Page 6 | I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

Strugglingsoul19 · 2025-06-25T11:27:37+00:00

Hi I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now. I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC. prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else. me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years. I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP. financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue. I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self. I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others. im completely stuck.

makingthecut · 26/06/2025 18:29

@Strugglingsoul19I’m so pleased you have had good responses from your family and your best friend to the relationship. It was always going to be a harder sell for your in-laws but you don’t owe them a life of living in the shadow of what happened to you all. You and your children deserve continued love and happiness.

They can say all they want but they don’t have rights here beyond any grandparent.

AutumnFog · 26/06/2025 17:52

This relationship seems far better for the DC than a relationship with a stranger.
I would imagine if your in laws are reasonable people they will prefer it to you being with someone unknown.
I'd decide based on what you will regret down the line and what you actually want rather than what you think other people may think.

Greenvases · 26/06/2025 17:47

Live your life.
Continue to move forward.
Do not give your dead abusive husband's parents such agency over your life.

You have been through court.it has been agreed.
You have been respectful.
Time to step gently back, keep your plans and general business to yourself.

You have no need of their approval or opinions on your life going forward.

They need to be respectful of you or they will see a lot less of you.

DollieBantrysPantry · 26/06/2025 17:36

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 16:37

I text my mum 🤣 and you were right everyone knew !!!!!

Fabulous 😂😂😂😂

HeyThereDelila · 26/06/2025 17:18

I wouldn’t terminate for these reasons. Imagine if you and the new partner stay together for years or forever, and you’ve terminated your baby?

Don’t have an abortion for this reason. What happened to your DP is very sad, but you have a right to rebuild your life and his family don’t have a right to expect you to live in perpetual widowhood.

HeyThereDelila · 26/06/2025 17:18

I wouldn’t terminate for these reasons. Imagine if you and the new partner stay together for years or forever, and you’ve terminated your baby?

Don’t have an abortion for this reason. What happened to your DP is very sad, but you have a right to rebuild your life and his family don’t have a right to expect you to live in perpetual widowhood.

Original poster

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 17:02

WTF987 · 26/06/2025 16:57

😂😂😂😂

All the people that care about you - your mum, friends etc, they all knew ages ago. They didn't care, just let you talk about it when you were ready.

You have an amazing support system, boyfriend sounds supportive, 3 amazing kids and another on the way. You have so much joy in your life don't let the negativity of your ex-in-laws bring that joy down. Like you said they want you to fail and give them your step son. They're always going to nitpick. Ignore them.

I forgot my dad has to drive past my house after his shift at 2 am 😭😭😭😭😭😂😂😂😂😂

OP posts:

EagerLemur · 26/06/2025 16:57

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 13:22

There is always an issue though

They do not like my work hours ( which in my opinion are better for a family
They do not like my choice in schools
They do not like my routines

do not get me wrong I think they focus on DSS but it’s the same for my children the difference is they are mine so they don’t highlight it as much and use DSS as a way to highlight their concerns.

Edited

Well you are the legal guardian of all of your children, they have no say in any matter, I think maybe you have given the family too much air time, it is your life, your children, they are happy and coming to no harm, maybe after the tragedy of two years ago you needed them and their input, but now you are moving on, are capable of making decisions and it's time to distance their input.

They may be shocked at first when you tell them thanks for your in put but now please drop it. No more just breezing over you, at least now openly you will have the support of your man to back you up, whereas before maybe you felt a bit powerless against them.
Of course they are family and will be in the childrens lives, but must have clear boundaries, good luck to you, and I hope you keep us all posted about your amazing future

WTF987 · 26/06/2025 16:57

😂😂😂😂

All the people that care about you - your mum, friends etc, they all knew ages ago. They didn't care, just let you talk about it when you were ready.

You have an amazing support system, boyfriend sounds supportive, 3 amazing kids and another on the way. You have so much joy in your life don't let the negativity of your ex-in-laws bring that joy down. Like you said they want you to fail and give them your step son. They're always going to nitpick. Ignore them.

Original poster

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 16:37

I text my mum 🤣 and you were right everyone knew !!!!!

I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

OP posts:

Original poster

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 16:18

I wanted to say thank you for everyone’s kind words.
I do feel better today and relieved that at least that part is out.
I have to say it’s my youngest daughters bbq on Sunday - might be slightly awkward seen as “ Josh “is doing the actually bbq 😂
Which also reminded me I should probably fill my mum in to or she is going to be “ have I missed a few chapters here “ 🙈😂

thank you all so much ❤️

OP posts:

Smartpic · 26/06/2025 15:03

Being charitable, maybe they’re worried about their grandchild being pushed down the pecking order, and some reassurance that the recent changes do not change the fact that all your children, including him, will remain your priority as you love them all

Original poster

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 14:13

EmotionallyWeird · 26/06/2025 14:07

I think your letter sounds perfect.

I also think that in your heart of hearts you are leaning towards having the baby. I world not judge you at all if you didn't, but it has to be what really want. The right to choose includes the right to choose to keep the baby, and babies have been born into much worse situations and thrived.

Just wondering, do your late DP's parents like "Josh"? If so, it might be helpful if you went to see them together some time. Depending on exactly what they're like, seeing that he's happy and genuinely wants to support you all (not necessarily financially), including DSS, might help them come to terms with it all.

