WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

My late husband was autistic. He could be empathetic AND completely oblivious. I remember being sick one time and worried about it. He lay on the bed with me and read for a day and a half. When I later commented that I could have been in real trouble he said if I'd passed out he would have acted but I was still conscious so nothing to worry about.
He was a great husband in fact, just not always terribly aware. Took very good care of the cats (we don't have kids).

My ex was like this, so selfish it sometimes resembled narcissism but not quite, because it didn't have malice and intentionality, it was a complete lack of consideration for others.

I was late diagnosed ADHD and didn't consider my ex had autism till my son was diagnosed, and a woman who nannied for my 2 kids after school commented that my son was very similar to his father and the penny dropped for me.

There is a very common relationship combination of hyper empathetic ADHD women partnering with autistic men that lack empathy, and our empathy leads us to make all sorts of excuses on their behalf for their inconsiderate behaviour.

Only you can know if the relationship is worth it for you, what does he do that is good and improves your life versus how much he drains you.

I was a shell of my former self by the time my relationship ended due to the compromises or 'accommodations' I was making for my ex, I wasn't looking after myself. I am so much happier alone.

Is you daughter diagnosed neurodivergent? If not, you should look into it, there is a high prevalence of neurodiversity in people with eating disorders and not taking that into account in her treatment will mean the treatment is not as likely to be successful.

Oh eating disorder! I wondered what ED was. Only thing I could think of was erectile dysfunction and obvs it's not that!

Its the other way around, surely? Unmet expectations lead to unspoken but real resentments.

"Unspoken expectations lead to unmet resentments" - if have said that I needed him to be there for DD and myself...

Yes you said he could go if he wanted , but that wasn't a free pass to be a bad parent.

Agree with @Fratolish this and leaving you to get a taxi home last year is completely unforgivable.

I already posted two comments in this thread and more thoughts came into my mind hours later.

OP, I just want to gently say — you are going through hell right now, and it’s completely understandable that you’re hurt, shocked, and angry. Your partner disappearing to Glastonbury while your daughter is unwell in hospital? Yeah. That’s a huge emotional punch in the gut.
But… right now, your daughter needs you more than ever. And you need to protect your energy as much as possible so you can get through this very intense, emotionally draining time. Hospital visits, obs checks, uncertainty — it’s a lot. Please be kind to yourself.
As for your DH — there is definitely a conversation that needs to happen. Maybe even a big one, depending on how things unfold. But you don’t have to tackle that right now. That talk can wait until your daughter is more stable and you have the capacity to actually process what you need from him, without it coming from a place of sheer exhaustion or crisis mode.
Maybe jot down what you’re feeling in the meantime — what hurt, what support you expected, what you need moving forward. That way, when things settle a bit, you’ll be able to clearly express what’s been building up.
But for now? Focus on your girl. Get through this patch. Let people around you help where they can (even if it's just someone bringing over food or watching your DS for an hour).
You’re clearly a loving and devoted mum. Just make sure you don’t burn yourself out trying to carry it all — because your wellbeing matters too.

I do think it's worth considering the possibility that your DH does have difficulties around emotional processing or empathy, especially if he shows clear autistic traits. Autism can absolutely impact how a person interprets social cues, prioritises actions, or responds to others' distress — not out of malice or selfishness, but because their internal logic works differently.
On the point of empathy and possible autism traits — fair enough that may affect how he processes situations, but it doesn’t absolve someone from basic communication or presence. Autistic or not, if your partner and child are dealing with a medical emergency, and you go radio silent and physically absent, it’s going to feel like abandonment. Even if the intention wasn’t malicious.
That said… understanding a reason is not the same as excusing the impact.
Your daughter is 12 and in crisis. You are exhausted, scared, and probably emotionally running on fumes. In that moment, you needed your partner — not necessarily to solve everything, but to show up. To be there. And he wasn’t. Whether that’s because he literally couldn’t grasp the emotional weight of the situation, or because he was overwhelmed and shut down, or even just laser-focused on his plans… the result is the same for you: you felt alone, unsupported, and dismissed.
You said “go if you want” — and I think too many of us would recognise that tone. It’s the “I shouldn’t have to tell you not to go, because surely you get that this is serious” tone. That he didn’t get it may well be down to neurodivergence. But that still leaves you holding all the emotional and practical weight — again.
If he is autistic, then maybe it’s time for a really honest conversation about how to make the emotional labour in your family more sustainable — especially during crises. Because the solution can’t be “you always have to carry the weight because he doesn’t mean harm.”
You deserve support.
Your daughter deserves both parents engaged and available.
So no, you're not being unreasonable. You’re asking for the bare minimum of partnership during an incredibly tough time — and that’s okay.

Or... you could read the fucking thread.

Hi @Hopetheportaloosareminging sorry to hear your DD is finding it difficult at the moment with her ED.
My DS has ARFID and although more steady at the moment, the checks, tests, possible admittance to hospital (the worry of it all and logistics of family life) is never easy. You must be exhausted!

As a slight aside, do you know if your area has an outpatient ED clinic that supports her ED type? Ours does and so we were able to go there weekly/every other week when DS had to get bloods done and have obs done. It was so much less stressful than going to the hospital each time.

Hope your DD is ok and her obs are better on Saturday when the nurse comes.

As for your DH, he sounds very much like mine - unless you spell it out exactly, he will take things literally. You said he could go (albeit in a jokey way) so he maybe thinks you didn’t mind.

