WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

She can’t do that as someone has to care for her dd and useless fucking shitbag ‘I don’t have time to drive you to the hospital’ won’t.
but I like the idea of giving him a roster of dinner to shop and cook for, lifts to give, appts to attend, hours to be home actively parenting, on it for each day put as an action actively show your children you give a shit about them like a parent should (hint fucking off to a festival when your child is unwell is the opposite- it’s actively showing your child you give not a single shit about them.) and also support your children’s mother to care for the children with practical help and kindness.

if he is autistic, you’ve written it out on the list for him. If he says he doesn’t have time you say you magically had days to go to a festival, if you care for your children even a tiny bit make time. The list is all your tasks, it is not optional.

Miffed?! MIFFED?! I would be incandescent. You'd have to scrape me off the ceiling I'd have exploded with such force.

If you can't show him the consequences for you, do it for your daughters. Show them that this is not how they should expect to be treated. Show your daughter, that when she is vulnerable and ill she is the priority. This isn't a minor bump or scrape - she is seriously, critically ill and if he doesn't prioritise that he doesn't deserve any of you.

If your older kids are in their 20s, I'd be honest with them - they are adults and probably having their own relationships. You don't need to bad mouth their dad - you can just say exactly what happened and that it's unacceptable, and that their sister (and all of you) deserves better.

Best of luck with your wee girl OP, you must be worried sick. Hope this weekend goes well for her and she doesn't end up admitted.

@ThatDeepGoose Don't blame women for men's bad behaviour as your kneejerk first reaction. Next you'll be saying it's his mum's fault! He's a bad father and bad partner, that's not on OP.

Can you imagine one of us mums doing that? No, but I can't imagine my husband, father or brother doing this either. And if my husband had suggested he might go anyway, I'd have told him exactly what I thought of that idea.

He's an absolute shit bag but:
Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go

Why did you say it in a jokey way and say "yes, go if you want". That's all he will have heard and now, as far as he's concerned, you said he could go.
I would have just told him, no, it's not possible. You need to be here to support your DD and the rest of your family because x,y and z will need to be done.

Fucking prick. When he gets back you tell him what's going to happen, what he's going to have to do, such as taking your DD to hospital, taking on more chores at home while you are at hospital with her. Do not say anything like "go if you want" because pricks like that will just use that as a way to do exactly what they want. He's got no fucking conscience at all so no point appealing to it.

I'm really annoyed about this because my friend's daughter is also currently struggling with an eating disorder and is in and out of the hospital so I know from her how draining it is. It's an absolutely awful thing and it needs the whole family to pull together. And no, my friend's husband is not fucking off to the equivalent of Glastonbury where we live, he's doing everything he can to support his family.

That’s horrible for your DD, her dad doesn’t give a shit about her and is letting her mum down to boot.

I think we to put the autism thing to bed. He's not diagnosed. And i don't think it excuses it anyway. We're all ND in this house so I do understand where people are coming from but he knows his daughter is unwell so it doesn't matter what OP said or how he interpreted that.

He knows his daughter is really struggling but his first thought is 'my fun', not 'I need to be there for my daughter'.He shouldn't need told. He is incapable of putting his daughter or his wife, first. Autism or not. There's no excuse.

I know I'd be looking at him, seething, thinking 'What is the fucking point of you.'

I got in through a hole in the fence but that was in 2004 no way you get away with that now.

OP, I think now is the time to REALLY find your anger.

Your husband has neglected you and his daughter and the wider family by selfishly pissing off for at least 4-5 days when you’ve all needed him.

This is unforgivable.

I think you need to stop down-playing how serious things are for your DD to everyone and let me know (all family and friends) what this selfish POS has done.

Then, I would be in LTB territory. He’s proven he’s unreliable, selfish and has no care for others at all so what’s the reason to stay?

He would come home to locks changed, stuff in bin bags on the doorstep and a text saying you’re proceeding with divorce.

Nothing good can come out of staying with him after this. The resentment will always be there plus, he will know he can do what the fuck he likes with zero consequences.

He needs to go.

I hope your DD is able to make a good recovery. He doesn’t deserve any of you.

Everything on mumsnet. The daughter must be on the spectrum too she has an EA as another poster said.

I would have had a hard time not putting something like "oh, didn't you want to visit your daughter in hospital before you went away for the weekend?"

Not that he would have cared.

Shame your kids think it's funny.

Does that als apply to the one in hospital?

OP absolutely can blame him for even wanting to go away for the whole weekend while his daughter is so ill that she is in hospital. Like OP has said, if she had told him not to go, he would have sulked all weekend and taken it out on her.

Posting 'look at me having such a good time, I'm down with the kids, reliving my youth' tone deaf messages is just the final straw.

You are seriously downplaying all of this, probably because he's conditioned you to.

I'm autistic, my DH is ADHD, I'd be fucking livid if he did this and I would chuck him out. No joke. That would finish the relationship for me. He's a shit dad, shit husband, and probably pretty shit person in general. Who the fuck goes to a festival with a seriously ill daughter in hospital and another child needing looking after?

I can't believe how you are joking about this, it's utterly awful behaviour, your bar is on the floor, please raise it and tell him it's over.

"DH, I'm really shocked you thought it was ok to abandon us all when DD is in hospital and this is a time when we needed to pull together as a family and support each other. Instead you've chosen to go off on a whim to a festival, leaving us all and expecting me to manage to look after everyone at a time our family is experiencing crisis.
This behaviour is so unacceptable I can no longer see a future for our marriage. Please make arrangements to live elsewhere after you leave Glastonbury and I'll contact a solicitor on Monday to start our divorce proceedings"

Send it to him and put it on the family WhatsApp. Seriously, you deserve so much better than this.

