Parents wanted my DP to approach them about proposal

Don't give in to this garbage. It's not 1825. What happened to feminism. If someone asked my parents for my hand in marriage that would be the end of the relationship. Good God.

If my Husband had asked my Dad for permission, my answer would have been no because I am not property being traded. Luckily I married a man that realised this and the only person ever asked was me! I feel that strongly about it that had this conversation ever taken place, I wouldn't have married him as he wouldn't have been the person for me.

I would let them sulk and say luckily your partner realises the only person he needs to ask is you and they need to get over themselves. I would be asking why they feel that their permission is required, because people spout tradition without thinking about why this was done. I am surprised that anyone still even does this and hope that its just lack of thinking about the reasoning behind it.

What year are you parents living in?

An ex of mine did speak to my parents (it was decided ago) but had already asked me and I knew he was going to talk to them!

Current Mr starfish didn't but I was much older!

Your parents sound crazy. I’ll be telling the DP to run

My husband didn’t ask my dad. When we went to tell them, immediately after he’d proposed (so they certainly weren’t kept in the dark or anything), my mother’s first words were, ‘I hope you’ll give us more notice of the wedding than you did the engagement!’ She probably doesn’t remember that but I’ll never forget it.
You’re absolutely right and I’d tell the, to knock it off!

I would consider it a red flag if any future SIL asked DH if he could marry DD, and would gently ask her about his views on the split of household chores, children, etc.

I always made it clear that I would not have married DH if he had asked my dad for permission. It’s not a quaint tradition. It’s perpetuation of misogyny.

An ex asked my father for his approval whereupon my father snorted and quite pithily informed my beau that it wasn't his decision to make and that said beau should ask me....

Ex may qive you a clue to what the answer was.

Actually, scrub that - tell your Dad you asked your Dp's mother for his hand and she said no....

OMG!

OP: tell your Dad that you asked your Dp's Dad for your Dp's hand in marriage and he said no, so you're eloping.

I am mid 60s - and had any man approached my Dad and asked any such thing he (Dad) would have been appalled. And I suspect Mum would have said she had qualms about me marrying anyone who had truck with such sexist patriarchal nonsense!

I don't know anyone my age whose agreement on marriage involved asking the parents.

FFS - why did my Mum's generation bother with putting all that work into feminism and protecting women's rights at all?

There are harmless fun cultural traditions, and then there are the ones that are truly based in sexism - and even 'doing it as a nod to tradition' is perpetuating something really horrible.

IMO.

Same here.

There was a sitcom years back, I don’t remember which so have added names.

Mum to dad ‘Harry has just phoned. He’s coming round to see you.’

Dad: ’What’s he want? I’m busy.’

Mum ‘I think he wants to ask you for Sally’s hand.’

Dad ‘Can’t imagine why. He didn’t ask me three years ago when he had the rest of her!’

Times have changed.

It's an outdated and misogynistic concept anyway

It is bizarre - it's like the Hallmark movization of weddings and a return to Jane Austen etiquette when women were regarded as chattels and not allowed to own any property/money themselves so marriage was basically a business transaction between the men - father and future husband.

I am in the same generation as your parents - I'm 63 and DH is 69 and married for 32 years. I would have refused to marry anyone who asked my father's permission. My father was born in 1924 and would have been bemused to have been asked.

Stick to your guns OP.

I think it's a grim ritual, reminding women of their status as property. A status they may have - just - left behind legally, but which persists across all cultures to an alarming degree.

Other historically opressed groups have been more successful at making degrading treatment socially unacceptable. But misogyny is so deeply interwoven it often goes unquestioned.

(I am fun at parties, honestly)

I immediately thought of Mr Bennett too! "An unhappy alternative is before you, Elizabeth. From this day you must be a stranger to one of your parents. Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins, and I will never see you again if you do."

Your parents are being ridiculous, sexist and offensive. Like you say, you’re not a possession to be given away, and you’re the only one whose opinion on the proposal is relevant. Your parents need to get into this century.

Not sure why anyone thinks that a prospective FIL stating it’s not his decision to make, is such a great response. Surely the boyfriend isn’t asking if he can marry the man’s daughter, but rather for permission to ask her? It is ALWAYS her decision. Load of old nonsense though imo!

I love her name - Thomasina - should be the name of your first born DD. She sounds a hoot.

You should ask your dad how many camels or goats he’s expecting in return… outdated bloody custom

Interesting. What about a son in love? Should we instigate a "tradition" of women asking their partners' mothers for their hand in marriage, just in case they can spot any red flags the boys can't because they're too distracted by the romance of it all to make a good choice of wife?

They are being ridiculous. I'm in my 60s and would laugh if dd's partner did this.

If my dds bfs asked my DH for his permission to marry his dd I know my DH would lose respect for them and refer them to the appropriate dd.

Women are not owned by men or property to be passed on.

Also, are they calling you free spirited and headstrong as insults, because they sound like compliments to me 😂

"thanks dad, yeah I am free spirited aren't I, I love being me"