DH wants to put our lives on hold for IVF - AIBU?

IVF is very stressful as is moving house, I would want to avoid doing both at the same time if at all possible. Have you discussed how many cycles you'd be willing to do so you can work that into your budget for a house?

I did put life on hold for IVF because I felt like my life was on hold until it worked or not.

If you do both I would probably try and have a break for the actual moving part so that you're not on hormones then. I was an emotional mess when I was on stims and moving would probably have upset me and then I'd be worried that being so upset would somehow affect the chances of success and got more upset.

I tend to agree with him. Sounds like he really really wants children so wants ivf to be the priority and in his kind I guess you guys don’t need a bigger place until you have a child.

We went through something similar but slightly different - moved out of London (back to our home town) into a house, tried to start a family and…nothing.

It eventually took us 6 cycles and 7 years to have our DD, and during all that time we said if we’d known what was coming we’d have stayed in London for longer. Better access to clinics for appointments, more stuff to do that isn’t all child/family centred, like-minded colleagues and friends who were still child-free to socialise with.

Back home we were surrounded by all our friends and family constantly having babies while we got left behind.

Not saying this is what will happen to you, but it’s worth thinking about access to clinic appointments, the commute for work and the social environment you’d be going into if you move to a more rural area - ie if you move somewhere that’s full of yummy mummies is it going to make it tough if you still can’t conceive?

Of course, if you feel you’re ready to leave London full stop and long for a house/countryside etc for its own sake then it makes sense to move. Could you do a ‘halfway’ move somewhere not so far out and smaller, so you can still get into London easily? Xx

He's right. Stay put. See what happens. You might not need a bigger house. If you do you'll have ages to look.

I agree with this. Moving out to a family oriented place is going to backfire if you don’t get pregnant.

If you want kids you need to prioritise them now. If you don’t mind not having them, move in with other things. IVF is a bind and quite gruelling, so you may have. Limit on the number of attempts you are willing to make, after which you move on. And you may need to discuss the what if scenarios around not succeeding. No children / adoption / separation. It sounds like he really wants to be a Dad and may not be able to cope with giving up on that dream just yet.

Have you discussed how many rounds you are willing to do? I'm very into stats so worked out odds and number of rounds as well as re-assessing how I and DH felt after rounds.

I didn't want to get sucked into spending a fortune and going through the physical and emotional turmoil without having a point where I'd draw the line. I knew I'd be tempted to 'just try once more'.
I don't think you should put your life on hold but maybe there's a compromise of x more rounds then have a break and focus on moving before seeing how you both feel?

It's hard, both on you and you're relationship so wishing you lots of luck.

I don't think it's "putting your life on hold" if the main reason for the move is because of your hopes for future babies. It's pausing at a crossroads to see what's coming.

While you stay in the flat with low rent, you have flexibility that is valuable.

I can tell you that it can feel heartbreaking to live in a house that was chosen for the sake of a baby who never came (for us it was secondary infertility after we planned for #2 but I then had a series of miscarriages).

Live your life to the full where you are. It is not on hold. When your IVF is successful you will be fine in the flat at first - plan to move when the baby is 18 months old.

If that day sadly never comes, make new plans where you chose where to live without the shadow of might-have-beens hanging over you.

How badly do you want children? You are in a time crunch being in yours 30s in regards to fertility so I can understand your husbands POV however a child in a small flat would be hard, and harder to move from if the funds have been depleted. Is there a middle ground? A cheaper home or less of a deposit and a IVF round. You’re thinking worst case scenario these rounds fail, which is understandable and the money will be used up, but it may only take 1/2 rounds you just don’t know. If children is something you truly want right now I’m on your husbands perspective. You have a secure home, regardless of size, to start a family.

I would carry on with life if it was me. But then I was never desperate for kids.

If you choose this route and he is desperate for children, be prepared for that to come to a head at some point