy may not show it in the conventional sense. But back to apologising for things you’ve said - don’t. You werent wrong to say what you did, and yes people who aren’t empathetic can come across as uncaring. But then those who jump on posters in their rush to challenge things said, aren’t really wrong in what they said either - they just need to have a wee think about how they say it and understand it’s easier to catch flies with cider than vinegar.

I wish you and your family well. You must be worried sick about your girl and I hope life is easier for her, for all of you, very soon. 💐

When he finally does text you should reply in a panic saying that you’ve gone away for the weekend and had assumed he was home with the kids…

Has anyone mentioned how your daughter will feel in all this? She is already vulnerable and emotionally sensitive. She is in a very difficult time. Her dad, rather than giving two hoots or showing any basic concern for her, has rushed off to a festival where he likely won’t be contactable for the majority of the time he’s away.

This would be unforgivable for me. If I was your daughter I would be incredibly hurt by this. As his wife you’re equally entitled to feel abandoned in a time of family crisis.

It doesn’t matter if you told him to go. If you hadn’t he would have blamed you for being a “nag” or saying he “isn’t allowed” ! You gave him full free will and he used that free will to run out the back door without a second thought to you, his son home alone, or his daughter in hospital.

He’d be coming home to packed bags if it were me.

"I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo."

But it DOES make a difference! It may not change your daughter's medical status, but it would support you supporting her. It would share the load. It might even make HIS daughter believe he cares. It makes a difference!

"I guess im used to him doing what he wants. I don’t want to nag him bc that fulfils his expectation of me and quite honestly im not bothered that he’s not here, im just sad that he thinks it’s ok and that he’s just been pretending to have changed when he really hasn’t.
Last year I just kind of stopped caring any more and wanted to leave him but he talked me round and it all seemed too difficult to actually leave. I just don’t let stuff bother me any more and have become kind of numb bc then I can’t be disappointed."
Your marriage is in a very sad state. TBH, it's a marriage in name only, now. He 'talked you round' - why? He doesn't want to look after you and your/his children, he wants to do his own thing. Does he regard you as his wife, or as his domestic appliance (“I don’t want chippy”)? Is that what you are to him - housekeeper and childminder?

Being numb is not healthy for you. I can understand you putting the work of divorcing him on the back burner for now, you have more immediate matters to deal with, you could do without having your headspace divided. But this is not a healthy supportive marriage, this is a drain on your energies. When DD is in a better space, turn some of your remaining energies to your long-term future - and get rid of this weight dragging you down.

((hug))

Well that's a really fucking unhelpful and downright unnecessary post. Kick the OP while she's down, why don't you?

I don't suppose she realised he was going to become an uncaring selfish bastard towards their dc when she married him, did she?

Has he actually realised how serious this ED has become, or is he dismissive and impatient of it?

His not too possibly autistic to follow rules is he, for everyone saying black and white.

Black and white. I have no ticket so I cannot get in. Not well I will try and chest my way in.

Black and white he knew he shouldn’t go that’s why he was seeking permission.

Cant miss work until he wants to.

Rather than possibly being autistic he is more likely a selfish arsehole who’s worn his wife down over the years with his very literal outlook when it suits him.

Ops scared of being a nag that’s not a black and white thinker that’s yet again another man who cnba till his wife has had to ask one million times. Doesn’t sound like anyone with autism I know. Rules and lists.

I guess my question is why do you think he is autistic? Like what does he do/not do, say/not say that makes you think he is autistic? I mean autism varies hugely, but

• lack of empathy
• lack of understanding of someone else's view point
• taking things literally

are all very strong traits I have seen in some of the people I worked with. "go if you want" would literally mean "If you want to go, I really don't mind you going". Maybe in your husband, this isn't the case, but maybe it could be. I would certainly not say that to an autistic person unless I meant it.

He's fully aware that his child is in hospital, and he doesn't care.

Don't let this fact sway you though going forward. There's no way my DH would have gone anywhere under these circumstances no matter I had told him to go.

The fact that he hasn't been available on the phone is a massive massive issue too.

Who goes to Glasto when their kid is in hospital anyway and when they do go, doesn't even make sure they are 100% available Christ on a bike, I would be reconsidering everything after this all gets settled.