I think maybe this may all be positive, it gives me a chance now to really stand up for us all.

the children have in my option a wonderful life, they have been through a significant trauma and it has not always been easy.

we have a lovely home, horses which they love ( we have always had horses ) they go to good schools and have supportive family and friends. I work 7 nights on and 14 nights off with a “ good “ income but maybe not by mumsnet standards 😂
with additional income from lessons

on a day to day basis they don’t have a care in the world and I think it’s time to realise that we don’t need them - we obviously want them but it should be on our terms.

OP posts:

40YearOldDad · 26/06/2025 14:11

It doesn't really matter what they think should happen to the money, etc.; it's what legally has to happen to it. After that, it's down to you.

Your relationship will, of course, cause some ears to be pricked up, due to the dynamic previously. That was always going to happen, 2 years or 10 down the line.

EmotionallyWeird · 26/06/2025 14:07

I think your letter sounds perfect.

I also think that in your heart of hearts you are leaning towards having the baby. I world not judge you at all if you didn't, but it has to be what really want. The right to choose includes the right to choose to keep the baby, and babies have been born into much worse situations and thrived.

Just wondering, do your late DP's parents like "Josh"? If so, it might be helpful if you went to see them together some time. Depending on exactly what they're like, seeing that he's happy and genuinely wants to support you all (not necessarily financially), including DSS, might help them come to terms with it all.

HairsprayBabe · 26/06/2025 14:07

They can believe what they want about the house and the money, they can also believe that pigs can fly, doesn't mean they are right.

I know you are carrying guilt from your DHs death but it was not your fault and his parents have no right to dictate how you live. You are beyond within your rights to tell them what's what and that their bonkers input is not needed.

Please please be firmer with them and create some more boundaries in your life.

Namechangean · 26/06/2025 14:02

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 13:50

They believed at the time and were quite vocal
about it that they believed any money that came to me should be put aside for the children when they were older.
they all have trust funds and equal ones at that, I still pay in to them and actually can pay in more now because I don’t have mortgage payments. Also now the house is there for the children to.

Edited

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I truly hope you find the strength to put them in their place at some point. They have a lot of opinions and you are well within your right to tell them you don’t want to hear their opinions, you want them to see your children, but they are grandparents and don’t get any input and it’s time for them to take a step back as you start rebuilding your life without your DH. You were his wife and you are their mother and you get to decide all of these things. Well done on starting that process and congratulations on your pregnancy!

WhereIsMyJumper · 26/06/2025 13:59

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 13:50

They believed at the time and were quite vocal
about it that they believed any money that came to me should be put aside for the children when they were older.
they all have trust funds and equal ones at that, I still pay in to them and actually can pay in more now because I don’t have mortgage payments. Also now the house is there for the children to.

Edited

Show quote history

They have absolutely no right to dictate this to you. The insurance went to you, your late husbands assets went to you (as they should) it is up to you what you do with it and FWIW, I think buying a new house and being mortgage free is very sensible and it benefits all of your children, including your step son. It’s not as if you blew all the money and then proceeded to neglect your children!

You need firmer boundaries with these people. They have no right to dictate. You are step son’s legal guardian.

chaosmaker · 26/06/2025 13:54

@Strugglingsoul19 again, they are bonkers. You and late husband both contributed to the house you had together and with you paying more towards the end. Do they think that the children don't need somewhere to currently live? Madness.

Edited for typo

OnTheBoardwalk · 26/06/2025 13:51

I also can’t see why they would have any input into your living arrangements. Just shut them down if they start

Original poster

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 13:50

Namechangean · 26/06/2025 13:47

And why do you think they would feel able to have in put on that? What would their problem be?

Show quote history

They believed at the time and were quite vocal
about it that they believed any money that came to me should be put aside for the children when they were older.
they all have trust funds and equal ones at that, I still pay in to them and actually can pay in more now because I don’t have mortgage payments. Also now the house is there for the children to.

OP posts:

Namechangean · 26/06/2025 13:47

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 13:46

I should add the house we are living in is a new house.

the old house was in both our names and with both equal in terms of deposit although mortgage payments towards the end was mainly me.
with insurance money the first thing I wanted to do was get out that house. It was what was needed.
I sold house when insurance money came through and bought a new house and became mortgage free.

Edited

And why do you think they would feel able to have in put on that? What would their problem be?

Original poster

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 13:46

I should add the house we are living in is a new house.

the old house was in both our names and with both equal in terms of deposit although mortgage payments towards the end was mainly me.
with insurance money the first thing I wanted to do was get out that house. It was what was needed.
I sold house when insurance money came through and bought a new house and became mortgage free.

OP posts:

Namechangean · 26/06/2025 13:40

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 13:37

I know the house and who financed it will also be a problem going forward - I wonder if this is what they mean by accomadation ?

Edited

Because your DH purchased it? Or did they help? Again, even if they gave DH money, unless there’s something legal in writing, the house went to you and that’s the end of it. Nothing to do with them.

HairsprayBabe · 26/06/2025 13:39

@Strugglingsoul19 I assumed it would be a tricky process, from what you have said - and let me know if I am wrong - your exILs feel that they are the "real" family of DSS because of biology and therefore feel that they should have more say than you do. Irrespective of the fact you raised him from babyhood and are by all intents and purposes his mother.

I would definitely respond saying that there is nothing else to discuss that you are DSS legal guardian, and his home is with you.

Then, if it is something that you and DSS want look into the adoption route as I think it would make them realise you are his "real" family and he isn't going to be dropped for a new boyfriend or baby if that is there concern.