To think the John Hunt family murders show how poorly coercive control is still understood?

Do you not think that if a number of us felt that your wording did read as victim blaming / inappropriate, then it’s worth considering that your wording was poorly chosen even if you meant well? Rather than doubling down?

It’s ok to sometimes say something like “I didn’t meant it at all like that but I take the point that if multiple people read it that way, my wording was poorly chosen” rather than being so defensive.

It seems odd to not totally describe him a coercive controller. But maybe he really didn't think it was his place to interfere with her choice of partner. Maybe she didn't really confide in him.

I can't really say as my Dad died before I had any relationship, but when I was being abused I told my mum. I can't imagine telling my dad.

But even then I kind of covered for him as I felt ashamed that I was still with him. So it's really hard for people to open up about it.

I guess he must feel guilty that he didn't somehow prevent her from being with him. But of course that's not really possible. She was a grown woman.

No-one is struggling to understand the OP's posts FFS. Why on earth are you trying to make out many posters are idiots. 🙄

Most posters are saying the OP is blaming the father/the family, because that's what she has done!

.

Oh the op has said that she isn't blaming the family a few times for sure.

However she then goes on to say that the family should have done this or shouldn't have done that and it could have been avoided. That's literally victim blaming.

I don't struggle to understand her point, I was a victim, I was in a refuge, and struggled to come to term with what had happened myself.

What I didn't do was take someone else's tragedy and pick apart what they should have done and said and realised, because that's a shitty thing to do and not realistic on any level.

Op should have started a thread on her own experiences rather than disect this family's tragedy and find all the things they could have spotted in order to prevent another man's actions.

A slightly different situation for me, but this is one reason why I've so far refused to consider leaving Husband - because DS would continue to see him and risk continuing to be abused.

The way I read and heard their interview was not that they were denying the abuse, but they were upset that it was portrayed as having been known about and ignored. They were unaware until after the murders, they weren’t ignoring it at the time.

No OP has not once blamed the family, in fact shes been crystal clear thats not what shes doing. Perhaps you've struggled to understand her point?

I’m sure the father knows more than any of us commenting or even the reporters. Leave the poor man alone.

This. ^ The OP seems to be completely ignoring and denying the fact that she has in fact blamed the family/particularly the father, for not 'seeing the signs' of coercive control, when he very likely couldn't have, because 'Kyle' wasn't showing any signs! OP admitted herself that she didnt see the signs when SHE was having it happening to her, yet she expects someone's father to see it in his adult daughter's relationship. Shockingly ignorant, and insensitive posts from her.

At least admit you've messed up here @OrangeCrushes and stop doubling down. Most posters are telling you that you're in the wrong here, yet all you are doing is telling people to leave the thread, or that you are 'no longer engaging with them' because they're saying something that you don't want to hear.

This thread needs deleting, seriously!

Regardless of whether her family identified that he was coercively controlling her, it wouldn't have changed the outcome. Nobody can control the actions of another adult. And when she did end it, that's when he murdered her and her family. I think it's absolutely fair for the remaining family to say they didn't see this coming and couldn't have predicted it. After all, how many abusive relationships are there in the UK, and how many end in a triple murder like that?

I think it is hard to judge on only a snippet of a full interview.

I will also report, for the same reasons as @anytipswelcome

the issue of coercive control can be discussed without being critical of the remaining family members of a horrendous crime.

I agree.
You quote from various media articles saying ‘the signs were there.’

i dont think any of us are in doubt that it’s preferable for people to understand as much as possible about coercive control. That’s not in doubt.

but it’s quite possible to believe that while also believing it’s in poor taste to start a thread about someone else’s tragedy and being critical of them. Particularly when you could have simply written about your own experience and your own failure to see signs of coercive behaviour.

To say that the remaining family can’t seem to see the signs and that if this is the case, what hope is there for women - which is what you state in your OP - seems dangerously like blaming the family, the wider victims of this case.

Yes

and coercive control from women too

OP we can take your post in good faith but in hindsight I think it would have been much better for you to have made the same points about coercive control being poorly recognised without directly doing so in relation to this family and certainly not by listing (after ‘I don’t blame the family but’) the things they did ‘wrong’. I’m reporting this thread not because I think you meant to be cruel but because it’s definitely not in the spirit. Maybe it’s worth starting a new one that doesn’t directly criticise individual people who are grieving so hugely.

He may not have noticed the signs and be torn up about it. But it's still important to highlight that there WAS controlling behaviour. It should always be highlighted.

Is that because you've went back and read what you wrote and realised that you've blamed the victims?

You could just ask for that post to get deleted you know.

A useful resource for women is The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. One of the things it does is explain how to spot the warning signs very early on in a relationship, at the stage when controlling people are testing you to see if you will be a suitably compliant partner, and how to act in ways that put them off.

You start by saying

I don't think the family are to blame, but.....

And then list all the things you felt they did wrong.

Your post previous to this literally blames the family.

This, 100%

it shows an extraordinary amount of cognitive dissonance to make this a thread about someone else.