If he is autistic and you want the marriage to continue I would encourage him to get diagnosed.. the threat the marriage could end has probably made him mask for the past year, it can only last so long. If he is autistic he will most likely take things literally. He asked whether he could still go, you said yes. Saying it “jokingly” is not on his radar you literally said yes- go.

Communication with someone who is ND takes a bit more thought.

im sorry you’re going through this with your DD - hope she gets some decent help and you have some other support

This is shit OP, I am so sorry. I don’t think I could forgive and move past this.
I hate that he asked you if he could go because whatever you had said in response would he used against you. It all just shows a lack of care and consideration to you and DC.

Whilst you tinker around the edges of your dh’s monstrous decision making, and his total indifference, it’s worth looking into the future.

Your dh will ‘get away’ with this no doubt, he has been playing you for a fool long enough to know that. You will remain in denial about how bad things have become, numb to his insidious neglect. You will slowly die on the inside, your soul giving up hope of ever having a better life. You will develop depression and anxiety, a deep seated misery will set in. You will no doubt have lost all of your self respect and confidence so even if you wanted to you - you can’t leave.

By now assuming your dd recovers, she will be in therapy and realise you have enabled the neglect. Not once did you prioritise the damage being done to the dc throughout your lives, instead choosing to look the other way. She might find it very hard to even look at you at this point.

Meanwhile he’ll be doing exactly what he wants, in the way he chooses. You life will lie in tatters and any chance of breaking free long gone.

I am sad for you op, amongst the minimising and humour there has to be a part of you that sees that you and your dd deserve far far better.

How awful dd must feel knowing her dad cares so little as she starves in a hospital bed that he went to a festival. Rather than taking the time to hold her hand, and reassure her and give you the break you need,

Find the strength to make this your red line. For your dd if nothing else. She is learning too much from this toxic dysfunction and it will lead to a life time of misery for her too. Kick him out. Once and for all.

I wanted to add: I send my best wishes for your daughter.

You told him he could go. If he's a bit concrete with his asd, I'm not sure what you expected.

Of course he shouldn't have gone but in his mind he checked with you and you said he could go if he wanted. If you didn't want him to go you should have said that. You really can't blame him.

I truly hope your daughter inproves EDs are horrific.

He wants you to dump him.

I’m autistic. DH is autistic. Neither of us would ever let the other down like this.

Putting aside any (unofficial) diagnosis, the behaviour of this man - that he has chosen to go away to a music festival while his daughter is in hospital with an ED - is extremely concerning.

I've read all OP's comments, and perhaps I've missed it, but I've not seen where the husband has directly been told that he has done a completely thoughtless thing. There are quite a few posts from other PPs about how he should know, etc etc, and, yes, in an ideal world one would not need to spell this out. But, if he is on the autism spectrum - rather than using this putative diagnosis as some kind of excuse/explanation as to why he is being selfish or to even avoid confronting him - please instead communicate to him directly what he is doing wrong. Do not cut him any slack. Tell him. Then you can be in no doubt. And neither can he.

And if he is not on the spectrum he still needs to be told directly. Wish washy communication will not do.

Stop being the competent adult, OP. He needs to step up and support you. He's in his 50s, for goodness sake! Is this man an asset or a liability?

You lose nothing but deadwood if you are up front. So what would be the harm in messaging something along the lines of the following?

eg. [Husband name] I have had some time to reflect, and I am absolutely furious/ beyond disappointed that you chose to go away to Glasto while our daughter is in hospital with a very serious psychiatric condition. This behaviour makes me wonder if you care about her, or about supporting me. You should not have gone to the festival. When you get home we need to have a serious discussion about the future of our marriage.

His response - if it is anything other than horrified at his behaviour, remorseful, and indicating that he's on the next mode of public transport back to you - will tell you all you need to know.

Edited - typos.

OP, I've read most of your comments. YANBU. Your DH sounds like a selfish prick who's never grown up. Time to think seriously if you want him around. Hope your daughter is ok and you have some actual adults around to support you. He's using all the age old tactics to absolve himself from any family responsibility. I'm a single mum...it's great to have the peace of not dealing with immaturity.

He's a cunt.

It's the icing on the cake, the straw that broke the camels back.

What on EARTH?? AND THE BOASTING?!?! Oh, no. No, no, no. I am fuming on your behalf and would absolutely LTB. The audacity?!

I hope your DD makes a full recovery. ED's are terrifying, and I'm sorry she's going through it. And you - be kind to yourself too

My husband used to work on the gates at Glastonbury and without a ticket you will 100% not get in by legitimate means. They have loads of security and even in the unlikely event he does somehow get in, if he's caught without a wrist tag he will be ejected. I used to live and work nearby and the hoards of people milling about outside cos they didn't have tickets and thought they could just walk in or talk their way in or bribe someone, it just doesn't happen, not even minor celebrities cannot get in without a ticket as Alfie Allen found out when up against my husband.

This is the end of your relationship.

Also, you need to get better support for your daughter’s eating disorder. CAHMS & the NHS won’t cut it. She needs specialist help at a specialist treatment centre.

I think you understand how serious this is - but your autistic husband does not - or simply doesn’t care.

You need to find a private placement for your daughter. Your autistic husband can pay for it.

Having read the updates I’m team he already had a ticket. If he’s officially bought it or managed do snaffle a second one from his friends I don’t know, but I’m adamant he pre bought one.

I just wanted to add my DH has autism. He struggles quite badly. Didn’t talk until he was 8, went to a specialist school etc. He wouldn’t do what your DH has done. Autism isn’t an excuse to be a cunt.