My boyfriend is going back and forth with his ex fling.

Why come to MUMSNET for advice then ?
Honestly nothing worse than people who ask advice don’t like what they hear so keep asking others until they hear what they want !

What?!

You spoke to ‘some men’ so are now feeling ok with ‘your man’ clearly getting validated from conversations with his ex?!

OK we’ll just wait for the ‘he slept with her but he says it meant nothing’ post!

If you're looking for excuses to stay with him, why ask for advice on here?

The 'men' you asked are talking rubbish. He likes her and is leading you both on.

Unless the men you spoke with were your brothers and/or father they will have his best interests at heart and not yours. They’re lying.

The most unreasonable and unreasoning I've ever seen on here I think

Words fail me.

Amazing

Here's a useful link: Motivated reasoning - Wikipedia

Then he's cruel. So you're options are either he's a cheater or he's cruel, OP. You can do better.

Here’s the thread but be advised you might pull your hair out:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5311466-husband-had-an-affair-advice-needed?page=1

30 years 😬? Crikey.

Why are you so focussed on whether you’re better/liked more than her or not and not on whether you like him or not?

you are far far too emotionally immature to be dating so you will get hurt over and over again until you get it.

you probably have issues from your childhood you need to sort out, maybe a parent wasn’t around so you’re desperate to prove to someone/anyone that you’re valuable.

I wouldn’t date if I were you op until you’ve had some counselling. You’re not ready and will just pick badly again.

What do you think you might be making a mistake about

No i don’t agree. The woman who is married to the man doing this after 30 years is worse, ‘but why but why does this other woman do this?’

who cares what anyone else is doing!!! know your own worth and get rid of him and his lies.

What do you do? Ditch him and know your worth and find someone that treats you with the full love and respect like you deserve 🚩🏃‍♀️

Well done on dumping him. Now - don't be tempted to answer any further communication from him at all. If mutual friends start to tell you stuff about him - cut them off 'He's history - don't want to know what he's up to'. Arrange some fun stuff this weekend with family and friends and put this all behind you

It really doesn't matter what he thinks or feels about his ex. It's you that's being upset by his actions and your feelings count much more than his or the ex's. And you do not have to take this disrespectful behaviour from him or anyone else.

Yep - the endless ‘but whyyyyyyyyyyyyy’ with no acknowledgement of any advice all seems very familiar

Hmm.. this reads like a couple of threads not long ago which sounded very similar. The constant questioning and ignoring of replies...

OP, he's just enjoying the attention - it's an ego boost.
he's got 2 "on the go" - even if one is just texting at the moment.

but if he's the kind of person who's perfectly happy doing this, it's a pretty short hop to him being happy meeting up with her for something more physical.

he's already shown you and her that he's comfortable having sex with someone he's not particularly interested in.

it's fairly clear to me that he's not that committed to you - whether he has feelings for his ex or not (he doesn't - it's just easy).

i'm sure you can also see this. you just need to allow yourself to believe it.

It doesn't matter whether he likes her or not.
If he likes her and this is a weird way of flirting he is messing with you and doesn't care enough to be loyal to you and block the 'fling'.
If he doesn't like her ...even worse. He is being deliberately cruel to her while keeping her dangling on a string when he should be blocking her not sending her cruel texts. ...And apparently this other woman was a Virgin before him? Her first real relationship? And he treats her like this? If he isn't in to her why isn't he letting her down gently? Saying kind things then blocking her? Is this the type of man you want a relationship with op? Not a man I could admire, trust or want to be with. And you have seen how he treats women when he breaks up with them ..and how he is treating you by keeping this texting going. Beware. He is treating you badly now and it is in his nature to treat you like he treats the ex if you break up. Save your self respect and get rid. 💐

He is an arsehole. You don’t need to know any more.

Run, love.

Stop speculating is it this, is it that. Stop pulling yourself apart and driving yourself into a frenzy with wondering.

It's exactly what it looks like.

They have very recent history together, unfinished business, and the fireworks are blazing on both sides.

You're basically the other woman.

You are standing in the middle, in between them, and you're going to get burned.

There's billions of men out there - and this one's taken.

Of course it’s all lies. The issue isn’t that, it’s that you have wasted so much time and energy thinking about it all. Essentially he’s a lying cheating arsehole, you’re right to dump him and block. Don’t waste another moment trying to work him out.

Then, as I said before, do the Freedom Programme, it’s a life changer.

The only mistake you’re making is giving this your attention and time. Put him in the bin and move on.

If a man likes you, he’ll be all in and you won’t need to ask questions.

He's keeping his options open so he can have sex with her again if he's single. Its called breadcrumbing. He responds enough to keep her on the hook, but not enough do anything. She is just someone to have sex with.

As for his feelings for you, he does not respect you, particularly if you have said you don't like him contacting his ex and he's still doing it.

He is keeping you on a string too.

You are worth so much more. You are worth someone who gives you all his time and attention and only wants you.

If he really wanted you, he would not be texting her.

Dump him. Tell him you are worth me then he is prepared to give you and its his loss. Then block him, delete his number, remove him from your Instagram and socials and block him there.

I know it's hard, but it will be harder in a year when you'll be more invested.