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Original poster

I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

393 replies

Strugglingsoul19 · 25/06/2025 12:27

Hi
I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now.

I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC.
prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else.
me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years.
I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP.
financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue.
I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self.
I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others.
im completely stuck.

OP posts:
SaltyCara · 26/06/2025 23:06

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 22:55

All she’s replied is

He apologised over and over again for the mistake you were a couple and he wasn’t in the right frame of mind you know he loved you and the children and would not have done anything to hurt you intentionally when he was well.

we will speak at a more reasonable time

Just to say, you don't have to reply to her message at all 🙂 You asked her for space:

for now I think it’s best we stay away from one another until you can understand that it was never me that was the reason but his own actions that meant he saw no other way out.

You don't have to agree to her DEMAND that you will speak at a more reasonable time. You can just leave that as the last message between you for a while. No response is a response and all that.

Londonrach1 · 26/06/2025 23:02

You are amazing strong lady op. Stand your ground here. You have so much love and support around you.

Original poster
Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 22:55

All she’s replied is

He apologised over and over again for the mistake you were a couple and he wasn’t in the right frame of mind you know he loved you and the children and would not have done anything to hurt you intentionally when he was well.

we will speak at a more reasonable time

OP posts:
SpryCat · 26/06/2025 22:48

It sounds like your future with your man, new baby and DC is going to be full of love and happiness. Well done on letting everyone know you are in a new relationship and ready to move on. X

Original poster
Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 22:48

crumblingschools · 26/06/2025 22:46

That sounds a great system @Strugglingsoul19

Yes it is, one day my sister may want to move out but at the moment she is a broke strudent so it works 😂😂

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 26/06/2025 22:46

That sounds a great system @Strugglingsoul19

DontTouchRoach · 26/06/2025 22:43

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 20:42

So knew it was going to come eventually and she was processing what to say I have to re write it to change names

no names are the same

” Sophie “ I’m sorry I didn’t respond fully yesterday but this has taken us sometime to process and “ katie “ is very upset ( DH sister )
It all feels too soon, we know “Jake “ had his reservations surrounding where you were during night shifts during your relationship and this was a continuous cause of upset. “ katie “ is sad that he may have been right all along due to what seems to have been a quick moving on process with no other than his close friend.
we would like to be reassured that there is no plans for him to move in to the family home and be a parent to the children especially considering “ lola “ will have no memory of her father, this is out of respect for Jake who adored his children and we understand that you are entitled to a relationship but it should not involve the children and whether it be “ Josh “ or any other relationship be mindful of no one becoming an alternative father for them.
we also respectfully ask that “Josh” does not stay overnight in the house especially proving childcare now or in the future whilst you are at work.
we will be happy to have the children the weeks you work so this can be avoided.

Who the actual flying fuck do these horrible cunts think they are?

None of this - literally NONE - is any of their business. They cannot tell you who to have a relationship with, or make any requests regarding who does and doesn’t stay in YOUR home with YOUR children (including your stepson who you clearly adore and are a wonderful mother to).

I’m honestly raging at the audacity of this woman. I would be inclined to speak to a solicitor at this point. They cannot possibly dictate to you who you date, when you date and who you, the parent, introduce to your children. So your former husband’s sister is upset - well, sorry, but so fucking what?? Being related to your late DH doesn’t mean any of these horrid people are allowed to control you. The children are yours, not theirs. Legally, grandparents don’t usually have any automatic right to even aee their grandchildren, let alone have a say in who their mother dates, where they go to school and what their routines are.

They’re basically harassing you. It’s horrendous and totally unacceptable.

You, by the way, sound utterly lovely, as does your new partner - and your mum and dad too. I wish you all the happiness in the world, especially with a new baby on the way.

SpryCat · 26/06/2025 22:42

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 22:40

it works well for me because I’m then at home for 2 weeks a month to spend solid time with them. I leave around an hour before they do to sleep and I’m there to collect them from school on the weeks I do work.

It sounds ideal and you have your sister looking after them on the nights you work. Your family sounds very supportive and loving.

Original poster
Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 22:40

it works well for me because I’m then at home for 2 weeks a month to spend solid time with them. I leave around an hour before they do to sleep and I’m there to collect them from school on the weeks I do work.

OP posts:
SpryCat · 26/06/2025 22:39

You were leaving with the children because staying would have destroyed you, his suicide obviously makes you feel guilt but you know it wasn’t your fault. He was so fucked up in the end, he pushed you with his behaviour to leave and he chose to end his life. You didn’t end his life, He did.
It’s been two years, life goes on and you deserve all the happiness in the world, your children need to live and be happy too.

Ninkynonkpinkyponks · 26/06/2025 22:36

That message from the in laws boils my blood and I’m just some stranger on the internet. How dare they!!!!

so controlling!!!

Original poster
Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 22:36

crumblingschools · 26/06/2025 22:32

Sorry if I have missed it, who looks after DC when you are working?

