Husband met work colleague without letting me know

The last time I sat in the pub on a Saturday drinking and chatting for 5 hours with a man…… it was a fantastic date with my husband! That sounds like a lot of chemistry.

It’s such classic, cliched bullshit. It is NEVER 65 yr old Beryl from accounts, or Dave, the IT chap that they are “helping” is it? It’s always some much younger, usually single woman. Do they actually believe this shite they spout?
He is very much out of line op, as you well know. What to do about it? If he wants to carry on “helping” said colleague, he can do it from a different address. Because no actually, you won’t sit around, twiddling your bloody thumbs whilst he conducts his…affair/attempt to have an affair/behaves like an inconsiderate twat.

Talk to him and say- maybe you are not sleeping with Claire, but I'm not convinced,but even if you aren't but you are sharing your life with her and not with me what is going on and why?

@Totallyaddictedtoshoes I'm so sorry that happened to you, I really hope you're healing now.
Unfortunately OP, I don't think this sounds good. Get your affairs in order,

Yes, he’s absolutely making a mockery of you.

I would try to aim for bemused contempt. If he wants space he can have that from a bedsit down the road. It concentrates the mind.

He wants the space of living like a single man, except when he wants the services of a wifey from home to cook clean and service him.

He has no respect for you or your marriage and he needs to know that you see that, clearly.

What a tedious cliché!

Yes, it's often Dave. Men go to pubs with Dave, stay working late with Dave, help Dave with some chores, play football with Dave, or give Dave a lift home.

It's just much less likely that anyone worries about the Dave friendship as it is much less likely that the Dave friendship will become a romantic relationship.

.

I’m afraid they’re already having an affair, and it’s just a question of timing when he’s ready to tell you ☹️

Men don’t ask for ‘space’ unless their head has already been turned.

What he wants you to do is kick off and give an ultimatum so he can go running off woth her whilst keeping his hands clean to play the victim.

Sorry OP. Clear as day. I know that doesn't help you but I hope it gives you clarity.

I mean, It's such a cliche. He backs off from your relationship and then suddenly this woman appears on the scene... he needs space to figure out if it's got legs with her before he leaves behind all his domestic comforts.

I'm sorry OP, you probably don't want to do anything because you feel like you might blow up your marriage for nothing but I agree with @theunbreakablecleopatrajones

You’re not jealous or insecure — you’re reacting like anyone would when their partner disappears, lies by omission, and then acts like you’re the problem for caring. It’s not about Claire, it’s about the disrespect. No apology, no real explanation, just a shrug and “what do you want to do?” after 30 years together? That’s cold. You’re allowed to be angry. Letting it go is only an option if you want to — not just to keep the peace.

I think fretting about the details of his behaviour is fiddling while Rome burns honestly. He wants out of the marriage, I know you don’t, but unless you’re willing to put up with ever increasing mucking around you might as well be on the front foot and get tthe best deal.

Pull your joint financials, see a solicitor, make a plan, when you’re ready, let him know it’s done.

Hi OP

This doesn't sound good sorry. It's classic 'the script'. He isn't having a mid life crisis, he is trying to have an affair, if he isn't already. And he is re-writing your relationship history in his head to make it easier to justify.

He also sounds extremely dismissive of your feelings. Disappearing for 5 hours to spend time with a friend that had not been mentioned before, without telling you, is really disrespectful and most people would be upset but his 'it's done now what do you want me to do' is pathetic and shows he has no valid excuse or reason but doesn't actually care how it makes you feel.

When you say he said he 'needed space' to work out what he wants...did he mean in terms of your relationship and to work out if he wants to be with you? If so how long has this been going on? What's he actually doing to work out his feelings (apart from trying it on with someone else to see if he likes them better) - any counselling or anything? In these situations men often leave their wives having while they try out an affair and then get everything in order. Please don't let him treat you with this little respect. I'd check his phone. I'd ask him if he had made a decision yet and if not I'd be telling him its not fair to expect you to love in limbo indefinitely, its clear from the distance and his behaviour that he doesn't really respect you and you think it would be best if he moved out for now. And start getting legal advice and collecting financial info just in case

