Page 3 | I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

Strugglingsoul19 · 2025-06-25T11:27:37+00:00

Hi I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now. I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC. prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else. me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years. I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP. financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue. I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self. I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others. im completely stuck.

Satisfiedkitty · 27/06/2025 20:10

Strugglingsoul19 · 27/06/2025 19:34

I just hope so much more will be done in the future I was lucky and the thing I’m most thankful for was that I managed to escape before he took me or/ and the children with him.

my parents think I need to go no contact with the Other side and the children but I don’t know if that’s fair or if boundaries would work.

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My experience is that, if you go low contact, with strong boundaries and about no emotional reaction, they get bored anyway.

Greenvases · 27/06/2025 20:01

OP,
I think space would be a really good idea.
Space for you to decide how much involvement you really want with these people.

Their son's actions combined with their actions mean they really are entitled to only what you want.

They need to realise that.
They sound enormously controlling.
I wouldn't want my children around them un supervised.

Take space and take your time to decide what is best for you as a family unit, separately from them.

Ahsheeit · 27/06/2025 19:57

Your thread, so take it in any direction you want to 😉

Original poster

Strugglingsoul19 · 27/06/2025 19:35

Sorry I realise this thread completely derailed from what the original point was !!!

but this has been the most I have spoken about it since and it’s helping 🙈

OP posts:

Original poster

Strugglingsoul19 · 27/06/2025 19:34

Satisfiedkitty · 27/06/2025 19:29

Absolutely agree, every word. As my therapist repeated, time and time again, you cannot fix it. You have to save yourself first.

Coercive control is terrifying, because it is often hidden, and we down play stuff, cover for them, and eventually it just becomes our normal.

You must put yourself first now. Your job is not to keep his parents happy, keep your boundaries strong and enjoy your freedom.

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I just hope so much more will be done in the future I was lucky and the thing I’m most thankful for was that I managed to escape before he took me or/ and the children with him.

my parents think I need to go no contact with the Other side and the children but I don’t know if that’s fair or if boundaries would work.

OP posts:

Satisfiedkitty · 27/06/2025 19:29

Strugglingsoul19 · 27/06/2025 18:57

All I can say to anyone reading is that coercive abuse does exist and it will escalate and despite any reason or cause ( mental health issue , substance abuse ) put your self first and don’t risk trying to solve it - that was my biggest mistake and I nearly left my children with no one trying to be understanding.
leave - it won’t get better !

Edited

Absolutely agree, every word. As my therapist repeated, time and time again, you cannot fix it. You have to save yourself first.

Coercive control is terrifying, because it is often hidden, and we down play stuff, cover for them, and eventually it just becomes our normal.

You must put yourself first now. Your job is not to keep his parents happy, keep your boundaries strong and enjoy your freedom.

Original poster

Strugglingsoul19 · 27/06/2025 18:57

All I can say to anyone reading is that coercive abuse does exist and it will escalate and despite any reason or cause ( mental health issue , substance abuse ) put your self first and don’t risk trying to solve it - that was my biggest mistake and I nearly left my children with no one trying to be understanding.
leave - it won’t get better !

OP posts:

Original poster

Strugglingsoul19 · 27/06/2025 18:52

Greenvases · 27/06/2025 18:42

If i was your mother I would be extremely pissed off and upset at all you have been put through by this man and now his family thinking they can dictate your life and that of your kids.

Grandparents or not, they are CF's whom have massively over stepped and need putting firmly in their place.

Yes my family are very good, the night I called for help I genuinely thought my dad was going to kill him. they have a lot of anger and they sort of suck it up because I am cautious of rocking the boats but I don’t think they are very happy right now and it’s getting harder to keep the peace between all.

they have the kids tonight though ( very rare in case someone thingks I palm them off ) but because I really don’t like them seeing me upset and they just see it as a sleepover at nanny’s.

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Greenvases · 27/06/2025 18:42

If i was your mother I would be extremely pissed off and upset at all you have been put through by this man and now his family thinking they can dictate your life and that of your kids.