I work long nights 7 nights in a row and then off for 14 then on for 7.
my sister lives in the garden 😂 she moves in the house the nights I work. She doesn’t have to do much as they are all very good sleepers.
then youngest has a childminder during the day of my night shifts whilst the other are at school when I sleep.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 26/06/2025 22:32

Sorry if I have missed it, who looks after DC when you are working?

Original poster
Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 22:31

Now I have renamed my youngest for the last 2 days she is starting to look like a Lola 😂😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 22:30

Anxioustealady · 26/06/2025 22:28

It can be hard to stand up for yourself, but once they bring someone else into it (especially your children!) it's so easy. They were stupid to go there.

I think this will all be for the best in the end and you can set boundaries with them. I really do wish you and your family the best, and I LOVE that your best friend and parents were quietly supporting you, and waiting until you were ready to talk about the relationship. That's so sweet.

Show quote history

I have the best family, I am extremely lucky that I do. I know a lot of women who was in my position before the major incident do not have that luxery.
I will always be thankful for that.

OP posts:
YankSplaining · 26/06/2025 22:28

Ninkynonkpinkyponks · 26/06/2025 22:22

If you want this baby in any way in your heart, please don’t get rid of it just because of what your ex in law might think.

I don’t think you are seeing this clearly but it’s your feelings that matter not your late husbands parents

Yeah, these people and what they might think should not be controlling OP’s decision. This isn’t about what they want.

Bigcat25 · 26/06/2025 22:28

Wow. Their comments insinuating an affair when you were working are infuriating. How horrible of them. I do know someone who married the best friend of her husband after he died, so you aren't alone. I also know widows who remarried and the step dad moved in and was embraced into the new family.

Anxioustealady · 26/06/2025 22:28

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 22:20

It’s “ Lola “😭😭 the bringin up “ Lola “
I am still a mess but they have no right to use her name in the same setenve as he adored his children.

Show quote history

It can be hard to stand up for yourself, but once they bring someone else into it (especially your children!) it's so easy. They were stupid to go there.

I think this will all be for the best in the end and you can set boundaries with them. I really do wish you and your family the best, and I LOVE that your best friend and parents were quietly supporting you, and waiting until you were ready to talk about the relationship. That's so sweet.

Original poster
Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 22:28

I’m not doing it anymore, I can’t. He blamed his upbringing for everything.
nothing was ever his fault. I know they blame me because someone always needs someone to blame and I was leaving with the kids and they think that’s the reason why it happened.
there is not a day that goes by that I don’t blame myself in some way but I also know that I couldn’t of stayed I just needed to stay longer to sort DSS.

OP posts:
SpryCat · 26/06/2025 22:23

You @Strugglingsoul19 sound strong, you’ve come so far in two years, your DC (stepson included in DC) have a great mum, you’ve helped them through a traumatic time in their lives, moved house and still standing strong. Your man has been there for all of you too and he’s already part of the family in your DC’s eyes. You all deserve to move on and be happy. X

Ninkynonkpinkyponks · 26/06/2025 22:22

If you want this baby in any way in your heart, please don’t get rid of it just because of what your ex in law might think.

I don’t think you are seeing this clearly but it’s your feelings that matter not your late husbands parents

Aria2015 · 26/06/2025 22:21

Well done op. I think this pregnancy surprise has actually given you the push you needed to stop letting your in-laws trample over your boundaries and controlling how you live your life.

It's unforgivable that they should imply your late dh's delusions were correct and you were unfaithful, implying therefore that you had a hand in his decision to end his life. And it's ridiculous that they are in any way trying to dictate how you live your life and conduct your relationship with your partner.

Original poster
Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 22:20

Anxioustealady · 26/06/2025 22:18

OP I'm so impressed by the change in a couple days from considering everyone before yourself, to standing up to them like that.

Show quote history

It’s “ Lola “😭😭 the bringin up “ Lola “
I am still a mess but they have no right to use her name in the same setenve as he adored his children.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 26/06/2025 22:19

I’m glad you’re being firm. ‘The family home’ indeed! They mean YOUR home which they have no rights to dictate over.

Anxioustealady · 26/06/2025 22:18

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 22:15

how dare you ! Do you know how hard I worked to keep this family together. You absolutely know exactly what happened towards the end and you think it is appropriate to put “ Lola “ and adores his children in the same sentence. He admitted everything to you and you know the reason Lola would not have known her father whether he was around or not.
I don’t put blame on you for any of it and have not at all pushed any of you out of the children’s life despite how hard it watching people dote on him about how an incredible man he was. “ falling off the rails “ and addiction as you claim was never an excuse to what he did to us.
for now I think it’s best we stay away from one another until you can understand that it was never me that was the reason but his own actions that meant he saw no other way out.

I know parents think the sun shines out of their kids a ( not sure if we can swear on here ) but you are are deluded

” josh is far safer to be around the children than “ jake “had been in years and that’s what your really afraid of !

OP I'm so impressed by the change in a couple days from considering everyone before yourself, to standing up to them like that.