I’m sorry to say I’ve very recently been in this position. They were having an affair and I got the same old trope of I deleted her messages cos I’ve been talking to her about being unhappy and I don’t know what I want any more, I need time and space to work my head out. Of course he hadn’t mentioned a word to me before I confronted him with suspicions of an affair. He changed his passcode on his phone and told me it was to “test” me as he knew I would try and check it, he told me I was controlling for asking him to step back from contact with her outside of work. After 7 hellish weeks living together after having discovered proof of the affair and how bad it really was, whilst I tried to give him said time and space, him refusing to talk to me about his unhappiness, refusing to try anything to fix it, getting angry at me when I kept catching him out still meeting her and contacting her (he told me dozens of times he had asked her not to because he needed to “work on himself”), he finally moved to a rented house and within 10 days I was dumped by email (after nearly 23 years together) and told he was in a long distance relationship with the OW.
please don’t be me OP, it has utterly destroyed me. I wanted to help him thru what I thought was a mid life crisis (probably is tbh), supported him, said I could work past the affair…. I fought. It was all in vain and the pain I endured due to his manipulation and cruel, selfish choices and behaviour has been so damaging. Your DH has shown he can’t be trusted and he isn’t giving you the respect you deserve. Get as much info together as you can now and please put yourself first, because he won’t.
Look after yourself, it’s a gut wrenching feeling I know.

He’s got one foot out the door and using his ‘I need space’ as an excuse not to come to the table in your marriage.

Sorry, you don’t get that sort of space in a marriage. It’s not legitimate.

Nor do you get to stonewall your partner’s feelings and deprive the marriage of your attention and dedication while you feed the feelings, ego and social time of another woman.

All bullshit. It’s two card time. 1. Marriage counselling, to which he attends with purpose and dedication, or 2. Divorce solicitor. Let him pick.

Either an affair has begun or he’s very focused on making it happen. It’s obvious he wants to - he’s distancing himself from you and getting very close with her.

Sorry OP. Get angry and say how predictable and obvious he’s being and it’s not ok. If he wants to go he can fuck off out of the house.

Start thinking about what life could look like without him.

Totally disrespectful of you.

What's your situation? Could you easily leave or split?

Id be asking him to have a think, about how he wants things to be going forward. If he wants to continue to prioritise claire, then he should start thinking about going separate ways and all that will entail.

OP if he's not having an affair with her already, he wants to. As hard as it is to accept, the whole 'wanting space' and 'trying to work out what he wants' is all code for he's got the hots for someone else.

If I were you I'd be getting my ducks in a row - make sure you are going to be financially stable if/when you split. I honestly think he will leave at some point so make sure you're prepared.

Exactly this.
He's had his head turned.
Utterly disrespectful and finding ways to blame you for your completely reasonable reaction. How would he feel if the tables were turned?
Watch out for more of this 'blaming.'
Classic script 💐

I'd be getting legal advice, taking copies of financial information and preparing to serve divorce papers. His level of disrespect for you is staggering. If you started this type of carry on with a much younger colleague he would not be accepting. I suppose you could have a chat to Clare and explain that you'll be letting their mutual employer know about their behaviour and your husband drinking alcohol at work - assuming you don't need him to be employed to pay maintenance, buy you out of the house etc. Don't get angry, get even is my motto.

Tricky. I like to hang out with my workmates to have breathers from household dramas (male and female)

Perhaps invite Claire over and suss out the situation? It would save a lot of questioning and conclusion jumping

Of course you should be angry. He is going on dates with this woman and supporting her emotionally. He's having an affair - emotionally and possibly physically.

He’s acting as if this in completely normal and acceptable OP so you second guess your feelings about it and it’s working. Completely manipulative. This is neither normal or acceptable.
He definitely wants an affair with her if he’s not already. He’s behaving appallingly towards you. I’m so sorry.

If you’re not comfortable with him spending time with Claire then you need to tell him. Tell him how it’s making you feel and then judge his response and actions.

I’m all for people having friendships, and in some cases a great friendship can be between a male and a female, but never to the detriment of the main relationship.

If he insists on spending further time with Claire then you have an issue, and will have to make your decision based on him choosing to spend time with his friend/woman over your feelings. As a pp said, I very much doubt he’d choose to spend 5 hrs talking to Dave or helping him out with chores and not tell you.

I think him telling you, is him justifying it to himself, he can’t be accused of lying etc. Keep her in plain sight.

He's having an affair. Sorry. it couldn't be more obvious if it was tattooed on his forehead. Absolutely classic script here. And when he says "what do you want to do?" it almost sounds as if he's trying to push this to a flashpoint so he can leave.

No you shouldn't "let it go": it's hugely disrespectful. You need to leave or get him to leave, I think you know that already, right?

The question is how ready you are to do that. Do you have kids? Do you work? Is there somewhere you can go?