Grandparents or not, they are CF's whom have massively over stepped and need putting firmly in their place.

Original poster

Strugglingsoul19 · 27/06/2025 18:37

Namechangean · 27/06/2025 18:26

F* them, this must be a tiring stressful day but in the long run this needed to happen for you to sever the last of the control your EXDH had on you through his family

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I think maybe if we good for them to get their anger even if it’s misplaced out ? It’s all clearly been on the surface for a while?

my only problem now is my parents are angry and as much I’m a grown women with kids I’m still their kid 🙈

OP posts:

Namechangean · 27/06/2025 18:26

Strugglingsoul19 · 27/06/2025 17:31

I know deep down none of it was my fault apart from maybe now seeing the severity of the escalation before it escalated beyond repair.
everyone tried to help him and I chose to give him the chance.
when I had made the decision to leave ( didn’t know I was pregnant at the time ) it was a difficult one I could not just up and leave with DSS. So I had to do it in a smart and calculated way. I did not find out I was pregnant until I was 18 weeks and then they caused another escalation which I then called for help.

up to those 2 incidences he had never laid a finger on me although in hindsight his behaviour had been escalating for a while I thought maybe we could help him, we couldn’t … no one could.

today has been a long day I knew my actions when sending that reply would cause arguments but I was angry and that’s exactly what it has done. A lot of things I suppose both sides maybe have wanted to say for a long time has been blurted out.

maybe it’s what has been needed rather than glossing over it including them some of the things are hurtful things about me not attending his funeral
things like that.

in terms of the incident it was not a clear case of that he “ assaulted me “ and I suppose even on here a lot of people would say “ you didn’t need back down and agree “ it although was manipulation not assault. - I disagree but it’s been a difficult one to process.

Edited

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F* them, this must be a tiring stressful day but in the long run this needed to happen for you to sever the last of the control your EXDH had on you through his family

Original poster

Strugglingsoul19 · 27/06/2025 17:31

RadioWhatsNew · 27/06/2025 16:36

@Strugglingsoul19 they don't deserve you. If I'm correct in my interpretation of what you have said then no he did not make a mistake! He made a deliberate choice and addiction or under the influence doesn't excuse it or make it correct. Nor does you being in a couple make it ok or acceptable to force yourself onto your wife.

His mother is a POS! I do not give one fuck that she is hurt or grieving, how can any woman try to make excuses for that even from a son it's unforgivable.

If this is their attitudes then really I think your beautiful children are better with reduced contact. Tell her to take her opinions elsewhere to the same place as her accusations to the far end of fuck off and to keep going some more, the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

You are not to blame for any of his action, not his addiction, not what he did to you, not one shred of his abuse or control or paranoia did you ask for or deserve. His death is not your fault.

He made his choices, sure some might have been mistakes, people do make mistakes but it's their behaviour afterwards that let's you know if it was a genuine mistake or if it was a choice. I suspect with your late husband it was the latter.

You're a damn good mother, you were leaving to protect your children. Do not let your in-laws dim your light like your late husband did.

I know deep down none of it was my fault apart from maybe now seeing the severity of the escalation before it escalated beyond repair.
everyone tried to help him and I chose to give him the chance.
when I had made the decision to leave ( didn’t know I was pregnant at the time ) it was a difficult one I could not just up and leave with DSS. So I had to do it in a smart and calculated way. I did not find out I was pregnant until I was 18 weeks and then they caused another escalation which I then called for help.

up to those 2 incidences he had never laid a finger on me although in hindsight his behaviour had been escalating for a while I thought maybe we could help him, we couldn’t … no one could.

today has been a long day I knew my actions when sending that reply would cause arguments but I was angry and that’s exactly what it has done. A lot of things I suppose both sides maybe have wanted to say for a long time has been blurted out.

maybe it’s what has been needed rather than glossing over it including them some of the things are hurtful things about me not attending his funeral
things like that.

in terms of the incident it was not a clear case of that he “ assaulted me “ and I suppose even on here a lot of people would say “ you didn’t need back down and agree “ it although was manipulation not assault. - I disagree but it’s been a difficult one to process.

