HELP! What’s wrong with me? Is this normal?

That's so helpful thank you 😊 😊

I'd definitely go to the doctor for a chat, see if you can get some support because this sounds connected to the arrival of baby and could be ppd

(I can't comment on OCD because I once couldn't leave the house for months due to the stress of checking everything repeatedly but my doctor just said it was anxiety and left me to it; I found therapy and am doing much much better, no thanks to them)

I think we all have rules for ourselves.
I used to never be able to go out of the house if it was messy. Just couldn’t bear to come home to a messy place. I never ever watched tv in the day time. Now I do both because I realised all these rules were ridiculous and sometimes it’s better to get out of the house with your kids and it’s fine if it’s messy. We’ll just tidy when we get back.
A film or Netflix in the afternoon on my day off - wonderful way to relax.
It’s down to having kids and then realising things change and priorities change.

I don't want to derail OP's thread but, in short, there are seven things that we can all do that will build resilience. When we fail or are unable to do one or more, our resilience lowers. The ironic thing is, when we're busy, we tend to cut them out, which lowers our resilience. Lowering our resilience then means we can't do as much - so we feel busier, so we cut more... and that's how we spiral. People tend to spiral one of two ways - either into depression or anxiety.

Obviously there are trigger events that sometimes happen which can quick-start a chain of events causing mental health issues and having a good resilience routine isn't everything. Some people also have a genetic or social pre-disposition. It's not a magic wand, but it works 99% of the time.

The seven things are:

1. Exercise - at least 30 minutes of exercise per day (i.e. being out of breath) and being generally active throughout the day.
2. Sleep - a minimum of 7 hours sleep per night, more if you're unwell or injured or under strain.
3. Healthy eating - generally, eating a balanced diet, mostly avoiding UPFs, not overthinking food or needing to obsess over anything, staying hydrated, having enough vitamins, minerals and fibre...
4. Socialising with a wide range of people - this just means regularly having conversations with people that aren't transactional or logistical (i.e. going for lunch with friends would count, speaking to a cashier purely to pay for an item would not).
5. Having one strong, close connection - this is usually a partner but it could be a relative, a pet or even a diary/blog. It's someone you can be entirely authentic and share anything you need to without judgement.
6. Avoiding addiction - this could be drink, drugs, smoking, vaping, porn, gambling, mumsnet...
7. Active rest/relaxation - this is giving yourself time to do an activity purely because you enjoy doing it, and not feeling guilty about it.

What people tend to do is have all of these things in balance and be able to work 12 hours a day. Then, they're very busy for a few weeks, so are working 14 hours a day. To compensate, they cut out exercise, healthy eating and don't go to their weekly hobby. That means that their resilience has lowered. They are now working at 90% of the rate they could work at before this all started. So, even though they're back to their usual 12 hour routine, they now can only get 10.8 hours worth of stuff done in those 12 hours - they're slower because their resilience is lower. That means they need to work for 13 hours to do the 12 hours worth of stuff. Because of that, they've permanently cut out exercise and active rest from each day... so their resilience gets continuously worse. A few weeks later, they can only achieve 8 hours worth of stuff in the 12 hours they were originally working - so they're working 16 hours a day on doing things that should only take hours. That leaves them with four hours less sleep/exercise/socialising/resting/etc. It spirals from there.

I was going to say the same - I left it too long to get help for postpartum mental health difficulties and my first child definitely suffered for it. If you're aware you've got a lot of issues to work through, they will only start to surface in more troubling ways as your child gets older and you have to actually deal with parenting them whilst struggling yourself, so the sooner you can start to tackle them the better

This is such good advice.

My 16 year old DD has OCD, she was diagnosed at 13, but I first noticed symptoms about 18 months earlier. She was so reluctant to get help, she was really embarrassed by it, but working with a therapist to find out what had triggered it (trauma from me being very ill on life support in ITU, so not a huge surprise!) and what things made it worse/better was incredibly helpful. There are still some things that DD is fastidious about (keeping her room clean, showering at least once a day, hand washing when she comes into the house from outside), but nothing completely 'outside of the norm'. There are times when she's stressed when some of the old behaviours start to show, but we know what to look for, and what to do in order to stop them properly taking hold.

Getting help now before it takes over your life is the absolute best advice you could take @BeWarmPoet, it might feel a bit difficult to start with, but I promise you it's so much less difficult than living with full blown, life altering OCD.

I think it's bordering OCD. You're starting to be controlled by your thoughts. I've suffered horrifically with OCD for over 30 years now (can't believe I'm saying that!). Although I've never gone anywhere for a diagnosis. It was awful and before people really spoke about anything like that. As a teenager it was crippling and took over my life. There was a trigger with mine and it sounds like your baby is the trigger here. What I would say is, fight it now! Get help and stay self aware of this. It's easier to fight now and get out of it and retrain your brain before it takes over completely. The only way I could get out of it was by fighting myself. So many tears and finding it impossible but I got myself out (I think someone above said resilience training?). It's never 100% gone but now if it comes out, I know I'm getting more stressed or tired and it's a good signal to myself that I need to calm down.

