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AIBU?

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Original poster

WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

889 replies

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 15:58

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
AnonymousBleep · 27/06/2025 15:56

anytipswelcome · 26/06/2025 21:40

He had a ticket OP, he didn’t sneak his way in!

Yep! It's not been possible to sneak in since the late 90s. I know from experience! We used to sneak in regularly as local-ish teenagers before that.

readytobreakthexbox · 27/06/2025 15:55

Gemmawemma9 · 26/06/2025 16:38

I am gobsmacked at the “well you said he could go!!” Posts! He shouldn’t WANT to fucking go!! How do you care that little about your OWN KID that you fuck off to glasto when she’s seriously ill??
the bar is in fucking hell for these men. I truly honestly despair.

Omg this has perfectly articulated my thoughts too! Why is it even entering his mind to go! Why is it OP's responsibility to gentle-parent him and explain why he 'can't' go? Tbh the mere fact of wanting to and being serious about it would lead me to check out from this marriage. Sending love to you and your DD op! Hope youre getting some support elsewhere!

AnonymousBleep · 27/06/2025 15:54

I really hope he doesn't manage to get into Glastonbury. He doesn't deserve to. What a massive prick.

No, YANBU OP!

Higgledypiggledy864 · 27/06/2025 15:51

LookingAtMyBhunas · 27/06/2025 15:43

He's not autistic ffs. He's just a selfish knob. They do still exist you know.

Show quote history

Well, you sound charming, and certainly like an expert on the topic.
Interestingly though, the OP mentioned daughter is on the ASD assessment pathway. The likelihood of a child having inherited autism from a parent is 80%..

LookingAtMyBhunas · 27/06/2025 15:43

Higgledypiggledy864 · 27/06/2025 14:46

If your husband is autistic you would both likely benefit if he got a diagnosis and tried to find a couples councilor who specializes in neurodiverse relationships. My DH is autistic and prior to diagnosis and us working on our communication this sort of thing would have happened. And he would have intended no harm, simply would have taken what I said very literally. For us, it's been very worth the investment in our relationship.
Also second the poster who mentioned the link between eating disorders and autism regarding your daughter - autism is chronically under diagnosed in women.

Show quote history

He's not autistic ffs. He's just a selfish knob. They do still exist you know.

LookingAtMyBhunas · 27/06/2025 15:41

Ugh I've got the ick from him just reading this!

I really think you should message him privately and tell him this was the final straw and to make the most of Glastonbury as his life as he knows it is ruined when he comes home.

Also agree he definitely had tickets first. It's literally impossible to break in nowadays.

ManchesterGirl2 · 27/06/2025 15:29

I'm sorry about your DD.

after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!”

Your communication style seems pretty frustrating. Why not just be direct and say what you actually mean.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 27/06/2025 15:23

PatriarchyRuinedMyPesto · 27/06/2025 15:20

In the other thread, people are getting in a tizzy about a woman being told off for going on a night out. People are saying that it’s controlling and even abusive. But yet, in this thread when the man is going to Glastonbury this is somehow a massive problem. I don’t understand such hypocrisy and sexism. If the genders were the other way around, and the wife was going to Glasto the husband would be called controlling and “abusive” for even questioning it

Eh? The man who has buggered off to Glasto has gone off and left his wife to deal with a seriously ill daughter who is in and out of hospital.
A woman who has gone for a few drinks after work, come home a bit tipsy and id bring ignored for it is not in the same ballpark.
The whole point of the Glastonbury thread is that the OP has been left to look after a seriously ill daughter, other kids, and the husband is posting pics of himself at the festival without a care in the world.

CustardySergeant · 27/06/2025 15:20

WitchesCauldron · 27/06/2025 15:17

His chances of getting into Glasto is nada. So console yourself with that thought.

Show quote history

He has got in. Probably had a ticket all the time

PatriarchyRuinedMyPesto · 27/06/2025 15:20

In the other thread, people are getting in a tizzy about a woman being told off for going on a night out. People are saying that it’s controlling and even abusive. But yet, in this thread when the man is going to Glastonbury this is somehow a massive problem. I don’t understand such hypocrisy and sexism. If the genders were the other way around, and the wife was going to Glasto the husband would be called controlling and “abusive” for even questioning it

WitchesCauldron · 27/06/2025 15:17

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 15:58

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

His chances of getting into Glasto is nada. So console yourself with that thought.

CremeEggThief · 27/06/2025 15:11

I haven't got the time or energy to read this whole thread, but it's as simple as either you choose to forgive him for this or ... not.
I have to say I wonder what good points he actually has, if he thinks this is an okay way to behave, but that's my take.

Moaning about him to a bunch of strangers isn't going to help either you or DD in the long run.

Higgledypiggledy864 · 27/06/2025 14:46

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 15:58

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

If your husband is autistic you would both likely benefit if he got a diagnosis and tried to find a couples councilor who specializes in neurodiverse relationships. My DH is autistic and prior to diagnosis and us working on our communication this sort of thing would have happened. And he would have intended no harm, simply would have taken what I said very literally. For us, it's been very worth the investment in our relationship.
Also second the poster who mentioned the link between eating disorders and autism regarding your daughter - autism is chronically under diagnosed in women.

