Adult son avoids me

A tale as old as time.

The single mother enmeshed with adult son, partner transference.

Single for 20 years, the only man in her life is her son, then he meets a gf and has a woman more important, but for OP her son is still the only man in her life so she wants lunches, walks, cinema! All Romantic Date facsimiles!

My MiL was like this, sobbed when he met me, hysterical when he moved out, jealous and trying to compete with me for his affections.

Why aren't you crying down the phone to your daughter to take you for walks and cinema?

What strikes me is why are you blaming his poor GF in all this?

mots her fault he’s not calling, it must be because of her he didn’t invite you in. You like her ‘well enough’.

Why do they have to invite you over/for a walk/or something. you mention how you used to always be the one sorting your ex husbands families gifts and say it’s lovely that an above poster facilitates the relationship between her H and his mother. I think most women would be quite annoyed at the wife work.

I think you might need to take a look inwards and examine some of your own internal sexism and start putting the onus on him.

For what it’s worth I actually think you see him and them plenty.

they’re presumably both adults with FT jobs, busy growing careers, running a home, seeing friends. They get 4 weekends a month, that’s 8 days, it’s hard to fit everything in.

similarly with 7pm, evenings after work are very busy, they probably don’t have endless time to invite you in for an indefinite amount of time. You also mention she’s away this weekend. So maybe they want to spend some quality time together on an evening whilst they can before she goes.

Overall I think you need to adjust your expectations anyway and appreciate the time you do have with him/them. But for the love of god if you do bring it up please don’t inadvertently put it on her.

fbs

Get a grip.

You should want your children to go forth and conquer without making them feel like they owe you.

But surely the whole point of motherhood is to raise your children to be independent and self-sufficient adults with their own lives and families?

Being clingy and needy and making demands for more contact is definitely counter-productive and will probably make people pull away.

🌷 I’m dreading the day I know will come, when I’m no longer as important in my DC’s life as they are in mine. It’s already starting in a small scale. And I just want to say to them, don’t you remember the hours I held you when exhausted or overwhelmed as you needed me, don’t you remember the nights I spent awake making sure you were ok, don’t you remember me being there, cheering you on at a play, pouring over all the ‘art’ you produced, nudging you to revise, teaching you about life. Listening, caring. You were my world. And I was yours.

But already I feel the drift. And at some point I will be a much loved side token. No longer the main event. Forgotten at times, there when needed. I’ve not yet worked out how I should try to be, other than knowing I need to keep myself busy, re find hobbies I’ve forgotten when time starts to allow it. Enjoy friends who I’ve not always had enough time for. Who will probably be going through the same thing.

masses of love. Until they have their own DC I suspect they won’t realise. And even then perhaps they won’t. But keep the door open, never criticise, and no pressure. I do believe all DC seem to need to ‘cut the tie’ in order to then (hopefully) come back with an adult and equal relationship.

I think my son resents being treated like a child. When I look at him and think about him, I still see that little boy standing excited in front of his birthday cake ready to make a wish. But that isn't how he sees himself, so there is a mismatch.
I have learned to keep that little boy with me in my heart, but to treat the man in front of me today, with warmth, affection and respect.

I hate it too, and I find the people who use it in real life are the ones that end up not close to their sons because it seems like it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. They end up instantly seeing their sons partner as a threat, start trying to drive a wedge between them and lose. Not that I’m saying OP has done that.

I bloody hate that ‘son is a son’ quote. It’s sexist bullshit. So YABU for using that.

Maybe he then saw not being too close as the normal. You were clearly not close to your parents due to distance and that’s what he saw growing up.

So he sees it as normal to not need to be in each others pockets.

@Bonkersworknonsense

Everyone’s different, but I wouldn’t say seeing family a few times a month is universally seen as excessive.

I think this sentence you wrote sums up your situation - everyone is different, and your son and his gf want to do things differently to you. You don’t see it as excessive, they do.

If he was taken to Grandparents every weekend as a child (assuming as you say after you were married you did this), he might have found it boring and excessive, and he has decided to do different now he is an adult.

I read it a lot on mumsnet that people regularly visited their own parents and in-laws in the past and don’t like it that their adult children don’t now do it for them. But adult children often rebel against the norms of the family they grew up in, especially as a young adult like your son.

There could be loads of reasons why he/they don't want you popping in. And they may have nothing to do with you.

It may help you to do some soul searching as to whether there's anything you have said or done in the past that might be viewed as overbearing? For example: if you keep a particularly neat and tidy house, do you make comments if their house isn't as well ordered? Is it possible that they have different tastes and preferences that either conflict with yours or make it seem like you disapprove?

