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Original poster

Friend making my mum’s operation about her!

58 replies

BettyCrockerClinic · 26/06/2025 09:21

I have a long standing friend who lives in my hometown, and who is very into her nights out. Whenever I go home for the weekend, she’s always very keen for us to go out. I do enjoy it, but I can’t catch up with her every time I visit - I want time with my family, especially as my sister now has two children who love to see. Friend can sometimes get a bit sniffy if I am in town and don’t make arrangements with her, but ultimately the family is my priority. She lives on the other side of town to my parents, so we can’t really just pop out for a coffee - although I suspect she wouldn’t want that rather than a night out anyway.

Anyway, my mum is having a hip replacement operation soon. It’s her second one, and last time I went to stay for a week to help out. She was in hospital longer than expected and is thinking the same might happen this time. As such, she has asked me not to come while she’s in hospital, but if I wouldn’t mind coming up afterwards instead, as I can be of more help once she’s home. I said that was fine; whatever she wanted.

My friend messaged yesterday saying “It’s your mum’s op next week, isn’t it? Let me know if it all gets a bit too much and you want to escape for a few drinks!” I said thanks, but explained I wouldn’t be coming up until afterwards. Friend replied saying, “Oh, I bet she wants you there really. You should come up anyway. Your mum will appreciate it”. I explained again that this was what she wanted, and that I agreed it made sense, as it means my dad can go back to work (I can WFH and he can’t).

She doesn’t give up. Next it was “But I’m sure it would still help to have you there, and your dad will appreciate the company if he’s all on his own while your mum’s in hospital - and she’ll be glad about that, seeing as she seems to be a worrier! Anyway, let me know and if you want to meet up.”

I’m now feeling really annoyed. First of all, she barely knows my mum, so the “seems to be a worrier” comment and the suggestion I didn’t know what she wanted felt rude. I know my mum inside out - if she was doing the whole “Don’t feel you have to come up” routine, I’d have spotted it a mile off. She was asking me to come when it would help her most, and it made perfect sense. Secondly, if friend is so concerned for my poor old dad on his own, surely I should be staying in with him and not going out drinking with her?

I feel like she is only really bothered about having a drinking buddy and not about me in my own right. Her “concern” for my mum is all about whether I’ll be around for trips to the pub rather than for her. I’m not expecting her to mount a bedside vigil, but I feel like a real friend would have actually asked how she’s doing and, when I explained why I wasn’t coming yet, have been understanding. I’m not planning a holiday or party trip!

I feel like not even bothering to get in touch when I DO go up. WWYD?

OP posts:
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Rabbitsockpeony · 27/06/2025 07:19

goingroundthebendatthisrate · 26/06/2025 10:26

Well it's because you can't see what she's doing to you that you've said that. You came here for advice, and you've got some. It's not my fault you don't like it, but if this is how you react then you and your friend sound like you are a good match.

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For Christ’s sake. 🙄

Foodylicious · 26/06/2025 20:16

'I've stuff on X weekend.
I'll be spending (the next) X weekend with mum
I'll let you know when I'm up again in August.
Take care'

Trishyb10 · 26/06/2025 18:12

She,s emotionally manipulative and maybe a narcissist, all about her, wonder what would happen if you needed help and assistance, would she be there for you,probably not,its all about her, get rid x

SparklyGlitterballs · 26/06/2025 16:10

"Anyway, let me know and if you want to meet up.”

I'd reply: "I've let you know twice now what the situation is Susan, but you don't seem to be listening. For the third and final time, I'm coming up after the op and will be spending my time looking after my mum. I won't have opportunity to meet up on this occasion, so please don't keep pushing the point."

Tough shit if it upsets her.

Greenvases · 26/06/2025 16:09

Just stop replying to her.
She can text you but you don't have to reply, explain or get into it at all.
Be busy, and unavailable.

