WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

@Hopetheportaloosareminging he's a piece of shit.

My father caused my eating disorder. He was entirely emotionally unavailable and didn’t care about me. He actually said he didn’t love me, and nothing about what he did contradicted that view. The harm that is done to the children of parents like him is off the scale. Whatever the suffering on the outside, the internal landscape will be twice as bad.

You tell us.
You’re the one on here complaining about him.

I think ops dh knew what he was doing when he asked her.

Caught her off guard stressed out trying to get shit done and she’s thrown out the long version on whatever do whatever. Just to get him to leave her alone and not drain more of her mental space.

Everyone’s so caught up on his possible op diagnosed maybe autism. Thats purely based on only the bad stereotypes which funny enough people with autism can be arseholes because they are just arseholes who happen to have autism. It’s become handy to self diagnose everyone with an issue to cover bad behaviour.

But people digging on ops response as a stressed mum with a daughter in hospital basically circling the worst she can as someone with a ED and her husband takes advantage of that.

It’s not maybe Autism he left her at the hospital too busy after her op, left their ok 16 year old home not knowing if op or the older child would be home at all over the weekend. Skips out on their wedding anniversary as well. Hasn’t text to check in at all he can’t leave work expect to skive for his wants.

Let’s not arm chair diagnose this man with anything other than being a self arsehole.

He did the man thing of asking permission knowing op had no choice but to either suck it up or be painted as a controlling wife of which he already calls her nag.

His shown his daughter she means less than a few bands when she’s at her worst daddy fucked off not a care in the world.

I'd be more concerned that he hasn't texted to ask how your DD is!

Doesn't he care?

I'm so sorry x

Sorry, would be divorce for me. Simple as that. Could he get much lower? I wouldn’t stick around to find out. He doesn’t care about you or her. Selfish prick.

This is a really good point.
You need to start considering what is the root cause of your daughter’s eating disorder.

You and your daughter are in an abusive relationship with this man. When people are being abused mentally and emotionally then the stress of it can manifest in multiple health issues. My own health imploded in such a relationship, and many other women on this site will testify that it's happened to them too.

Your daughter has an abusive father, it's time to take steps to get her away from him to give her a fighting chance.

So sorry, OP, your husband should have stayed and been a support to both yourself and you daughter.
it’s no OK that he went, he should have been able to realise this.

This would be enough for me to divorce my husband.

I’m a long way down this path.

You really need to treat him as the man he is, not the man you want him to be. So stop waiting for him to understand what’s needed and want to support you emotionally. He just can’t get that.

Tell him what you need him to do. Tell him what his share is. “I’m at hospital with DD, you need to cook the dinner, and bring me fresh clothes. Or you can come and keep DD company while I come home and have a shower.

If he doesn’t shape up when given clear expectations- including ‘because if you leave me to do this on your own, you’ll show that you’re a selfish arse!’, then you know it’s time to shape up and ship out.

Honestly it’s much easier when you stop hoping and make things happen.

But he didn't "ask if he could go" he said "I suppose I can't go now" and OP said "Go if you want to" - there is a difference and if he is autistic that is a very straightforward answer/response scenario - "I thought I couldn't go, now you've said I can, great!"

Again I'm not saying it's OK.

If he is autistic then he may not have got the joke when you said go if you want to.
You have to explicitly say, I need your support, I need you to do xyz, please stay.
He hasn't even got a bloomin ticket!
DD had anorexia and only after her younger siblings were diagnosed did I discover that there is a big crossover between anorexia and autism, often undiagnosed . Girls present very differently. So be worth considering if your DD also may be autistic. .
Nursing anyone through anorexia is tough very tough. When DD was ill it was very noticeable at hospital and clinics that's dad's were barely present, when the going gets very tough it's the mums who pick up the pieces and make sacrifices in a consistent long term basis, putting themselves last and their poorly child.
You probably don't have headspace for DHs selfish behaviour right now. He can't control DDs anorexia or fix it and probably doesn't understand it., he is probably running away, literally, because he can't or won't cope.
DD will recover she will get better but it's not a quick fix. Concentrate on her and yourself.
You are not being unreasonable to want more support, where would DD be if you had f**ked off to Glastonbury too!!!

Stupidest reply ever.

Maybe, just maybe, she expected him to behave like a father should when his child is in hospital.

Thank you. At the time, it seemed normal because that's what he was like. When there's a pattern of behaviour, it becomes normalised in a family and you become desensitised to things that others might be shocked by.

Because otherwise she knew she’d be the bad guy. If my DP told me I could walk off a cliff, I wouldn’t bloody do it because there are some circumstances where common sense should prevail, and having an unwell child in hospital is one of them.

OP says he understands sarcasm. So even if he is autistic, it doesn’t mean he didn’t get what she was saying.

You told a probably autistic person to go if he wanted. You knew he wanted to go. You are now annoyed that be did. I am not saying he should have gone, but you can't expect that he will be able to read your subtext. Next time be clear how you feel.

Well yes, you did say it "go if you want to, it'll be on your conscience" - if he is autistic he may well have just taken that as "go" rather the nuance of "obvs don't go I'm being sarcastic" I get irritated when people "double speak" like that, especially in the context of a difficult conversation.

I'm not in any way saying what he's done is OK.

Lack of care and empathy for a DD are not autistic traits. They are shi t parent traits

So sorry about your daughter! I can't imagine any decent man going to Glastonbury leaving their child like that.

You sound utterly exhausted, no wonder, you have no fight left in you. No halfway decent bloke should even be asking if they can go in those circumstances. If they are insensitive enough to ask, you just KNOW they will be beyond useless if they stayed and probably blame you for missing out.

@Hopetheportaloosareminging I really hope you find the strength to leave this disgusting man, and for the reasons below

1. He is horrible and managing him will suck your energy. He will not change.

1. He doesn't deserve a family set up. currently he has that. He is benefitting from having a wife and his family together. That should be treasured. He should be cherishing you for everything you do to keep the family going while dealing with such challenges as your dd being sick. He is getting to present to the world as a family man. He doesn't deserve any of that, he should lose that privilege, he deserves to lose you.

1. Like pp said, your children need to know this is unacceptable behaviour in a marriage and that you value yourself more than to stay and tolerate his rubbish treatment of the whole family.

Op you say he does understand sarcasm. From that ive assumed that he doesn't struggle with only ever taking what you say literally?

From your other updates and how worn down you are, im struggling to fully understand why you haven't split up?