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AIBU?

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Original poster

WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

889 replies

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 15:58

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

OP posts:
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Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife · 26/06/2025 20:19

I'm so sorry OP. 💐 The sense I get from what you've posted about your pathetic excuse of a 'husband' is that he sounds narcissistic. I know that term gets banded about willy nilly these days, but it truly sounds like the term fits him. He has a grandiose sense of his own importance, he's too busy, he's the only one that really matters and that is what he has shown you by his actions after your GA and now, when your DD is SERIOUSLY ill, he's posting in a family WhatsApp group, purporting to 'how great he is' again, the sense of grandiosity is off the scale! It's very cold and quite sinister!

PrincessOfPreschool · 26/06/2025 20:19

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 19:58

Thanks everyone still reading, just went out for food with dd as I couldn’t be arsed cooking and she ate quite well which was good 😊

Just the above quote and:
can understand that autism might mean you don't pick up on sarcasm and nuance and may take things literally, at face value.

This isnt him. He understands nuance and sarcasm, it’s more that he never seems very bothered by anything that most people would be bothered by. He has a kind of toxic positivity of “oh everything will be ok”. He seems to think the camhs people etc are overreacting.

Anyway, they’ve also told me we probably won’t be able to go abroad on holiday over summer so maybe that will hit home to him a bit. Though I suspect he’ll just think it’s another overreaction.

When I say he has autistic traits, it isn’t extreme or anything - he functions perfectly normally in normal life.

Show quote history

It sounds more like your DH has a personality disorder.

Scentedjasmin · 26/06/2025 20:19

I really hope that he drops his wallet down the toilet and then gets stuck head first whilst he tries to retrieve it.

thepariscrimefiles · 26/06/2025 20:18

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 16:46

I'm not seeking to blame you as my second point is that I think you have become immune to his ways, lacking in emotional support that you don't look to him for that element of your life. So much so that you don't look for it as the looking is itself stressful and any success is short lived.

This is so true, thank you. I have tried to just accept this is who he is and concentrate on his good points but it just leaves me thinking “wtf”? Sometimes.

Like one example (of many) of why things led to us nearly splitting was things like me having to go into hospital for an op under general anaesthetic, then afterwards when they said someone needed to pick me up and I rang him he said he was too busy and to get a taxi.

I had to pretend he was waiting outside for me and couldn’t find a parking space.

His excuse is always that he’s extremely busy and important and he can’t just drop things like other men.

But you don’t forget things like that.

Also dd has had loads of appointments this last few weeks and the other day I ask him if he could take her to her therapy session just this once as I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all and was going to meet a friend for coffee - he said no of course, he’s too busy.

But now has found the time to go to Glastonbury taking away two working days (maybe Monday too, I don’t know).

Those examples of his selfishness and lack of care for his family are just terrible! Being too busy to pick up his wife after an operation under general anaesthetic and too busy to take his daughter to her therapy session. He doesn't deserve you and he doesn't deserve his kids.

I think you need to think again about separating and don't let him talk you round this time.

Original poster
Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 20:17

Shetlands · 26/06/2025 18:44

When I was 13 I fractured my wrist and after I'd been seen in A&E and strapped up, given a sling etc. my father left me there and told me I could get a bus home, on a Sunday, because he was going out with his mates. So I had a long walk to the bus stop (in pain) then waited ages for a bus (Sunday service) then a long walk from the bus stop home.

He was immature and selfish - always - never changed. Some parents are like this and you can make all the fuss you like but it won't make any difference. You either tolerate it or you leave.

God, thats so upsetting to even read. I’m so so sorry that happened to you ❤️

OP posts:
Bunnycat101 · 26/06/2025 20:16

Ugg I’m amazed he got in. I was really hoping he’d be back all sheepish. The worst thing is that now he has got in, he’ll be an absolute waste of space until Tuesday as a minimum as he’ll be tired and hungover if he stays until the end.