For example: my ex-mother in law had a complete lack of self-awareness about all the things she would do that were absolutely nauseating and overbearing: She would always make comments about our house and how it was decorated/furniture/contents/kitchen etc etc. She would always make comments about the clothes I was wearing. Either directly, or she would suggest other clothes (or, worse, buy clothes) that clearly were not anything I would normally wear. She would buy hideous purses/handbags for me. She even bought a bright pink leather jacket once - which caused my own mum and sisters to have a complete meltdown of laughter - it's still mentioned to this day.

Point being: I am sure you aren't that bad, but is it possible that there are things you've said/done in the past that are a bit much?

Maybe back off for a bit - don't offer food, don't think up reasons to pop round or for your son to have to pop round - just be nice and kind as usual, but leave it for them to invite you over or think of activities to do together. They are young, they are building their life together, they may have very little time after work etc to even spend together, let alone with others.

Meanwhile, therapy can help with these feelings that many mums have when their children leave home and start living with other people. Particularly for mums who have sons. It's important to have good boundaries and to understand why others have them too, and to respect them.

The trick is not to expect it. In my case it was extremely unexpected, but it just happened.

Hi op I get your sadness you just want to see your son but sometimes when a guy meets a gf they will just do what’s best for an easy life. you raised him to be independent which he is and he’s now making a new life but it still hurts that you have lost the closeness but he might change you sound lonely which is to be expected try and fill your time with other things you enjoy and it’s usual the girl want to go to her parents for Xmas maybe you could suggest every other year.

Meet ups around 3 times a month is pretty good. They came to you for Xmas.
You shouldn’t expect to come in at 7pm on a weekday to drop something off or be offended if you’re not asked in.

Expecting to meet up with son when he is on his lunch break is massively unreasonable. Weird to think this is a thing. A one off lunch, perhaps. Regularly? That’s ridiculous, leave the guy to work and get on with his day.

I'd be sad if I dropped something off for ds and he didn't invite me in for a quick coffee. I know I'm very lucky but my DS invites me around for dinner usually once most weeks and he's a great cook. If you're on your own could you try to join a group so you make some friends to do things with. In town I live in they have a group meet up each week and do different things like cinema, bowling, hiking etc. I know someone who joined after her youngest DC went to uni and said she made friends after years at home with her kids when she didn't go out much. Last weekend she went on a 4 mile walk had a pub lunch then they walked the 4 miles back and a few took dogs too. My friend is thinking of getting a small dog because of this group. Several of them meet up to walk their dogs a few times each week. In your case it sounds like your DS partner doesn't like you much and that's why invites don't happen.

I'm in a similar situation.

A lot of it comes down to comfort levels. You've seen him at his worst - he probably wouldn't care less if you came inside while he was in his underwear and his house was chaos.

You don't have that closeness with her yet (if ever). She might be putting pressure on herself to make a good impression on you by only letting you see her at her best. Or she might have bought all of society's rhetoric about Monsters in Law and be a bit scared of you.

I know it's a horrible feeling being left on the doorstep but try to remember it's early days for you being in her 'safe space'. He has chosen this woman and hopefully is happy, and with time and a bit of forgiveness around the awkwardness the three of you will find your groove.

I think two things can be true at once - one that it's very natural to struggle when the youngest grows up and you see your kids move onto true independence knowing they will (likely) never need you in same way again.. and two that whilst the levels of contact feel hard for you, they are really very normal for someone in your sons stage of life and as other posters have said its actually a lot more than many by sounds of it!

To be honest in my 20s I probably reached out to my mum less than your son is despite being a big fan of hers and there being no issues - it's just that time of life where things feel really busy there's not as much time, headspace, energy or perhaps inclination to reach out much have you round etc.

Neither your feelings or his behaviour are wrong it's just a tricky time 💗

OP I found that getting a pet enormously - something to look after and care for, and hopefully unconditional love and affection.
It's worked for me.

But there are plenty of families who do live like this, so there isn’t really anything you can do is there? Some siblings move away, like op daughter, not all family live within a 20 min commute of each other. I have family all over the world and only see some once a year, doesn’t mean I don’t love them just means I don’t see them as often. Then you have family’s who are enstranged for whatever reason, I’m pretty sure those that choose no contact are pretty happy with their choices. All families are different.

Perhaps make the effort to get along with her. And yes you’re right she could be the mother of your grandchildren one day, so best to fix any tension now, as it will probably be the mother calling the shots.

Yeah I pretty much agree with this. I think, barring an unusual circumstance, that was rude.