I’d be past giving a fuck how autistic minds work. Others on this thread have said their autistic partners would be at the hospital every day.she only said to go because he asked, and now she should be divorcing him. Choices have consequences.

@Hopetheportaloosareminging
Firstly, by leaving it up to him you basically gave him a free pass to go, because you basically said I'm fine for you to go.
Secondly, they are checking your daughter's obs at the weekend, she's not been admitted to hospital therefore she must be stable. If she was at risk, they would have kept her.
Thirdly, you make reference to autistic traits. Some people with autism struggle with showing empathy. Either that or maybe he genuinely can't deal with his daughter having an eating disorder so the easiest thing to do, is go away for a few days because then he doesn't have to think about.
I do think you are being somewhat unreasonable as you've not seen the bigger picture.

My DH is autistic (diagnosed) and he would be there in this situation. No way would he be going anywhere by choice.

If your DH is autistic, there is a high correlation between autism and ED, so something to keep in mind when this crisis has passed.

So sorry you're going through this OP.

Feeling for you and your DD with her being so dreadfully ill with such a dangerous condition. I am stuck on your use of the word miffed, which I think of as meaning mildly annoyed. I, as most others here, would be raging angry, miffed doesn't come close to it.
They should be offering family therapy when a child is suffering from anorexia. I hope they do and that it helps you all work through this and you can make decisions that are right for you and DD.

He need to seriously step up and start taking an interest in his daughter’s health on his return. Even if he didn’t realise how serious EDs are, just a normal level of care and concern for her health rather than his fun and entertainment would have seen him stay at home and be there for each other. Autism doesn’t give people a free pass to avoid parenting their child.

Sorry, but he’s a selfish piece of shit. Just as a comparison, when I went into hospital last year my partner did everything he could for me and my child.

Have you read anything about the psychology of eating disorders?

There are some theories that children’s eating disorders are related to marital discord comes primarily from systemic and psychodynamic family approaches, particularly the work of Salvador Minuchin. In these models, the child’s eating disorder is seen as a symptom of wider family dysfunction, especially unresolved conflict between parents. Often, the child becomes the “identified patient,” unconsciously drawing attention away from parental discord and creating a point of unity—however temporary—for the family. This dynamic can involve enmeshment, triangulation, or the child taking on a caregiving or peacekeeping role. Psychodynamically, the eating disorder may serve as a defence against overwhelming anxiety or emotional chaos in the family, allowing the child to exert control or communicate distress nonverbally. Attachment theory also supports this, suggesting that children exposed to emotionally unavailable or conflicted parenting may develop disordered eating as a self-regulatory strategy. In all models, the eating disorder reflects not just individual pathology but a response to relational tensions within the family system.

I think it’s absolutely shocking that a father would fuck off to Glastonbury while his tormented daughter is ill in hospital. Mind-blowing lack of emotional support for her and you. Just. WOW. Wow. His head is so far up his arse it’s unreal.
When I was briefly in hospital with a totally lesser thing as a teen, both parents were there to visit and my dad, worried sick, bought me a big daft teddy. That’s what I consider a normal fatherly response. It would not have crossed his mind for one second to go to a sodding festival.

(The poor mite, I hope she responds to any interventions).

If he is autistic like you keep mentioning, black and white thinking etc you’ve said “go if you want” he’s taken that literally and gone.
You can’t really be mad.

OMG what a disgusting person he is, I won’t say man because there are some decent ones out there. I can see why you have switched off. I would be seriously considering getting yourself sorted and leaving him, what dose he actually contribute to your family?

I grew up with old school manly men, main blue collar earners but none of them would ever behave like this. My DF & DBs ( all my uncles too) would do just as much housework/cooking etc.. The women were mainly children related but if any child was ever in hospital the men would be there if they weren’t doing childcare so mums could be. I remember my mums brother, he was the only one child free at the time travelling by overnight coach across country to look after me and my little brother when my older brother was rushed to hospital. Between him and my Dads brothers they sorted out transport to get my parents to and from hospital, it was the 70s and hardly anyone drove. It was also my first holy communion, one of my uncles gave up his one and only day off to get my mum and dad to the church before taking us all back to be with my brother. My skinhead 22 yo uncle tried to do my hair but it was fixed by my much older uncle who had 3 DDs older than me and was a wiz at up dos when I got to the church.

I’ve actually rolled my eyes in hospitals when they automatically assume I will be the one staying with my child. Most A& E trips ( there has been a few) have been done by DH. When one of my DDs was really unwell and was in and out of hospital for months DH (our sole earner, in a very important job) took 2 weeks off work to drive her all over the country to see specialists. This is what good Dads do, not fuck off to a music festival.

I can’t imagine what this is saying to your poor DD. I hope she gets the help she needs OP, you too and I hope you are able to move on from this fucking looser twat!

he hasnt even asked how his dd is hes not fucking autistic

The level of uncaring selfishness it takes to head off on a jolly when your child is hospitalised with a mental illness is off the scale. I could not forgive this.

He's comfortable travelling to Glastonbury, without a ticket, and not knowing where he'll end up?

Autistic or not (my son and father have it so I have some experience personally aside from clubs etc designed for neurodiverse people I attend) and very black and white thinking, he should still know this is a dickhead move.

You need some support in this situation. He doesn't even have tickets! Have you told him how you feel? It's not like he's cancelling a paid up, booked, non-refundable trip.

Not sure he's autistic, maybe just a selfish twat.

Bear in mind you told him to go, if he is autistic he just followed your logic and went, that's how the autistic mind works.

Yeah, he’s a selfish cunt.