I found that after having a baby, I had to really lower my standards… it was actually impossible for us to be ready by 9am and the house was NEVER truly clean!
I just took some pressure off myself for my own sanity… you can have some new rules now:
Only attend baby groups that start AFTER 10am
Only do 1 thing each day Eg a trip to park OR weekly shopping OR baby group

Its about learning to be less perfect, because you’re caring for somebody else now x

Your baby needs you to face this - they need a healthy mum, and they absolutely need to leave the house after 9am. Waiting lists for MH support are long - try and take the first step this week.

I'm the same but I'm autistic. Clean sheets and PJs are a must, and they must have been washed that same day and be smelling of fabric softener. The house must be spotless before I could relax in a bath. I must have bubble bath, baths where I can see the bottom give me a really uncomfortable feeling. Many times I want one it just feels overwhelming to have to run the bath even if I have everything else prepared. I also don't like baths in daylight or when it is warm weather.

My partner is like this, always has been. He has ocd and adhd.

Please go to your GP. It does sound like you need support. I know someone who had postnatal OCD who is completely fine now. It can happen with hormones etc. I think she had some therapy and an antidepressant for a bit. There is help out there if you ask for it ❤️

I would love to know more about rebuilding resilience, what was involved?

‘I get kind of paralyzed to certain tasks and just can’t do them for hours or days on end’

@Overthebow I relate to this so much. Cutting my nails is a big one. On the one hand, I am desperate to do it because I can’t stand the feel of long nails- I keep mine as short as possible. Yet I put off cutting them for a day or so because it somehow seems like such a mammoth task. 🤔 I know it only takes minutes and is easy and painless, so why don’t I just do it? I really do dislike the sound the clippers make so maybe that is part of it. But that in itself is a bit weird. 😂

Sounds like there could possibly be some ADD. It's very common for people with ADD to struggle with the day to day things others have no trouble with.
Another explanation for that particular symptom could be stress and/or depression.

I really relate to a lot of what you describe OP- especially with regards to cleaning and tidying when anxious, or ‘having to’ complete X task before Y can happen etc. I have fought with this kind of rigid thinking at various points all my life. For me it isn’t constant but surfaces every so often - sometimes I can identify what has triggered it (difficult life experiences such as bereavement for example, or transition phases in life like becoming a mum), but not always. I have had other mental health issues too, including anxiety- especially health anxiety; disordered eating and obsessive exercising; addictions. I think I am probably ND but have never been assessed. Maybe I’ll get round to it one day just as soon as I’ve done x, y and z 😂

I would try and seek some counselling or support with this to see if it can help you get to the bottom of what’s going on, whether it’s a specific MH condition, neurodivergence or just a coping strategy that doesn’t need treating. But as others have said, it comes down to how much it is impacting your life and relationships, and it does sound like it is making your life harder work than it needs to be. Best of luck 💐

Honestly, it does sound like you could be exhibiting symptoms of OCD. Please make an appointment with your GP and tell them all that you've written about here. There is help available, please don't wait as these types of conditions can be really restricting on your everyday life. Do you have a partner? Or supportive family member? Start by talking to them, then see your GP.

Yes, it does sound like it could be OCD, especially as it seems to distress you. The doing times tables over and over is what is most significant, the rest could just be part of your personality. It certainly sounds like you have an obsessive thought pattern. See your doc. I have it too and it can be managed.

-Edited to apologize for mistakenly including the OP's original quote. I know it bothers some people.

This situation sounds very familiar to what happens to me sometimes and I have ASD and ADHD. Not saying you have these as there’s a lot of criteria to meet, but this kind of thing happens to me more when I’m overwhelmed. I get kind of paralyzed to certain tasks and just can’t do them for hours or days on end depending on the task, not drinking for a few hours even though I want a drink, not having a bath for days for example. Have you got a lot going on in your life at the moment that could make you anxious and overwhelmed?

You don’t need to get your shit together. Take things easy.

BUT needing to leave the house (with a very small baby!!) before 9am or you can’t go…and everything must be right before you leave…that’s what’s worrying.

And there’s no problem at all having a shower instead of a bath. It’s the worrying about it repeatedly that’s the issue.

Talk to someone.

I don’t want to sound patronising but, is it possible that you’re simply overwhelmed?

If it’s a case of “I just don’t want to do that”, “I just cannot be bothered”, “that feels like too much hard work” all over things that should be simple and easy. It sounds like you’re just plain old overwhelmed.

If so, you just need to rebuild your resilience. It’s actually very easy with a focused plan and takes a couple of weeks. It’s something we’re trained on at work (I work in a high pressure environment where people often get overwhelmed).

Going against the grain to say that I think this sounds completely normal.

Not having a bath because you don’t have time for a bath - completely normal.

Not having a bath because it’s effort and you’re tired at the end of a day - completely normal.

Wanting to get into clean sheets after a bath - completely normal.

Not wanting to go through all the effort of changing sheets just to justify a bath - completely normal.

If you said you weren’t washing at all for weeks on end because you couldn’t wash unless every inch of your house was spotless, that would raise alarm bells. Everything in your OP seems completely normal to me.

Yes, I also did this in particular after I had my dd five years ago.

The thing is with OCD, there is a very significant amount of distress involved that impacts your quality of life. Would you say that’s true?

Otherwise I would say you may just have some tendencies that are part of your personality/ coping strategies for when you are stressed or need to feel in control.