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RadioWhatsNew · 27/06/2025 16:36

@Strugglingsoul19 they don't deserve you. If I'm correct in my interpretation of what you have said then no he did not make a mistake! He made a deliberate choice and addiction or under the influence doesn't excuse it or make it correct. Nor does you being in a couple make it ok or acceptable to force yourself onto your wife.

His mother is a POS! I do not give one fuck that she is hurt or grieving, how can any woman try to make excuses for that even from a son it's unforgivable.

If this is their attitudes then really I think your beautiful children are better with reduced contact. Tell her to take her opinions elsewhere to the same place as her accusations to the far end of fuck off and to keep going some more, the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

You are not to blame for any of his action, not his addiction, not what he did to you, not one shred of his abuse or control or paranoia did you ask for or deserve. His death is not your fault.

He made his choices, sure some might have been mistakes, people do make mistakes but it's their behaviour afterwards that let's you know if it was a genuine mistake or if it was a choice. I suspect with your late husband it was the latter.

You're a damn good mother, you were leaving to protect your children. Do not let your in-laws dim your light like your late husband did.

SpryCat · 27/06/2025 13:48

Oh @Strugglingsoul19, I get why you’re upset about ‘Lola’ being mentioned, that was below the belt! It’s different for them, of course they can’t move on from their son’s death but they have no right to dictate or stand in your way of moving on. They need to acknowledge that and also realise, the more they deflect the blame onto you and make it as awkward as possible, they need some sort of relationship in order to see the children regularly. Right this minute, they sound like they could try to poison the kids against you and your man, especially once they know you’re pregnant. There are no sides to pick, nor is it a competition but if they try to use the children against you, then they are unlikely to see much of them.

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 27/06/2025 11:46

I have just read all your posts, and I think you said like an incredibly brave women and an amazing mother. I hope you feel really proud of sticking up for yourself and your family, OP. Xxx

heldinadream · 27/06/2025 11:04

@Strugglingsoul19 I've read all your posts and on behalf of all decent grandparents I just want to say you rock, and I'm so happy for you that you've found happiness with a good man and congratulations on your pregnancy. 🥰

They, in reality, have no rights to muscle in on any of it.

40YearOldDad · 27/06/2025 10:50

Yes, I'd need a frank discussion with the MIL about it all. You've given her too much over the years, and now she thinks she has an actual say in how you raise your kids and who you want to bring into your life.

it's great she wants to be involved, but I'd make it very clear it's on your terms.

Original poster

Strugglingsoul19 · 27/06/2025 10:16

SpryCat · 27/06/2025 07:34

He apologised over and over again for the mistake you were a couple and he wasn’t in the right frame of mind you know he loved you and the children and would not have done anything to hurt you intentionally when he was well.

Mil has twisted the truth! He may have apologised over and over again for hurting you and your children but apologies are worthless if you don’t have any intentions of changing. He obviously needed to seek professional help, his life was falling apart through his own actions, but instead, he opted out of life. The person he may of been in the past is irrelevant, it had no bearing on how he’d been at the time and he was intentionally hurting you all! She is glossing over everything in order to twist the knife in your back, you are moving on and she doesn’t like the fact she isn’t in control of you all.
No one can force anyone with addiction problems to change or seek help, no one has the power to stop someone from being abusive. The only thing you were in control of was your actions, to leave, in order to shield you and children from the abuse.
The awful truth is, your H didn’t put the love he had for you all first, he didn’t fight to get himself better in order to be the man he was before and do everything in his power to regain your trust in him in order to get his family back together! He selfishly took the cowards way out, intentionally trying to hurt and destroy his loved ones with grief and guilt by committing suicide.