Do you think he’s minimising the possible impact of the ED? I’d be so cross. It’s such a serious and nasty illness. You must be beside yourself with worry and furious at having to deal with him buggering off to play festivals.

Emma543 · 26/06/2025 20:16

Scentedjasmin · 26/06/2025 20:15

I'd be so angry, especially at his last text. I would post "we've also just got in. From hospital!" so that the rest of the family can see what an absolute wazzock he is.

Great idea

Notyomama · 26/06/2025 20:16

I am genuinely shocked at the posters who are saying 'you gave him permission to go.' What a truly and utterly bizarre response. The OP's husband is a functioning adult, not a bloody child! The idea that he would 'get permission' and then just go off and leave his wife and ill child to fend for themselves is ludicrous.

OP you're so used to this behaviour that you can't see it for what it is - total selfishness. A decent husband would be checking in every hour, bringing you things, getting you food, doing whatever he could to make this very worrying and difficult situation better. He would never dream of fucking off down the country, no matter whether he had 'permission' or not.

LemondrizzleShark · 26/06/2025 20:16

myplace · 26/06/2025 19:36

I’m a long way down this path.

You really need to treat him as the man he is, not the man you want him to be. So stop waiting for him to understand what’s needed and want to support you emotionally. He just can’t get that.

Tell him what you need him to do. Tell him what his share is. “I’m at hospital with DD, you need to cook the dinner, and bring me fresh clothes. Or you can come and keep DD company while I come home and have a shower.

If he doesn’t shape up when given clear expectations- including ‘because if you leave me to do this on your own, you’ll show that you’re a selfish arse!’, then you know it’s time to shape up and ship out.

Honestly it’s much easier when you stop hoping and make things happen.

Honestly if you are at the point where you have to tell somebody not to go partying when their child is sick, and to cook dinner for your children when they are at home and you are sitting with another child in hospital all day, and generally give step by step instructions on how to be a barely adequate partner, and if they don’t do something then it’s your fault for not spelling it out clearly enough, what on earth is the point?

Plus OP did ask him to pick her up after her surgery, and to take their daughter to therapy. And he just flatly refused because it didn’t suit.

Scentedjasmin · 26/06/2025 20:15

I'd be so angry, especially at his last text. I would post "we've also just got in. From hospital!" so that the rest of the family can see what an absolute wazzock he is.

Emma543 · 26/06/2025 20:15

Wow I’d be really sad initially OP but after the picture I’d be bloody livid.
although he can argue you didn’t say he can’t go I would say it was an opportunity to show putting his family first rather than himself.. which he failed.

ConfusedNoMore · 26/06/2025 20:15

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 16:19

Yes, you’re absolutely right. Dd is extremely sensitive to other people’s moods etc. I guess I wondered if dh is the selfish kind of autistic where he’s so hyper focussed on himself he forgets everything else.

Show quote history

They're just narcissistic twats tbh.

I married one too. Been divorced a decade ish.

He's still the same. Has just dumped DS again and booked a holiday without any discussion. I've had to adapt my plans and suck it up as usual.

TheaBrandt1 · 26/06/2025 20:14

Unless he has time travelled back to 1994 he won’t get in without a ticket. We are quite local and even the teenagers know not to do this.

Original poster
Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 20:13

Seeingadistance · 26/06/2025 18:36

The OP's husband doesn't have a diagnosis of autism.

Given that there is often an unfortunate tendency to conflate autism with being an arsehole, the odds are that the OP's husband is in fact simply an arsehole.

Show quote history

I wish we still had the laugh emoji.

You lot a really helping, thanks so much 🤗

OP posts:
throwawaynametoday · 26/06/2025 20:12

I'm actually lost for words OP. As a parent with a DD of a similar age with a serious MH condition (not an ED but similar) I honesty, honestly cannot even begin to understand how your DH could even begin to contemplate this.

