Friend making my mum’s operation about her!

I was thinking that too. I don’t see why it’s important OP “understands the difference”. You’re splitting hairs.

OP, she sounds totally wrapped up in herself and has no interest in you or your mum.

I’d either just ignore her or tell it to her straight. I’d possibly dress it up as being half jokey, but I’d get the message across.

“oi Betty, get another drinking buddy. I’m coming to look after my mum, at a time that suits my mum. It’s not about you.”

Good luck for your mums op.

I’d send “😂😂 how desperate are you for a night out? Mum definitely wants me there to help when she’s out of hospital rather than next week but nice try.”

Just stop responding to her. I sometimes don't tell my school friend when I go home, family is more important and they like to organise stuff for me/with me.

It's so par for the course. The converse is also true. You offer to do something for someone and they suspect you are doing it for your own benefit. Those are the people I suspect are huge CFs themselves.

Either she loves your company so much it's turned her thought process into tunnel vision and she's doing WHATEVER it takes to see you, or she's really, really lonely and desperate, which is rather sad, or she's just a self-centred, bossy arse.

Either way, I'd give it a few days and just keep to the point "As I said, I'm coming on such and such date and will be supporting my parents, I'll let you know when I'm next in town and have more free time". I'd be annoyed about how annoying she is being for a bit and then dump it, it's not worth it.

whatever its called this is selfish behaviour. I'd definitely stop responding for now and think about how much of a friend this "friend" actually is.

I wouldn’t get in touch at all unless you actually want to see her. This isn’t a social visit and you’ll be working as well as caring for your mum. If she persists just be firm and honest that you aren’t coming out and your parents are your priority.

Wishing your mother well for a swift recovery.

I hate people trying to persuade me to do what they want with manipulation tactics like this.

I wouldn't be contacting her when I'm up.

It's sad because the friendship clearly means more to her than you but it's for selfish reasons on her part.

Chill

I pressed through wrong butt9n she is the unreasonable one u hope your mum's surgery goes well tell your friend straight i am coming to care for my mum while dad's at work and I also have wfh work to so unable to go out drinking if she gets hobby block her that's not a friend

OPs reactions to your weird posts are completely normal. It's you that's over-reacting here.

Is there any reason why you can’t write back that “this is the plan with your parents, thanks for your concern but it’s not up for discussion.”

or, “i’d rather not discuss my mother’s recovery plans .”

Step away from the screen for a minute and touch some grass lovely, the Internet shouldn't be frustrating you this much x

I'd just stop engaging with her about it & message that I'm coming after Mum's op and she (mother) is my focus on this trip. Then ignore her comments.

Literally the only person I’ve ever blocked on fb just totally failed to realise I wasn’t going to spend my holiday time visiting him in his country (I was married with young dc, so not a romance!) I realised I felt self conscious about appearing in photos elsewhere in France where I have actual family and he’s be like ‘you should come over to x and see me!’ X is on the far side of France to my family… and I don’t even like you that much, so no.

@BettyCrockerClinic I think you're spot on and I’d respond with “mums not a worrier, I’m not sure why you’d think that? It’s highly unlikely I’ll be able to see you when I am up but thanks for thinking of us.”
and the not see her for a few trips.

I would ignore her for a while, I def wouldn’t want to meet up this time. If she messaged while you were there and it didn’t start with a genuine how is your mum, I’d send something very snippy. ‘Why thanks for asking after my mum. She’s doing as well as can be expected, I’m visiting at the moment to support her so won’t be able to meet up. Well, I could do a quick lunch or coffee but we both know you don’t actually want to meet me for lunch or coffee’

This. Have seen it time and again.

Tell her you've gone teetotal, you won't see her for dust...

And I hope your Mum has a good op and a smooth recovery! 🙂

I would just ignore her messages for a while.
I can't stand people like this who can't take no for an answer.
No, you're not coming up until after the operation because you and your mum have decided that's the best time for you to be there.
The End.

I find that if you have to start "explaining" things (you've used "I explained" a couple of times) it usually means you are dealing with someone who is a bit of pain. You're not really "explaining" as such, you're having to "justify" your choices which involves an explanation.
You don't have to justify anything at all. This is what's happening. Full stop.

I also agree with the other poster that she's using your Mum's operation as a way of trying to force you into doing what she wants you to do, ie. go on nights out with her and spend lots of time with her when you are in your hometown. The fact that she hasn't just accepted what you've said shows it's manipulative. All she had to say was "Fair enough. If you have time let's have a catch up when you're here, but if you're too busy with your mum no worries. Oh and do let me know if I can do anything to help"

I had to fade out a friend like this who moved away to another city and then started this sort of behaviour, insisting on me coming to see her once a month and getting offended when I said I didn't have time. She started posting stuff on my social media if I dared to post anything else (like a poster for a concert I was playing in). "Oh I see you have time for that but no time to visit me". I just changed my social media settings on facebook and gradually faded her out on WhatsApp. I maybe should have just told her straight up but she's a difficult person and sometimes a slow fade works better.

In your case I'd just gradually increase the time between replying and certainly not reply now to the latest thing she has sent.

She sounds like an alcoholic!

Your friend has decided there's something she wants from you, she's being manipulative, and she's prepared to use your Mum's situation to get it. I couldn't get past that.

You.

That's so selfish. I would back away from her. Say sorry you are quiet but you are busy with work and your family at the moment.

Well it's because you can't see what she's doing to you that you've said that. You came here for advice, and you've got some. It's not my fault you don't like it, but if this is how you react then you and your friend sound like you are a good match.