I’m so fed up of this was I unreasonable?

They are still young, you can stop this now.

Remember when we know better, we do better.
Don't waste energy on guilt.
Focus on positive action.
That's all any mother can do.

Yes you should have OP.
That is so shocking.
How confusing for your children to be told this, for no other reason than she wants to.

So so toxic.
You cannot honestly believe someone is genuinely concerned for the well-being of children she would do that to?

I would add this as another reason in your text that you will not be seeing her.
She cannot be trusted to conduct herself appropriately, in the best interests of your children, they need protection from such behaviour.

You can do this OP.
Take your time.
Silence in the meantime.

So stop phoning her, visiting her and telling her about your children's lives. You can control this, OP - it's very simple.

She’s already lost access to your sister, her own behaviour is about to see her cut off from the rest of her family. If she’s always been like this, and there’s been no sudden worrying change that might indicate dementia - then she has nobody to blame but herself. And it is not your responsibility to put up with her abuse, aggression and gaslighting just because she has nobody else. Protect your own kids if you can’t do it for yourself.

She sounds toxic (and I do not say that lightly!) I would cut contact. What kind of influence will she be on the grandchildren😳 I am a grandmother and hold diametrically opposed views to hers she sounds awful sorry!

My mum went anti immigrant in old age.
It's a real pain when they are separated from reality in old age.
Then again, my idiot friends who are, have no excuse.

I agree with PP that your children need to be protected from her toxicity as well as you.

I'd talk it over with your DH so you're getting emotional support and you're both on the same page. I don't doubt it'll be hard for you but for your kids sake it needs doing. She's poisonous.

Ditch her.
If she is abusive to you, one day she will be abusive to your kids because she will see them as an extension of you.

My father is like this, and I've got an uncle too. Amusingly they've fallen out with each other as my father loves Jewish folk (he fetishises them) and my uncle hates them!

Conspiracy nuts are often unwell people in my view. It's one thing to question official narratives, it's another to believe the queen is a lizard.

They can never keep quiet about it either and are incapable of reasonable debate. They think they are super special because they have this secret, and the rest of us are thick and dangerous for not seeing it. It's messed up and you're well within your right to put boundaries round contact.

My father also likes to send poison pen letters when called out in his bullshit. A classic was sending one to my brother who was getting divorced, telling him his children would be abused by paedophiles due to the divorce.

My life is a lot easier without such toxicity in it, I drew a no contact line years ago. That might not work with you, but I do encourage barriers, lord knows what she's telling your kids when out of earshot.

Because you’ve been conditioned and because you’re different. NC is the consequence of her behaviour. You’re not responsible for her being toxic and having no friends. This is also the consequence of her behaviour. She won’t agree with your reasoning for NC, obviously, so you have to be clear and confident as to why. You have to be able to hold firm. Yes, she gave birth to you, but you did not choose her. And you get to choose who you are influenced by, who you spend your energy on.

What you have posted here is exactly why!!!

Please go NC for you and your DCs sakes!!

Hugs!

This.

She sounds utterly insufferable. YANBU.

I would want to go NC if I had a parent like this. It sounds difficult with you being in the same locality but could be done if you tough it out.
How do you feel about her becoming frail and dependent? I think I would notify her GP you are available for any emergencies, to make decisions re future care etc but are otherwise NC. If you don't want that responsibility I wouldn't blame you.

I tell you what, there is nothing like a mother's love is there 😡

I would say ill take your skin off if you ever speak to me like that again and unless you change ( which she won't) the relationships over i'd stay a million miles from her.. she sounds awful and a horrible bully.

Im sorry you are being treated like this.my dad was like this to me all the time,until I just couldn’t take any more ,he ground me down so much,I cut contact with him many years ago for my own sanity.and felt a weight lifted from me.also my children got a happier mum.do what is best for you.take good care of your self xxx

She's not well.
It's not rational to believe the shit she believes and it's not normal to tell your daughter (or anyone else) that you'll take their skin off.
Realistically, there's nothing you can do about it except distance yourself and not expose your kids to it.

Stop interacting before she starts abusing your children. Be unavailable for her. She may have the beginning of a mental health issue but that is not your problem.

Haven't seen my dm for best apart of 25 years.. Wasn't having her make my dc feel as shit as she made me. Even as an adult she questioned everything I did. . Been a very peaceful time.
I can definitely recommend it op.

I am glad it helped @giraffes2021 - yes, if she blows up and does not settle down, at least you know she has made a clear choice for herself and it is her responsibility, not yours. I am sorry, its miserable when this happens, but you must protect yourself and by extension your children.

FWIW, I had a quite difficult relationship with my step dad and sister before my mother died (which she enabled, unfortunately). Both would use me to dump their stress on, and could be quite insulting and nasty to me if I did or thought something different to them. After mum died, I set a clear limit with them both. Its lead to much reduced contact with sister, and its been much better for my MH. If she starts revving up, I walk away. To be honest, we could get to no contact and it would be alright, but as long as she is largely ok, it works. It would be nice if she did not have to make so much effort to be on her best behaviour around me, but hey, thats how it goes.

My step dad, having kicked off initially, had time to consider what I was saying and is much much better towards me - we have quite a nice relationship now. So it can work, but to be fair, I do think that is a rare outcome. But either way, speaking up for your own needs here is always going to be a good things. You deserve better.

She is very abusive. If this wasn’t your mum, if it was a friend speaking to you this way you wouldn’t think twice about cutting them out of your life.

I think you will be so much better off without her in your life.