I have a long standing friend who lives in my hometown, and who is very into her nights out. Whenever I go home for the weekend, she’s always very keen for us to go out. I do enjoy it, but I can’t catch up with her every time I visit - I want time with my family, especially as my sister now has two children who love to see. Friend can sometimes get a bit sniffy if I am in town and don’t make arrangements with her, but ultimately the family is my priority. She lives on the other side of town to my parents, so we can’t really just pop out for a coffee - although I suspect she wouldn’t want that rather than a night out anyway.
Anyway, my mum is having a hip replacement operation soon. It’s her second one, and last time I went to stay for a week to help out. She was in hospital longer than expected and is thinking the same might happen this time. As such, she has asked me not to come while she’s in hospital, but if I wouldn’t mind coming up afterwards instead, as I can be of more help once she’s home. I said that was fine; whatever she wanted.
My friend messaged yesterday saying “It’s your mum’s op next week, isn’t it? Let me know if it all gets a bit too much and you want to escape for a few drinks!” I said thanks, but explained I wouldn’t be coming up until afterwards. Friend replied saying, “Oh, I bet she wants you there really. You should come up anyway. Your mum will appreciate it”. I explained again that this was what she wanted, and that I agreed it made sense, as it means my dad can go back to work (I can WFH and he can’t).
She doesn’t give up. Next it was “But I’m sure it would still help to have you there, and your dad will appreciate the company if he’s all on his own while your mum’s in hospital - and she’ll be glad about that, seeing as she seems to be a worrier! Anyway, let me know and if you want to meet up.”
I’m now feeling really annoyed. First of all, she barely knows my mum, so the “seems to be a worrier” comment and the suggestion I didn’t know what she wanted felt rude. I know my mum inside out - if she was doing the whole “Don’t feel you have to come up” routine, I’d have spotted it a mile off. She was asking me to come when it would help her most, and it made perfect sense. Secondly, if friend is so concerned for my poor old dad on his own, surely I should be staying in with him and not going out drinking with her?
I feel like she is only really bothered about having a drinking buddy and not about me in my own right. Her “concern” for my mum is all about whether I’ll be around for trips to the pub rather than for her. I’m not expecting her to mount a bedside vigil, but I feel like a real friend would have actually asked how she’s doing and, when I explained why I wasn’t coming yet, have been understanding. I’m not planning a holiday or party trip!
I feel like not even bothering to get in touch when I DO go up. WWYD?