WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

I read post after post on Mumsnet about appalling, terrible, awful men. Disgraces to humanity. Cruel, selfish, miserly, sociopathic. Just unbelievably terrible. And I think to myself, well at least I wasn’t anything as bad as that in my marriage.

and then I remember that they’re still married and I’m not. :)

It gets to the stage that the good points become irrelevant. You and the children are the most important people in the picture and not Mr selfish.

I voted you are B U because of this. Why would you say it in a jokey fashion, when you should have said FFS, don't you care that your child is in hospital, of course you can't go! Or words to that effect. Sorry OP, but you brought this one on yourself. Why do so many women expect men to mind read their minds. I'm a woman, and it's people who say the opposite of what they actually mean/want that that has led men, when accused of rape, to saying things like, 'well she said no, but she giggled, so I thought she meant yes, your honour'. If you mean YES, say YES! If you mean NO, then say NO! Men can be bloody thick and selfish at the best of times, without you giving them mixed signals.

@Hopetheportaloosareminging I'm confused.

DH fucking off to Glastonbury would suggest that he is a young man, no older than 23. So how does he have teenage children?

A lot! My DH has just been diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. He’s always masked and had a breakdown a few years ago. He’s not the person I married at all and it’s been a struggle. Therapy and a diagnosis has helped hugely.

I think he had tickets already

Ah give over !

Well obviously LTB. And I wonder, have the middle aged losers he’s gone with, also left wives with children at home. 🤢

It pathetic isn’t it. They rarely fail to live down to low standards.

My husband would not leave the hospital if that was his daughter. We have been married for 37 years and his never wavering loyalty to me and the kids is a beautiful thing.

Indeed.
My ASD exH failed to come and look after his ASD Dd last year when her big brother was extremely ill (went into A&E and suddenly in High Needs in heart failure). Not because he is ASD, because he is a selfish git.

OP, I'm sorry that you have this level of support in your life. I too married someone who seemed 'good enough' to have children with. Turned out not to be. Neither Dd nor I will ever quite trust him again.

The number of people in the last few pages who seem to think they're experts on autism yet aren't capable of simple reading comprehension...

SOME people with autism take things literally
Taking things literally does NOT necessarily mean how people in here seem to think it does (ie being incapable of thinking)
Autism is a HUGELY varied condition
The OP has said, several times, that her husband is capable of recognising sarcasm, and had already understood the nuance - by commenting on a way to push her to give or deny permission - AND that she had told him that his choice would be on his conscience..

Please, stop talking about adults as though they have the mental skills of a three year old. We walk among you! It's called a spectrum for a reason!

Any update? Did he ever message you OP? He has been massively inconsiderate, selfish and self important… I think you should tell him you are going on a spa break for 3 days with a friend who you haven’t seen in 20 years. Don’t make it a discussion just mention it and then leave. Let him see what it’s like. Leave him the list of things he needs to do if he’s so out of the parenting loop that he can’t work it out for himself. If he even remotely complains just say “You did the exact same thing, it’s my turn. Bye!”

I think yabu. If you think he's autistic then you must realise he needs stuff spelling out to him. So if you wanted him to stay with you you should have said that.

I agree, if my daughter even has the flu i worry. Child in hospital dad at Glastonbury what an absolute cunt. A 5 year old is more caring than him.

I'd observe how your daughter does over the next few days with him away. Does his absence improve her eating? I wonder how his stress impacts her. That gives you data for whether you're better together or better separating.

I wonder if he doesn't understand the seriousness of an eating disorder requiring hospital admission. Also wonder if he's so stressed by that and other bits of life that he feels he must 'escape' for a few days.

This is awful. I would block him so you cant see his ridiculous, living like a single man messages. What do your kids think about this? Your DD at least must feel like a complete irrelevance to him 😞

Fuck all to do with if he had a ticket or not. His daughter was hospitalised due to an eating disorder. He is a Grade A cunt to prioritise a festival over her physical and emotional needs.

I do think you need to have a serious conversation about where you and your children rate on his list of priorities. But only if you think this relationship is worth working on -

Make it simple, write down your name, your kids names, his work, your home, his hobbies, on bits of paper and have him put them in order, nowhere to hide with something like that. That you have to point this out like he's a child truly irritates me.

You asked wyb "miffed" - I'd be furious, disappointed, raging. Left the 16 year old at home on his own too; what if you'd needed something? Your DH knows he's f'd up, with just keeping in touch by texts/WhatsApp. Stuff like this you should have another adult to bounce off, to give opinions, to share the distress and worry. I wish you and your DD well, and happy.

You mentioned a van OP - I'd be packing his stuff and popping it in there for his return.......... You're a more patient woman than me.

YABU if he had tickets
YANBU as he doesn’t have tickets

You are definitely not being unreasonable, it sounds like you're going through a complex situation,and I would be just as upset,but I have learned not to joke about giving them the green light if I really don't want them to and needed them home,as he has taken it literally. It sounds like it’s the small things that you want from him, like a text or a phone call to let you know he's there with you; if not physically, being compassionate and empathetic because you do say he is a good Dad. In my humble opinion, better communication helps. It’s not really a "Mum can't do that," it’s that most mamas wouldn't do that in this situation because we worry about everything and everyone ♥️

He's a horror and you should set some firm boundaries and stick to them OP, up to and including leaving if he can't shape up. The whole autism piece is a red herring (I'm autistic BTW and I'd never ever do this, my son is also autistic and a selfish teenager and he also wouldn't do this). He might just he an arsehole, and if he is autistic, well autism isn't a get out of jail free card for being a shitbag.

My marriage with him would be over. He's told you where you and your daughter lie on his priority list and it's below a music festival.

What an arsehole. LTB!

it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too

I’ve only just noticed this bit. Obviously their daughter's illness is the most important issue but this is also pretty thoughtless.

And all the posters advocating that he is simply unable to see this as OP does, she did say, as @Loley22 mentioned above, that he'd been much better in the past year since they'd had a severe wobble. Doesn't sound like someone that simply doesn't get it, to me, if he's been able to respond with empathy in the meantime.