Edited

It’s okay I know they will forever try to protect him. I know what happened and “ sick “ or not. I always remind my self that just like I tried to protect my kids that’s their natural instinct to protect him.
I don’t think it’s right but I sort of accepted that as something they couldn’t control.

Nothing else has been said and I have left it Iike that.

I Think it just hurt the most when they added “ lola “ in to that. They know “ Lola” was a product of his behaviour - not that it’s Lola’s fault at all and please do not take it that way she is very much loved and we wouldn’t be without her !

OP posts:

HairsprayBabe · 27/06/2025 08:45

@Strugglingsoul19 I'm so proud of you, I wish you so much good luck in starting this new chapter of your life. You really deserve all the happiness in the world.

AmberTurtles · 27/06/2025 08:19

Have the beautiful baby that you are carrying and start your new life together. Stop hiding! Huge congratulations on the little one 😃

caringcarer · 27/06/2025 07:36

Strugglingsoul19 · 25/06/2025 12:37

he Is happy, he has wanted to move foward for a while now and just wanted to freely be able to go about our business.

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So you and new partner are both happy about baby. He is good to your DC. 2 years is a long time to be alone. You don't have to tell dgp yet. Wait until you are further along. But if let them know you are now with new partner. It's your life and your baby. Don't let others influence your decision.

SpryCat · 27/06/2025 07:34

He apologised over and over again for the mistake you were a couple and he wasn’t in the right frame of mind you know he loved you and the children and would not have done anything to hurt you intentionally when he was well.

Mil has twisted the truth! He may have apologised over and over again for hurting you and your children but apologies are worthless if you don’t have any intentions of changing. He obviously needed to seek professional help, his life was falling apart through his own actions, but instead, he opted out of life. The person he may of been in the past is irrelevant, it had no bearing on how he’d been at the time and he was intentionally hurting you all! She is glossing over everything in order to twist the knife in your back, you are moving on and she doesn’t like the fact she isn’t in control of you all.
No one can force anyone with addiction problems to change or seek help, no one has the power to stop someone from being abusive. The only thing you were in control of was your actions, to leave, in order to shield you and children from the abuse.
The awful truth is, your H didn’t put the love he had for you all first, he didn’t fight to get himself better in order to be the man he was before and do everything in his power to regain your trust in him in order to get his family back together! He selfishly took the cowards way out, intentionally trying to hurt and destroy his loved ones with grief and guilt by committing suicide.

mindutopia · 27/06/2025 07:28

I can think of so many worse scenarios than having a child with a good man who is already a strong support to your children and will be involved in your lives forever anyway.

Of course, you need to make your own choices, but this doesn’t sound at all like the catastrophe you are panicking it is.

Greenvases · 27/06/2025 07:20

OP, your message was perfect.
No further reply necessary.
Just space, lots of it.

So called supportive families can be toxic if they are bent on delusion and revisionism as to what happened.

I would be seriously concerned about them pourimg poison into your childrens ears.

Take space. They are unhealthy in their deluded state.

Limited supervised contact going forward would be the most I would consider going forward after an extended break.

Also a complete information diet regarding your future life and choices.
Nothing to do with them.

You have nothing to be guilty about.
FOG, fear, obligation and guilt remains after your abusive relationship.

You definitely deserve to shake off the shakles of it.
Your children are so lucky to have you.

Original poster

Strugglingsoul19 · 26/06/2025 23:12

SaltyCara · 26/06/2025 23:06

Just to say, you don't have to reply to her message at all 🙂 You asked her for space:

for now I think it’s best we stay away from one another until you can understand that it was never me that was the reason but his own actions that meant he saw no other way out.

You don't have to agree to her DEMAND that you will speak at a more reasonable time. You can just leave that as the last message between you for a while. No response is a response and all that.

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No I’m not replying anymore
them mentioning “ Lola “ was a new low.
Lola - not her fault but was situation that gave me the courage to start my plan on leaving with the kids ( older 2 ) so the fact that they know what I went through and they used her in the same Sentence makes me feel sick.
as far as I’m concerned he is not her dad ( I know biologically he is )

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