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I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

393 replies

Strugglingsoul19 · 25/06/2025 12:27

Hi
I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now.

I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC.
prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else.
me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years.
I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP.
financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue.
I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self.
I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others.
im completely stuck.

OP posts:
Strugglingsoul19 · 25/06/2025 22:38

Tiswa · 25/06/2025 22:35

Do you have it all legalised in terms of residence

Yes, he legally is to remain with me.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 25/06/2025 22:35

Do you have it all legalised in terms of residence

Strugglingsoul19 · 25/06/2025 22:35

LookingAtMyBhunas · 25/06/2025 22:29

Oliver is lucky to have you. Is his mum in the picture at all?
You deserve happiness. I hope the WhatsApp is just being digested.
Do you know how far along you are?

In and out over the years but not consistently.

he calls me mum ( his choice ) but knows I’m not.

he is however the centre of most arguments between me and DH familiy. Not his fault of course.

My youngest has no idea about anything that has happened.. my eldest is very aware as older but she is a very good egg and has been amazing. It may sound like they have a really hard life but obviously there has been a traumatic event but on a day to day basis they are enjoying life now and they lead a fairly normal one considering. At first I wasn’t sure if that was going to be possible !

OP posts:
Anxioustealady · 25/06/2025 22:34

LavendersBlueeee · 25/06/2025 22:15

We’d have to disagree then. I’m not sure how old the OP is, but I said about them having a baby together later on if that’s an option (and that’s what they’d want). I just think when their relationship is newly out in the open, it would be nice for them to enjoy that and have the existing children get used to all of that without throwing a new baby into the mix as well. It sounds like they could all be really happy as things currently are, so just my opinion, it would be a questionable choice to potentially disrupt that with a new baby when the situation is so new and could potentially be fractious. It would be good for the existing children to get used to the new situation first and they might be more comfortable and accepting if it’s not the bombshell of their dad’s best mate and their godfather now being with their mum, coupled with BAM! a baby to change things even further.

I understand what you're saying, but I don't think we can ever take that we'll be able to conceive again for granted, so I don't think aborting a child you both want because the timing isn't perfect is the right thing to do.

It could become a massive regret, even if they do go on to have another baby.

But yes we can agree to disagree :)

LookingAtMyBhunas · 25/06/2025 22:29

Oliver is lucky to have you. Is his mum in the picture at all?
You deserve happiness. I hope the WhatsApp is just being digested.
Do you know how far along you are?

LavendersBlueeee · 25/06/2025 22:15

Anxioustealady · 25/06/2025 14:51

I disagree with this. It's quite common for women who are a bit older (I'm guessing as OP already has children) to get an abortion and then not be able to conceive again.

If OP and her boyfriend want a child together, I don't think it not being the perfect time makes it reasonable to have an abortion.

We’d have to disagree then. I’m not sure how old the OP is, but I said about them having a baby together later on if that’s an option (and that’s what they’d want). I just think when their relationship is newly out in the open, it would be nice for them to enjoy that and have the existing children get used to all of that without throwing a new baby into the mix as well. It sounds like they could all be really happy as things currently are, so just my opinion, it would be a questionable choice to potentially disrupt that with a new baby when the situation is so new and could potentially be fractious. It would be good for the existing children to get used to the new situation first and they might be more comfortable and accepting if it’s not the bombshell of their dad’s best mate and their godfather now being with their mum, coupled with BAM! a baby to change things even further.

Strugglingsoul19 · 25/06/2025 22:01

Anxioustealady · 25/06/2025 22:01

You are so kind to look after your stepson so well even after your husband passed away ❤️

His been with me since before he could walk his mine whatever everyone’s opinions on step mums are ❤️

OP posts:
Anxioustealady · 25/06/2025 22:01

Strugglingsoul19 · 25/06/2025 21:49

Yes he remains with me here but he is not treated any differently actually his probably the one that has me wrapped around his little finger 😂

You are so kind to look after your stepson so well even after your husband passed away ❤️

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 25/06/2025 21:51

Well, you’re clearly caring and capable and have provided him and his sisters with a stable home and family, in the face of terrible circumstances.

Good luck! You deserve happiness.

Strugglingsoul19 · 25/06/2025 21:49

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 25/06/2025 21:46

Do you have custody of Oliver? I can’t see how they can really make it an issue, it might be a surprise but there’s nothing they can really complain about.

Yes he remains with me here but he is not treated any differently actually his probably the one that has me wrapped around his little finger 😂

OP posts:
OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 25/06/2025 21:46

Do you have custody of Oliver? I can’t see how they can really make it an issue, it might be a surprise but there’s nothing they can really complain about.

