WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

He phrased his fake question about not going anymore in such a way that backed you into a corner of either reluctantly saying go if you want or saying very explicitly no you can't go and therefore fulfilling the reputation of nag that he seems to have given you from your updates?

You shouldn't be his moral compass or be taking responsibility, you didn't "give him permission" to go, he should be able to make the right choice himself. By asking you in that way "oh I guess I can't go anymore...?...?" Is quite manipulative actually.

You should really leave him for good this time @Hopetheportaloosareminging

You are being very brave about it but I think you’ve normalised his awful behaviour & while you rationally know it’s very bad and you’re angry about it, you’re disassociated and you’re not really acknowledging what a terrible husband and father he is.

I was married to a man like that and I look back on how he treated me and our kids and it blows my mind that I tolerated it for so long. I’m now engaged to a lovely man who would never in a million years do something that he knew would hurt or upset me.

My sister is married to a man like your DH/like my ex and I’ve heard so many times “oh, H just lacks the empathy gene, he’s so good with the kids… he makes their lunches/takes then to cricket practice”
or whatever. If your H is devoid of empathy towards you I don’t think there’s a relationship there worth salvaging (speaking from bitter experience). One of my sister’s kids is also struggling with an ED type condition and I am sure their father’s behaviour is a factor.

Seriously? Your first thought in this situation is his feelings? No wonder men get away with this shit.

You are a lone parent OP, it’s up to you whether or not you’re prepared to make it official.

Exactly.

Not just what he would have thought but society in general too. She would have been seen as a neglectful mother but these men get a free pass by pretending their children are not their responsibility.

1st off he's a complete dick and you need to seriously think about leaving him
2nd lack of empathy and inability to cry aren't autistic traits and those online test are a pile of crap but are designed to be taken by the person not someone else.
Please stop blaming his shitty behaviour on your diagnosis of asd in him as its really insulting to those of us who are diagnosed (by professionals) as asd, its not a catchall for shitty behaviour

What a selfish arsehole. This is nothing to do with autism. It’s a manchild who has no respect for his family.
most people would think “no, my daughter is unwell, I need to be at home to support my family”
My DP would be returning from Glastonbury to his entire belongings on the front drive.
what a pathetic, selfish excuse of a man.

To be fair, OP sounds like she's had a titful of him. The "Do what you want", sounds like something I would have said to my ex when I was done with his endless infantile behaviour in the face of an absolute shitshow that I was dealing with hour to hour that, had he been an actual adult, he could have helped me with massively and it wasn't on the level OP is dealing with.

Thank you. Sick of this being trotted out so blithely.

He sounds selfish but you were stupid in not talking to him like an adult and just saying “ no of course I don’t want you to go. Our daughter has an eating disorder and is in and out of hospital and we are supposed to be supporting her and each other and you don’t even have a ticket”. A passive aggressive “ do what you want” was stupid reply.

‘He’s one track minded’ translates into selfish and self centred. All these men have very very stressful jobs, most of them are just very good at making you think that so they can get their free ticket to do what they like.

He shouldn’t have gone but equally you shouldn’t have said if you want to. You essentially said it’s upto you but then are annoyed he made a different choice to you. I’d be amazed if he can get in it’s not the eighties with holes in the fences.

I would feel inclined to go on to the family group and tell them what he's done.

OP please see this as the end. Don't be persuaded by him this time. You might find that your DD will pick up once you have a quiet and thoughtful space without him?

Whatever you do, he will twist it round to make you look unreasonable. He's an appalling bell end. Stop listening to him and get legal advice. You can't live the rest of your life with him. He has something missing!

My upbringing was hectic but I knew my Dad loved me and he would never have buggered off anywhere if I was in hospital.

Because during the early stages of a relationship, their partner is their autistic obsession and they hyperfocus on them. This makes them the ideal partner. Usually, by the time this has run it's course and worn off, you are married to them. Same with ADHD.

When I married my DH, he hadn't yet been diagnosed. It was many years before he was.

I would be booking a spa weekend trip just for myself for a coming weekend and announcing it cheerfully on the family WhatsApp.

Use the time at the spa to really think about everything and whether you see a future with him or not and if not, when would be the optimum time for you to separate. Chance to relax, read, recharge, sleep. Let him carry the burden of family life for a change.

This is really shocking OP, I’m so sorry. Have you had any contact with him overnight?

Why does the realisation of autism only manifest after marriage and the birth of children. Is it not there before. Or, just maybe, it's just an excuse. Does it make any difference. You live with it or you don't. Or it is easier if you have a reason for bad behaviour.

As someone who's partner flew to Germany when one of our children was ill, who did a 6 hour drive with me to fetch a child in crisis, who moved in for 4 days with an independent sick child, I can't relate to these actions, sorry.

@spicedapplestew following with interest here, I didnt realise there was a correlation with autism and eating disorders. My ex autistic DP was very particular with food/controlled about his physique. It was almost like an obsession. He wasn't anorexic so I didnt think much about it but was regimental.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.

This is the problem I think.

If he is autistic or he has traits or just thinks 'in straight lines', in his head he asked you if it was OK to go and you said, 'yes'.

He doesn't hear the sarcasm or the humour or see the body language.

'Yes' in his head means yes, go, have fun, see you soon.

Leave him. He sounds nasty anyway. Maybe having a nicer atmosphere at home will help her.

If you know one person with autism that's it, you know one person with autism.

There are sensory seeking profiles and some autistic people will love festivals.

What a lovely caring family you sound..It was moving to read this.

My guess is that they don’t have joint bank accounts but I really hope they do. If so, why don’t you trawl through the accounts a bit for the tickets @Hopetheportaloosareminging

I think ThisTicklishFatball gives great advice.

It sounds like you tuned out to protect yourself some time ago and the fact that doing that doesn’t really protect you has sadly come home to roost. It must be heartbreaking. But you didn’t give him permission to go. He’s a grown man and your permission isn’t required. You told him to do what he wanted to in the situation. And he did what he wanted. It’s a very clear form of communication, whatever his reason for doing it and it seems like it’s not a one off.

So look after yourself. Don’t take responsibility for his actions. And when you have the capacity, decide what you want regarding your relationship and take whatever action you need to.

All my best to you and your DD. It’s such a scary illness, I hope she sees improvement soon.

Black and white thinking doesnt just apply to some (note - some, not all) people with ASD's, it applies to fucking selfish bellends too. In my family we have both, one group cant help how they react, the other most definitely can.

He has an uncurable case of selfishness, not ASD. His black and white thinking is about him v everyone else. He will always put himself first, not because he CANT put anyone else first, the OP said he improved massively when it became clear she was about to leave, but because HE DOESNT WANT TO. He did what was needed at the time to stop her leaving and making his life harder. He wanted his life easy, so he did the bare minimum to keep that status quo. But then a big real life thing happened to someone who wasnt him and who needed him, at the same time as something that he really wanted to do. So he did what he wanted to do.

Selfish cunts will always be selfish cunts. They may hide it for a while but it creeps back out again eventually.