I mean, his daughter has just been hospitalised FFS? What is he even thinking? How is he able to compartmentalise to such a degree that he is able to have fun while his own daughter is so unwell with such a very serious condition? That's before you even begin to consider the practical implications of leaving you alone for a long weekend to support your DD and her siblings.

I'm actually speechless, I have never read anything like that on here and that is saying something.

Takenoprisoner · 26/06/2025 20:07

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 20:05

Never.

Can you imagine?

”Here, you need to go with dd to hospital love, I’m fucking off to Glastonbury with a “friend” I haven’t seen for 20 years. I haven’t got a ticket but il take my chances, you deal with everything ok? Dunno when il be back”

I mean, I didn’t even get that - just a vague “am I still going to Glastonbury then?” last night. And one generic text at 10am this morning which said “how are you, did you sleep well? Hopefully she’ll be ok x” then going home and finding him gone.

That’s it.

Show quote history

'Am I still going to Glastonbury then?'

oh my dear God. If that doesn't give you the ick then nothing will. What a waste of space.

LemondrizzleShark · 26/06/2025 20:07

MorrisZapp · 26/06/2025 17:33

I couldn't be with any man who didn't love his kid enough to stay nearby when they were very ill. If my child is ill I absolutely have to be there, I'd walk through walls to get to him. Your DH doesn't seem arsed either way. Bin him.

Yep - it doesn’t matter if OP gave him permission or not. Even if she begged him to go, the fact that he wants to go out partying when his child is seriously ill in hospital would be enough for me to bin him off.

How could it even enter his head to go to Glastonbury in those circumstances? That isn’t autism, it is being a selfish cunt.

lessglittermoremud · 26/06/2025 20:07

Sounds less autistic by your update and just completely selfish….

SilenceLover · 26/06/2025 20:06

MarchHairs · 26/06/2025 16:13

You told him go if you want

You shouldn't have said something you didn't mean

But he’s a grown man, why should someone else need to be making the ‘right’ decision for him? Surely he should be able to do that for himself and be there to support his family without being told that’s the correct thing to do.

Original poster
Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 20:05

mullers1977 · 26/06/2025 17:49

Would you have gone? Neither I or my husband would have out a festival over being around at a time like you’re having -

Never.

Can you imagine?

”Here, you need to go with dd to hospital love, I’m fucking off to Glastonbury with a “friend” I haven’t seen for 20 years. I haven’t got a ticket but il take my chances, you deal with everything ok? Dunno when il be back”

I mean, I didn’t even get that - just a vague “am I still going to Glastonbury then?” last night. And one generic text at 10am this morning which said “how are you, did you sleep well? Hopefully she’ll be ok x” then going home and finding him gone.

That’s it.

OP posts:
loobyloo1979 · 26/06/2025 20:05

And you're still with him because.........?

Serenitymummy · 26/06/2025 20:03

I'm so sorry your husband is such a selfish bellend. I think there's be no coming back from this for me. Prick.

nomas · 26/06/2025 20:02

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 16:29

I guess im used to him doing what he wants. I don’t want to nag him bc that fulfils his expectation of me and quite honestly im not bothered that he’s not here, im just sad that he thinks it’s ok and that he’s just been pretending to have changed when he really hasn’t.

Last year I just kind of stopped caring any more and wanted to leave him but he talked me round and it all seemed too difficult to actually leave. I just don’t let stuff bother me any more and have become kind of numb bc then I can’t be disappointed.

Show quote history

Time to leave, OP. Don’t waste another precious 20 years on him.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 26/06/2025 20:02

So do you think he already had a ticket or he was able to buy one there?

nomas · 26/06/2025 20:01

waterrat · 26/06/2025 16:10

My daughter and brother are autistic and two of the most empathetic and sensitive people I've ever met. I really hate the trope of excusing selfishness with autism.

Many autistic people (and you ofc mean 'high functioning in this case rather than severe non verbal autism) are actually over sensitive to how other people feel

She knows her DH and daughter better than you. She is allowed to have thoughts.