Strugglingsoul19 · 25/06/2025 21:44

I sent it anyway
has been read but no reply yet.

OP posts:
Strugglingsoul19 · 25/06/2025 21:43

Oliver ( not real name ) will be the number 1 issue well what they will use as an issue.

OP posts:
Strugglingsoul19 · 25/06/2025 21:42

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 25/06/2025 21:41

I assumed Oliver was OP’s son and the two girl names were SDC

*edit, see it’s DSS

Edited

No the girls are mine Oliver is stepson. :)

OP posts:
OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 25/06/2025 21:41

I assumed Oliver was OP’s son and the two girl names were SDC

*edit, see it’s DSS

Strugglingsoul19 · 25/06/2025 21:41

WTF987 · 25/06/2025 21:33

I wouldn't use the last part about son (I assume he's Oliver) being a priority.

Could you say something along the lines of how Josh also loved Oliver and has so many wonderful stories of their friendship, he's truly someone who will help you keep Olivers memory alive for your girls?

Oliver not real name is my step son - sorry should have said that

OP posts:
WTF987 · 25/06/2025 21:33

I wouldn't use the last part about son (I assume he's Oliver) being a priority.

Could you say something along the lines of how Josh also loved Oliver and has so many wonderful stories of their friendship, he's truly someone who will help you keep Olivers memory alive for your girls?

Strugglingsoul19 · 25/06/2025 20:37

Does this sound okay ( changed names )

hi Lily
hope you are all well and you managed to finish the garden the other day.
I wanted to let you know that Josh and I are in a relationship. It is now serious enough for me to tell people about it. I know the children may mention it so I thought it was best placed coming from me to prevent any confusion.
I Understand previous concerns regarding any future relationships and Oliver but he will always remain the priority along side Kate and Millie.

have a nice evening

Sarah

OP posts:
Lilactimes · 25/06/2025 18:55

Just want to add one other thing @Strugglingsoul19 - I posted earlier saying this could me the start of a wonderful period of your life. I still think this!!
It’s could to see your later posts slightly more humerous and hopeful ❤️

when you tell your ex’ family - a large part of any upset could be worry on their part about still seeing their GC - who are their last link to their DS.

When you get to the point of telling them, and setting boundaries - it may be good to really reassure them they will have good access too. Talk through with them what that looks like for them.
In their minds they will be worried whether they will see their GC if you move on. Perhaps longer more boundary driven visits could work out xx

Coco9910 · 25/06/2025 18:39

I think everyone has already given you great advice but I didn’t want to comment and not respond. I just want to say you deserve a second chance at happiness. People will judge, but you only get one shot at this life..do what makes your heart happy. I’m wishing you all the luck with whatever you decide to do!

BMW6 · 25/06/2025 16:59

Strugglingsoul19 · 25/06/2025 16:09

I should add DH was not a bad man - he went from a career driven but family man to a different person who was all of a sudden an addict, depressed and it was a shock to everyone.

I totally get it, truly.

Addiction is a monster that possesses the person we know and love. It's NOT them at the end. The man you fell in love with would want you to move on and be happy, honestly. The person who the addiction destroyed was not him.

Addiction destroyed his life. Please, please don't let it ruin yours too. You can beat it - for you, your love, and your late husband.

Go for it ! Carpet Diem!

Bowup · 25/06/2025 16:46

This sounds more like the after effects of being in a very controlling and abusive relationship OP.
Where you are hyper vigilant and looking to appease even though he has gone, it’s time to put yourself first and enjoy life 💐
Please seek counselling for this, it’s 2 years on and aborting a wanted child from a loving relationship is a bit of an abnormal response, sorry I do mean that kindly. Congrats on your pregnancy btw. I would matter of factly state the situation when the time is right with the pregnancy and not be drawn into any ‘please explain yourself’ conversations.

thepariscrimefiles · 25/06/2025 16:39

LBFseBrom · 25/06/2025 15:27

'They' ? Is there more than one, don't you mean him/he?

Now I have read this, he sounds a bit much and needs to slow down. You are being overwhelmed.

Think carefully before making any decision that will impact the lives of you and your children.

She is talking about her late DH's parents, not her new partner. They are the overbearing ones.

Namechangean · 25/06/2025 16:35

Strugglingsoul19 · 25/06/2025 15:18

Yes, I had made plans to start separating and he threatened like so many times before and I didn’t reply to the voicemail.

Im so sorry that happened to you. You deserve to be happy and it’s time now to stop letting him control you

jeaux90 · 25/06/2025 16:33

Do you want another baby? Would you just like to enjoy the new relationship and life being good after everything you have been through? Absolutely go for it if you want of course.

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