WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

I was following the thread from the beginning - just hoping you're okay OP, and that your daughter is doing a bit better, at least. It must be a long road - I hope things are starting to look up.

No need to reply, just wanted to say that. 💐

I think we need to give OP some space. She’s got a seriously ill teenage daughter and a selfish, delusional, manipulative, bastard of a husband to deal with. She doesn’t need to cope with us squabbling over the imaginary MH diagnosis of some bloke we have never met like a flock of bloody seagulls fighting over a packet of crisps. This is her very real life, not the latest resurrection of Neighbours or East Enders. She doesn’t owe us entertainment. Get back to your
own world.

Not necessarily
I've done lots of voluntary work because my empathy & compassion, have always drawn me to helping others & I'm on the autistic spectrum myself too
We can't make sweeping statements, one size doesn't fit all & it's narrow minded to believe in stereo types
💚

Has he returned with his tail between his legs yet?

How’s it been since he has returned?

It's not a lack of empathy, it's you saying 'yes you can go' when you don't actually mean 'yes you can go'. This is why autistic people often struggle so much, because people say one thing and expect them to know that they mean the complete other. How is he to know you'd prefer it if he sat at home 'just in case' as he couldn't possibly know that the routine appointment was going to turn into something more.

OP didn’t say “yes you can go”, she told him to go if he wanted. And wanting to go in these circumstances is an issue and what shows the lack of empathy (there’s also the issue of him even asking the question). It wasn’t a routine appointment. It was a hospital ward review for a patient who has been in and out with an escalating eating disorder. Eating disorders are life threatening and his DD is in a worrying position.

@Hopetheportaloosareminging

any updates on how your DD is doing? i hope she's alright, i know how damaging & traumatic EDs can be not just for those who experience them, but their loved ones too x

and much less importantly, any updates on where the fuck your 'D'H is?

Especially if he is autistic and sees things in black and white, like OP says he does. Still hard to believe he'd want to though, with his daughter so unwell

She didn't say go with my blessing. She said I can't stop you ... if your conscience allows you.

Even if he took that as "permission" it's pretty likely he's lied for months about this and had a ticket rather than risk being caught breaking in, which the festival have clamped down on.

Whatever she said about going /not going... he still knew his daughter was ill enough to be hospitalised and that there was another teen left home alone whilst the mum was running between hospital and home. He knew those facts.

But he, the man described as holding down an important job, has not factored in his sick daughter at all. That is not a lack of "empathy". That's a selfish decision not to bother about anyone else. Ignoring facts that don't fit in with his wishes. It's pretty weak whining "Oh but you said i could go, (ie, its all your fault, nothing to do with me. I've got a good excuse so don't even bother telling me how difficult it was when I was away) As if its still not his problem and he has no need to apologise, because it was all the wife's fault for saying he could go.

Even if she'd said outright. No! Don't go He would have found another excuse to go. He probably would have admitted having a costly ticket. I imagine faced with this crap show, its better of the unwilling person goes, rather than unhelpfully sulking and complaining that they are missing out and adding to the burden.

I also meant to add that his photos and the whole Glastonbury thing are to “Show” an image of him as a hip and happening cool guy instead of the reality - the empty shell of a man that he is. Just like his family is there to tick a box and project an image he feels he needs to portray too. He’s not part of anything really…. He’s empty and dead inside. As disconnected to what’s happening around him at Glastonbury as he is to his lovely wife and daughter.

How are things @Hopetheportaloosareminging ?

Nah I have both and I'm niether of those things

Yes with this grandiose sense of self I'm wondering if this reads more like some sort of mania or narcissism than autism. Not that any of us can or should try to diagnose.

I hope you are your daughter are doing OK, OP. I agree with you, the whole thing hangs to together a lot better if he'd already bought the ticket and was lying about it. But what a completely bizarre thing to lie about, especially in the circumstances. Serious main character complex, that I'm sure impacts on all the rest of you. Your son sounds lovely.

A complete narcissist you mean? The post just below yours nails it.

This man has been living in the house that OP has been maintaining, utterly disconnected from her and the kids she raised, working away on his computer, so completely full of his own self-importance that he was not only able to justify going away to Glasto while his wife was trying to save his kid’s life (again) in hospital as a well-earned break, he shared photos with his kids. This isn’t autism. It’s narcissism. It’s cold, entitled, detached, dismissive, callous and cruel.

It’s a thing with autism and ADHD. I’m the same

OP I’ve only just found this thread, and have read most of it. I just wanted to ask how you and your daughter are doing? Did you asshole of a husband ever start asking after her?

Is he due home today? Good luck with the conversation - don’t let him gaslight you into thinking it was your fault he went! All he thought about was what HE wanted - but as a parent, your wants have to go on the back burner at times. When your child is in hospital that is one of those times.

ironically, if he had bought a ticket already (like you suspect) that might have actually made you more sympathetic to him going so as not to have wasted the money! But maybe he should have compromised and said he’d like to go for 1 day to see his favourite act, and then he could have actually given you a break from hospital duty, from cooking duty, from being the responsible adult….

Can people please stop saying he is probably autistic.

Nothing the OP has said indicates at all that he meets the criteria within the triad of impairments, experiences significant disability or that any of this has been lifelong.

He's just an arsehole.

The OP said she thinks he might be, and that's excusable because when your partner turns into a fucking selfish prick it's normal to ask yourself why is this happening, and try and find excuses.

This guy is just a self centred, lying, manipulative, uncaring arsehole. That's all there is to it.

I don’t think “bribing someone to get in to Glasto” is a thing these days. Tickets are for named person only and have your photo on, which they check against your ID on entry. In my case they were particularly thorough as the photo I used for the ticket was a bad one and my driving licence one looks quite different - it was a whole thing explaining this.

Sounds more like he always had a ticket and was always going to go. Which makes him a complete prick, in the circumstances.

No, a few of us have been saying the same thing.

i suspect most of the people trying to defend the husband are, on the whole, not autistic themselves.

I hope that your daughter's health is improving.
You said to your husband " I can't stop you, go if you want". If he's autistic, he might not understand the subtley here. It would have been better when he said " Oh I can't go to the festival now " to have said " No, our daughter is very ill, I need your help and support".

Relationships are about give and take. Not the husband having to sacrifice his entire identity.

If his entire identity is tied up with going to Glastonbury without a ticket while his very ill daughter is in hospital then i feel very sorry for him.

YANBU Op. I wish you and your daughter all the best.

I did change my mind. The ongoing lack of care or concern or check ins to see how their daughter was doing was the clincher.

Why bother ? Much easier to bang in with an uninformed pejorative comment.
🙄

I would recommend you read all of the OP's posts, I'd be interested to know if it changes your opinion.