Frazzled83 · 27/06/2025 13:41

Firstly, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I was anorexic as a teen and just to give you hope I’m now I’m my 40s, fully recovered and have two beautiful (if slightly insane) children. Caitlin Moran had written beautifully about her experiences with her own anorexic daughter in her book more than a woman and I recommend giving it a read. I would also flag that autism is highly genetic and many MANY undiagnosed neurodivergent girls develop eating disorders as a way to cope (this was also me!) so was wondering if this could be relevant for your daughter?

As for husband - yea, absolutely a ridiculous thing to do. However, if he’s autistic and struggles with social communication… you did say he could go. You need to tell him what you want him to do VERY CLEARLY without sarcasm. Be concrete and be direct. He will have 100% just heard ‘yeah, you can go’. So he’s gone. This isn’t about either of you being wrong, but you need to communicate really clearly to avoid things like this in the future. Assuming he’s not some emotionally abusive arsehole, he won’t have done this to be hurtful & will be totally bewildered why you’re angry with him.

LondonFox · 27/06/2025 12:58

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 21:14

Except dh hasn’t actually been shouldering any of the stress. I have.

I know I’d like to fuck off to a spa for the weekend but I wouldn’t even consider it atm - that’s (one of) the differences between him and I.

Show quote history

If you even suspect autism - treat him like he has one.
Can I go? NO. Your child needs to see you care about her health.

Give clear and specific instructions or he will not be able to follow. Tbh most men benefit from toddler talk 🫠
Yes some are better at reading between the lines but even them would not mind clear direction and specification.

And I am so sorry for your DD.
Family situation can trigger a lot and having dad fucking off is not excusable. In the best possible way, get him in line if you want DD to recover. He needs to put himself second to help her through now.
I am a bit surprised you are discussing how he may react to your wa messages in chat while he is not there holding her hand.
I'd come on that as a shitton of bricks.

Good luck, it is not easy but be fierce for your child ❤️

Mrsbloggz · 27/06/2025 12:49

Some men are interested in having children because they genuinely want to be parents.
Other men are interested in having children because children will occupy the woman's time and attention allowing him to focus on working everything to his advantage. Because he will be much less emotionally attached to the children than she is they become a useful tool with which he can control her. If the child is suffering she will be much more upset and stressed than he is. That makes her vulnerable and easy to manipulate.
It's all about working things to his advantage, making sure that she is the one who makes the sacrifices, does the stressful, unpaid, difficult work whilst he takes the credit for being the man of the House.

InSpainTheRain · 27/06/2025 12:48

Two things are amazing me: firstly that he's gone when his DD is in hospital and you and the rest of the family really need him, secondly that you told him he could go. Perhaps because you said he could go he didn't realise how serious it is? That's the only redeeming thing I can think for him. But he's a bellend and I'd be furious with him.

whitewineandsun · 27/06/2025 12:44

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 16:17

I guess I expected him to act like a normal human being and not go bc he felt too guilty.

It wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to go in these circs - even if I’d paid for a ticket.

Show quote history

This is not how men like him work. The kind of man who would fuck off like this. He'll see it as 'permission.'

What you now know, though, is that you can't count on him. It's useful information and allows you to plan accordingly.

Mrsbloggz · 27/06/2025 12:36

Stop hoping that he will turn into a kind empathic person, stop trying to explain yourself to him or reason with him, it will all be water off a ducks back.
He is like this because his life is much easier if he doesn't have to think about other people's wants and feelings.
I find the best solution is to treat them exactly as they treat you, i.e show him the same lack of empathy and concern that he shows you.

Eviebeans · 27/06/2025 12:06

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 16:19

Yes, you’re absolutely right. Dd is extremely sensitive to other people’s moods etc. I guess I wondered if dh is the selfish kind of autistic where he’s so hyper focussed on himself he forgets everything else.

Show quote history

Maybe he’s just plain selfish

IdLikeABackMassage · 27/06/2025 11:57

So this prince of a man has at least 4 dc?

OP please, if you haven't already, explain to them - as tactfully as necessary - what real responsibility looks like and encourage them not to use their dad as an example of how to be.

Panama2 · 27/06/2025 11:52

Are you sure the friend didn’t actually have tickets and it was a little more planned then your DH has made it seem?

OneNewLeader · 27/06/2025 11:45

You knew he’d go. This is who he is.
Look after your daughter, don’t expend energy on auditing what you already know about your husband.

Tontostitis · 27/06/2025 11:10

Hopetheportaloosareminging · 26/06/2025 21:25

I would do this but he’d probably use it as ammo of how “petty” I am and ruining his fun.
I think he started it anyway so I can’t 😡

Show quote history

What I'm finding hard reading through all this is how well he has trained you to put him first and expect so little from him. You are worried about being petty so try not to show normal reactions. You make a sarcastic or actually from a place of pain 'do what you want comment' and somehow it's permission to go. The end result is you are always in the wrong. You can't be honest on the family chat because why? It might make him look bad? Might show your struggling daughter what standing up for yourself really looks like? You are carrying the whole burden of the family and this pathetic man child and need to stop. He left your 16 year old at home whilst gus distressed wife was in hospital with seriously ill daughter. Lied about having tickets and went to a festival as if he's the 16 year old. Call his behaviour out and give your children a lesson in boundaries.

Whatafustercluck · 27/06/2025 11:01

- Why aren't you angry?

  • Your only mistake was in joking about it when he asked. "No, dd is in hospital, we have another child, I would like you around supporting us all at this time."
  • Many autistic people are very capable of empathy. Your h is a dick and there's no excuse.