DH wants to put our lives on hold for IVF - AIBU?

So many troopers on this thread. I’m going onto my 5th and final IVF cycle soon.
op, I was in the same boat as you. I decided to move though because I also felt like I was keeping my life on hold. It’s a tough one and I may regret moving, it felt right for me at the time though.

Then you should stay where you are until you know if IVF works or not.

Don’t underestimate the effects of stress and unhappiness on the success of IVF. Whilst house moving is stressful, there will be more stress for you in feeling stuck in a flat, or that you “must” get pregnant in order to be allowed to progress your life.

Id move if that’s what you want to do. There are expensive areas of Surrey and cheaper areas. Compromise on this, not moving altogether

I would wait to be honest. It’s really hard when you feel your life is on hold but unless you would make the exact same decision on where to live and what size house regardless of kids it’s not worth it in the long run. We did the opposite - bought a small 1 bed flat in London when prices were high as I thought they would just keep getting higher - we knew we needed to do IVF and were told the chance of success at my age and with my egg reserves was less than 10%. I was impatient to buy, loved the flat and decided in my mind and based on what the doctors said that kids were unlikely but if we did end up having a baby we’d sell again down the line. Turned out IVF worked on the first cycle and we had to sell the flat less than two years after buying, losing a lot of money on stamp duty in the process. Should have just been patient and kept renting. Good luck with your IVF btw, fingers crossed it works in the end!

We had three rounds of IVF and did move from a city centre flat to a house in the suburbs while going through infertility. It was a bit different in that I didn’t like the area the flat was in (I had moved in with my husband) and we were both fed up of living in a small and very hot flat with no outside space during Covid so we wanted to move regardless of how the IVF turned out.

We chose a house that was well below our maximum possible budget and took an offset mortgage to keep funds available for further treatment if needed. Things worked out well for us in that the IVF was eventually successful - personally I’m glad we decided to move when we did, but only because I didn’t like where we lived previously. Though, if I’d had a crystal ball to know the IVF would work I wouldn’t have chosen the house we live in now so from that point of view I think it would’ve been better to have waited until either the IVF worked or we decided not to pursue further treatment before choosing a house.

I think if you are otherwise happy there’s a lot to be said for staying where you are; good access to and choice of clinics, ability to save money for treatment and flexibility to choose a suitable next home once you know what your future is likely to look like. Good luck with your treatment

IVF is such a slog. Wishing you all the best with it. I personally needed to make my life as stress free as possible while we were going through it . There were so many decisions to make about IVF that I don't think I could have trusted my judgement to make decisions about something as huge as buying a house.
We set a limit of 2 self funded egg collections (hate that term still) after our 1 NHS try before we would reassess what to do next.

This. What is the point of moving if you don't know what sort of move you are making? Just stay where you are for now.

I would prioritise IVF both in terms of time and money. New houses and towns will be there your whole life. If you don't have a child you may make different decisions anyway. You have a limited window of time to conceive.

I say this as someone who had 7 rounds of IVF.

I think its sensible to stay put to be honest, for the time being. Keep things settled and affordable, and then see what happens. Moving house is such a massive ballache and I think if its avoidable then I wouldn't try and do IVF around the same time. Two of life's most stressful events right there.

I had IVF in our small terraced house with no garden, but I had plenty of money as life was cheap. I had my friends around me, I lived not too far from the clinic. It was good. I was very lucky and it worked first time on the NHS funded cycle and we moved house into a more family friendly home when DD was 3. I probably would have stayed in that house had I not become pregnant - it was a good little house that suited me fine and I had plenty of disposable income to live a fulfilling life.

Would the area you’d move to be different if you don’t end up having children? If yes, then wait to move as you don’t know what will happen. If you’d move there regardless then that’s different.

I’d stay in the flat too, it sounds like you are only moving if you have children. I’d reassess in a couple of years I think.

I also think your DH is right. Focus onthe IVF whilst you have the financial flexibility. Moving house can be very stressful... why put yourself through more stress... Maybe postpone it for a year and then take a view.

It's not really putting your lives on hold.. you'd be working on your IVF and moving forward with that.

Wishing you all the best, with whatever you decide

This

I funded 5 private ivf cycles to get my one and only ever bfp. Mini blondes is now 8

i was in a3 bed hiuse so no issues

but had friends similar to you

In a flat. Wanted kids. They ended up buying a 4 bed house , hoping for 2 kids and spare bedroom

she never fell lreg ans gave up at 4 cycles

perownllg I would have carried on. I get it hard having myself 4 failed but if this cutie failed we would have tried no 6

she now in a huge house rattling with empty rooms that was meant to to be filled with kids and laughter and isn’t

yes we all hope ivf works. Often it doesn’t

stay in flat. Save money. Keep doing cycles. If need be move if preg or move into an adult house if don’t

good luck

He sounds sensible and it's more 'wait and see' than putting life on hold. You're still living, in a great spot by the sounds of it. Doesn't make sense to live that yet and buy a family home not knowing if the family will happen, that could make the house feel like a mistake and reminder of a sad thing, rather than waiting and buying the right place, hopefully for a family but who knows at this point. IVF alone is enough reason to stay put without the stress of moving and with a more affordable rent. The housing market is unpredictable and not a reason to buy right now if you've already waited this long.

I'd buy but go for something modest that would enable funding more IVF OR lots of holidays and a fun life depending on what happens in the future. Rather than stretching the budget for a large family home.

I know it's one of those annoying things that people say ("it'll happen when you least expect it...") but if the IVF does work, it'll probably do so at the most inconvenient time so I'd try and take advantage of a bit of sods law!

Would you still want to move to a bigger family house if you don’t have children? Surely it makes more sense to see if you need a bigger house first?

From my experience I'd put a limit on the number of cycles and reassess once you've got there, wherever you are. I also took big time gaps between cycles to emotionally recover, but that was just what worked for me. Wishing you the best of luck.

I agree with the pause and the one thing after another. And which house suits you is almost always going to depend on your life, of which the kids question is a major factor, so no point putting that specific cart before the horse in these circumstances.

I deliberately arranged a gap between jobs, focused massively diet etc and had x6 failed cycles followed by a miscarriage.
Decided for a last go when clinics reopened in Covid, nightmare busy at work and had to leave at 5am to get to clinic before work. Full expectation failure, older, quoted 4% success. Guess which one worked?

Fertility planning is hugely consuming - can I book this trip, where will I be in any cycle, not wanting to commit to stuff or explain to friends and family why you are being hazy. I would ask where you are personally? Do you need the headspace or are you over putting your life on hold for something that may not happen?

@Dazedandconfused6as someone who experienced infertility and IVF I know how stressful and exhausting IVF is. I’m sure you already know that the likelihood of success is usually highest in the first 3 rounds of IVF, which doesn’t mean that further rounds are bound to fail, but does mean the odds shift. Personally I would get on with life as much as possible, don’t let IVF dominate any more than it already does. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide.

This ^ absolutely