Original poster
BettyCrockerClinic · 26/06/2025 16:06

spoonbillstretford · 26/06/2025 16:02

She does sound self-centred, but can't you go out actually when you come down to help your mum? Surely you won't need to be in with her every night, it's a routine hip operation and she's a grown woman.

I can - and if my friend had said “Ah, okay - let’s try to catch up when you do come up” there wouldn’t have been a problem. It’s the fact that she was trying to emotionally blackmail me into changing my plans suit her needs.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 26/06/2025 16:04

BettyCrockerClinic · 26/06/2025 15:52

It wouldn’t though, because then when it came to the time of the operation she’d have messaged me again. I set the expectation that I wasn’t going to be there.

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Then the follow up would be, I’m not there at the moment, I’ll contact you if I want a night out when I’m there.

None of it need a 3 hour conversation where you explain yourself.

spoonbillstretford · 26/06/2025 16:02

She does sound self-centred, but can't you go out actually when you come down to help your mum? Surely you won't need to be in with her every night, it's a routine hip operation and she's a grown woman.

Greenvases · 26/06/2025 16:02

Stop answering her multiple questions.
Give a thumbs up and focus on your mother.

I can well imagine your mother would appreciate your support after the operation as being of most value.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 26/06/2025 15:59

I would just say, "sorry but I wouldn't make any plans around me based on how poorly mum was after her last op. I will need to be home 24x7 to help with personal care so won't be going out or drinking at home for that matter as I won't hear her bell. Next time !"

5iveteas · 26/06/2025 15:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
BettyCrockerClinic · 26/06/2025 15:54

Jollyhockeystickss · 26/06/2025 14:03

Maybe as shes your friend she just wants to see you, when she finally has enough and you dont hear from her you will be moaning again....

So her desire to see me trumps me helping my mother recover after an operation?

OP posts:
Original poster
BettyCrockerClinic · 26/06/2025 15:52

Shatteredallthetimelately · 26/06/2025 14:09

My friend messaged yesterday saying “It’s your mum’s op next week, isn’t it? Let me know if it all gets a bit too much and you want to escape for a few drinks!”

Thanks, will do.

That would have given her all the information needed without getting into a conversation.

It wouldn’t though, because then when it came to the time of the operation she’d have messaged me again. I set the expectation that I wasn’t going to be there.

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 26/06/2025 14:51

I bet I can guess how many times she has bothered to come and see you..

Topseyt123 · 26/06/2025 14:39

tempname1234 · 26/06/2025 11:13

Is there any reason why you can’t write back that “this is the plan with your parents, thanks for your concern but it’s not up for discussion.”

or, “i’d rather not discuss my mother’s recovery plans .”

This would be my preferred approach too.

It is succinct and should get the message across. If it cools the friendship then so be it. You will be there as your Mum comes out of hospital in order to focus on supporting her recovery, not to go out drinking and socialising with friend.

I'd stop telling friend anything about when you will be in the area at the moment, or putting it up anywhere she might see it. Then you won't leave yourself open to these ambushes by her and are more likely to be left in peace with your parents. It would also leave you in control and if you did find yourself with a spare couple of hours you could give friend a call and offer to meet up for a coffee (making clear that it could be nothing more at this point). Her reaction to that would tell you all you need to know about her.

overthehillsandverynear · 26/06/2025 14:10

It did lessen and get easier, but over time for me, OP. I had to be firm at times and not budge. Both have since moved to other towns and I am still in touch/friendly with them.
I think it can be particularly tricky with old friends! I think it's probably common to feel we have to make allowances for old friends that we would be less likely to in new ones!

Shatteredallthetimelately · 26/06/2025 14:09

My friend messaged yesterday saying “It’s your mum’s op next week, isn’t it? Let me know if it all gets a bit too much and you want to escape for a few drinks!”

Thanks, will do.

That would have given her all the information needed without getting into a conversation.

