I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

Do you want to be with him and have this baby?

because the rest can be worked through

Oh @Strugglingsoul19 - this could be a lovely happy ending for you ❤️
Im sorry for the loss of your ex but it sounds like it was tricky and unhappy relationship. If you allow his family and how you think he may feel to affect what you do - he is still controlling you even though he’s gone.

You have a wonderful partner who loves your children and sounds like he’s also financially independent - as are you. So it’s a relationship built out of love and regard for eachother not dependence, coercion or financial bullying.

Please find a way to put boundaries in place with your ex’ family. Assuming they’re not dangerous and just annoying - discuss visitation times with them but it sounds to me like you have the promise of some lovely times ahead and I hope you can work it through and start telling yourself you deserve to be happy. xx

Don't worry ❤️

I hope this thread has helped you.

So your late dp was abusive and now you're letting his family control your life. It's ridiculous for an outsider but I understand It's not so clear when you're in the middle of it

You have the right to move on, be happy and have more children if that's what you want. Don't ever let anyone else make that decsion for you. You are free @Strugglingsoul19 but you live as if you're not. Please talk to your partner about this and see a therapist urgently because you need to let go of these misplaced feelings of guilt. ❤️

They come around when they want, they ring daily.
they request information about schooling / medical stuff and seem to be an extension of our home.
they need dates for every sports day, plays and the rest of it.

If “they” are your late partners family, it’s time to put some clear boundaries in place. They don’t get to step in where he left a space. It’s your family and who is involved in what is also your decision to make.

I think OP was talking about her ex in laws here, not the boyfriend

I could be wrong. It's a bit confusing because at the end I think OP is talking about her boyfriend and her late husband again.

'They' ? Is there more than one, don't you mean him/he?

Now I have read this, he sounds a bit much and needs to slow down. You are being overwhelmed.

Think carefully before making any decision that will impact the lives of you and your children.

Don'tTouchRoach: "Nobody - nobody at all - should have a termination for any other reason other than that she wants one. If you don’t want a termination, do not have one - least of all because two people who happen to be your kids’ grandparents might be pissed off. They’re awful, awful people if they are."
........
Wise words.

Op, if you do decide to carry on with the pregnancy, don't allow yourself to be pushed into marriage. Take one step at a time.

OP, if you’re the poster I think you are - your late partner was quite severely abusive and his parents are overbearing and controlling.

Please, please do NOT let the opinion of these people affect your decision to have a baby with your new partner. It is quite literally none of their business who you have a relationship with. It is bad enough that you’ve been made to feel you’ve had to keep your new relationship secret - it would be a total bloody tragedy if you terminated a pregnancy you wanted to go through with just because your other kids’ grandparents didn’t approve. Seriously.

Why are you letting them control you like this? To be horribly blunt: their son is dead, and you are entirely at liberty to have a relationship with anyone you wish. It’s irrelevant that he was a friend of your late partner. There is no betrayal here, because your late partner is no longer alive to be betrayed. That might sound harsh, but it’s entirely true.

If you are who I think you are, your late partner’s parents are not good people and are intrusive and weird and seem to think they have some kind of say in the decisions you make for your children. Here’s the thing: they don’t. If a parent dies, the grandparents do not get to step into his place and act as if they have the same rights he would have done if he were still alive. That just is not how this works. You really, REALLY need to start putting some boundaries in place with them and frankly, if they step back as a result, that will be a good thing.

Nobody - nobody at all - should have a termination for any other reason other than that she wants one. If you don’t want a termination, do not have one - least of all because two people who happen to be your kids’ grandparents might be pissed off. They’re awful, awful people if they are.

You can't hide your relationship forever and if you happy with this man, i can't imagine you want to. 2 years is a perfectly reasonable time to move on to a new relationship, my Mum did after we lost my Dad, she was a fairly young widow and no one expected her to be alone forever, not even my Dad's family. As my brother and i both moved out close to my Dads death (me just before him just after) she was desperately lonely. This baby is no ones decisions but you and your new partner, Don't give it up to please the former in-laws, if you and he want this a baby, let your relationship come out, own it and be happy, you deserve it.

Good luck with sharing the news. You’ll be fine. But most of all: congratulations on your pregnancy and all the best for a wonderful future for you, your partner and all your children.

My apologies. I thought you meant him. Thank you for clarifying.

However, don’t let him in for a long time. Don’t marry as you own your house.

Keep firmer boundaries with ex in-laws.

I agree with other PP, it’s been two years, if people don’t like it tough luck. Talk to him, make a decision together, ignoring the views of everyone outside your kids. Then if you decide to keep it or even if you think you should terminate but agree you want to be together, then just tell people. You don’t have to keep him a secret any more: you’re not doing anything wrong

OP I'm sorry if I'm being intrusive but did your DH commit suicide? It's just that I've been there and wonder if you're carrying misplaced and unwarranted guilt as I did for too many years.

Either way you've mourned a more than decent interval, you should seize any chance of happiness that comes along. The marriage vows are Till death do us part, not Till I die.

I think his family is continuing his emotional abuse of you to the point where you would terminate a pregnancy both parents want.

the enmeshing seems to be to guilt but it’s not your fault

I disagree with this. It's quite common for women who are a bit older (I'm guessing as OP already has children) to get an abortion and then not be able to conceive again.

If OP and her boyfriend want a child together, I don't think it not being the perfect time makes it reasonable to have an abortion.

As others have said. Don’t let what others think or what you think they’ll think, impact your decision on whether to keep this baby, and your future happiness. They should be thrilled you have found love with someone amazing, and someone who loves your children so much.

It’s been 2 years, so that’s fine. Obviously different if it had been 2 weeks or months!

Enjoy your life. You’ve been through a lot and deserve this.

I agree and if your in-laws like him well enough, they may be glad you are with someone who is an old friend who cares about you and the children. If not, they would get used to the idea.

A lot depends on how he feels about it, though.

Please take your time and don't make a hasty decision. You are not in the world to please others, think about what's best for you and your DC, no one else matters.

OP anyone who truly cares about you and the children will want you all to be happy, you don't need to worry about the others. If you want to be with him go for it, if you want this baby have it. Life goes on.

I say this as someone with three DsIL, if one of my sons died I'd be devastated but I'd want their wife to move on, I'd think my GC having a new sibling would be a positive in a happy family.

I do hope this all works out for you, you sound like a wonderful mum and you deserve your second chance.

This. 100% this