Jollyhockeystickss · 26/06/2025 14:03

Maybe as shes your friend she just wants to see you, when she finally has enough and you dont hear from her you will be moaning again....

Original poster
BettyCrockerClinic · 26/06/2025 13:34

overthehillsandverynear · 26/06/2025 13:06

OP have you been friends with her since you were very young? I have two old friends who were like this for years whenever I visited my home town after moving away - one really, really persistently - I think sometimes it's a case of them wanting to indulge nostalgia and to feel that things haven't changed? And as others have said, perhaps she's lonely and struggling to make new friends. I once went to my parents for two nights to look after their pets when my mum had a planned procedure at a specialist hospital over 100 miles away, and my most persistent friend pretty much decided I wanted to see her for the whole two days and was quite difficult to shake off (I was happy to meet for a coffee, but had planned to relax alone and also do coursework). The other was quite miffed once when I didn't jump for joy at the activities she'd planned for us for the whole of a Saturday (without discussing with me first). You just have to stick to your boundaries!

This could have been written about her! It’s like she still thinks of me as being home from university for a bit; where my parents’ home was still my home and I’d just go out whenever. It’s different now. Of course my parents never mind if I want to see friends too while I’m visiting them, but I want to make time for them; for my wider family.

I suppose I feel a bit guilty because if I had a friend in Manchester or Liverpool (for example) I wouldn’t go there for the weekend without visiting them. But it’s not the same; I’m up in my hometown reasonably regularly, so it’s not like she doesn’t see me from one year to the next.

OP posts:
treesandsun · 26/06/2025 13:25

What does she do for her social life when you're not there - does she have one or does she only get out when you're there? I would feel a little sorry for her if it is the latter but your reason for visiting is to help your mum and not to accommodate your friend. How does she know about your mum's op? I wouldn't say anything to her about plans to visit in the future and wait till you're there and if you then fancy seeing her - can message and see if she is available.

FreebieWallopFridge · 26/06/2025 13:20

This is what she asked you “Anyway, let me know and if you want to meet up.”

just reply to say “I already have. I said no. Please stop asking me.”

Allthings · 26/06/2025 13:11

What you will be doing is none of her business. Assuming you don’t want to meet up in any shape or form just tell that you don’t know when you will be there and when you are, you are not planning on meet ups with anyone (as this will be family time only).

Viviennemary · 26/06/2025 13:10

Your pal is far far too bossy. It's really annoying when folk want you to do what they want and if you don't you're the awkward one. In your shoes I would step back a bit from the friendship. Just say sorry the plans are already made and won't be changing.

overthehillsandverynear · 26/06/2025 13:06

OP have you been friends with her since you were very young? I have two old friends who were like this for years whenever I visited my home town after moving away - one really, really persistently - I think sometimes it's a case of them wanting to indulge nostalgia and to feel that things haven't changed? And as others have said, perhaps she's lonely and struggling to make new friends. I once went to my parents for two nights to look after their pets when my mum had a planned procedure at a specialist hospital over 100 miles away, and my most persistent friend pretty much decided I wanted to see her for the whole two days and was quite difficult to shake off (I was happy to meet for a coffee, but had planned to relax alone and also do coursework). The other was quite miffed once when I didn't jump for joy at the activities she'd planned for us for the whole of a Saturday (without discussing with me first). You just have to stick to your boundaries!

largeredformeplease · 26/06/2025 13:06

goingroundthebendatthisrate · 26/06/2025 10:06

But she isn't doing that. She's trying to find a way of encouraging you to come home, so she can go see you / go out with you.

If she cared about you or your mum, she'd accept that you're not coming and would have offered to help in place of you, should your mum need it. But she hasn't, because she doesn't care.

She is not in any way making your mum's operation about her - she's using it as a way to get you to do what she wants. It's still a very crass thing to do, but it's important you understand the difference.

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What exactly is the difference? And why is it “important” that OP understand it?