To ask if you've thrown one of your teenagers out? How did it turn out?

So sorry this happened to you. What a pair of arseholes. Congratulations on your baby.

My narc mother slung me out as soon as the child benefit ran out

She'd stopped paying for anything for me as soon as I got to about 12 years old-everything from food to school uniform I had to work to pay for it

I ended up in a shit bedsit,no money,was homeless for a while (she thought this was funny) and fell pregnant within the year-I'm fine now,I own my own home,have a job and loving dp and am doing ok

All because the child benefit ran out and my (golden child) brother was running rings around her

He was dealing/taking drugs,stealing everything that wasn't nailed down,bringing dealers,loan sharks and the police to her door,smashing her house up,playing truant from school,never keeping a job for longer than 6 weeks (he left school and refused to get a job for 6 years because he 'wasn't ready') and beating her up if she dared to say 'no' to him

It was decided I was the issue and out I went

He's 42,still at it (he's only just got a flat after living at home all his life but spends 99% of his time at home because he hates his flat and all his money is spent on drugs) and has cost them tens of thousands of pounds in trying to keep him on the straight and narrow and to keep a roof over his head

But it's all my fault she bred a monster and I'm nc (but still taking the blame)

He's 'misunderstood' apparently

I was kicked out at 15 and managed to find a paedophile willing to house me. He locked me in and repeatedly raped me. I was vulnerable and I needed my parent to step up not down. I had a lot of issues back then, stemming from neuro divergence which of course we didn’t know about or understand back then, but it was clear I needed people to ask ‘why?’.

I wouldn’t be able to throw one of mine out because I would be terrified if the path they took. I guess I was ‘lucky’ not to have been drawn into drugs. I did develop a drink problem and put myself in serious danger many times over. I could never risk putting my DC in such a vulnerable state.

I want to be clear though that I base my answers on my DC, and I am fully aware that there are some circumstances where it would be in the benefit or the overall family for the teen to move out. It would have to be a supported move though, not just thrown out and left to fend.

My mum kicked me out at 18 because she did not like my boyfriend at the time (to be fair, he was not a very nice person). I was a spectacularly good kid-working alongside studying at university , contributing to the household financially and through chores, always following her rules and looking back this was an attempt to control me further. It did not work and was very unjustified. Our relationship never recovered in spite of her best efforts to mend it. I now have two children of my own and I would never, ever kick them out.

How’s he doing now OP?

Was he smoking weed in a family home? Was he exhibiting difficult behaviours to other members of the family? Did you live in the house at the time? Had your father and stepmother tried to help him for time before, whilst protecting the rest of the family and the house?

I was asked to leave home at 17. I went to live with my friends Nan until I was old enough to rent a room in a house share.

Generation F by Winston Smith, is a good book to read about Britain's care homes.

My stepmother threw my young brother out due to laziness and weed habit, he was 17 a phase. He turned to hard drugs homelessness and sex work. I despise her with every beat of my heart.

It happened to a friend/ acquaintance of DS when he was about 14/15. His Mum kicked him out, his Dad promised to take him in but the Dad's gf at the time put a stop to it. Ended up living with a woman about 10-15 years older than him that he was somehow acquainted with. He did chores for her in exchange for his lodgings.
Dropped out of school at 16 and developed mental health issues. DS was jealous of him at the time because the woman he lived with took him to lots of parties etc- the reality that emerged later was that he was taking drugs, drinking heavily and sleeping with men in their late twenties/thirties (including the woman's dealer- another 'chore') by the time he was 16/17.
So not a great picture, actually it sounds even worse now I've written it down.

We have supported living near us. It's for 16 to 18 year olds who are homeless or can't live at home. They get support to transition to adult life. I should think it's oversubscribed though. I'm not sure if you access it through social services.

I had to leave at 17, completely unprepared as I’d had a quite privileged, protected (in some ways) upbringing.
i took drugs, dropped out of college and had a baby at 19.
all good now, but it messed me up for a long time.
in previous jobs I have worked with young people who live in supported accommodation. They are generally awful places, with drugs, violence and lots of mental illness.
i feel that I could never do it to my own children.

I was thrown out at 16 by my dad and stepmum, my mum had died when I was a child. However I was not violent, still in school, didn't do drugs or commit crimes etc. I was a victim of emotional abuse and neglect in the home and my "parents" didn't care for me. I grew up middle class. They did get me a flat although I don't know specifically how the financial side of it worked but I know most of the rent was paid by housing benefit and I received £45 a week in income support (i believe my stepmother probably fiddled with the system to get me these benefits).

I left school at 17 with barely any grades. I did manage to get into uni which I then dropped out of twice. Tried college too but also dropped out of that. Spent time in some student flats shares etc before moving into homeless accommodation around 19. I was very lucky in that I never stayed in a hostel but the council did put me in a b&b for a while before I got a furnished temporary flat. I had a suicide attempt around this time too. I just about kept my head above water, claiming jobseekers allowance, getting jobs in retail or bars which didn't really last long. Got into debt over the years. Dabbled in drugs in my early 20s but nothing too major and managed to not get pregnant (even though at the time I didn't think it was the worst idea).

I'm now 36, in a stable job in finance, married and about to have my first baby. But I carry the trauma every day and have not spoken to my dad or stepmother in years and don't ever plan to.

I was thrown out at 16, i know a few people that were

Yes- his behaviour was becoming a danger to his siblings. He was 17.

We paid for a small flat nearby. He was allowed to bring washing home, and stay for dinner, provided he was respectful.

It’s not a situation I ever thought I’d be in, and it broke my heart.

On the upside, we are 20 years down the line and very close as a family. He became a dad last year, and is wonderful with his son.

We overcame, and I’m proud of him.

My stepsons mother chucked him out just before he turned 16. It was for a trivial thing he’s a good kid. Think along the lines of leaving butter out of the fridge. I had gone to pick him up and she was in full swing screaming at him and threw him out. Whether she meant it or not he never went back home permanently and has lived with us for over 2 years. In the meantime she has married her boss and turned what was his room into his office so he couldn’t go home even if he wanted to. She took my fiancé to court for 6 years when he was a baby to stop him seeing him…didn’t work out very well for her. My stepson has flourished, finished high school with various qualifications and is starting college in August. He is happy and settled. He didn’t speak to her for a long time, he has zero respect for her but does visit occasionally. We do encourage him to see her, she is still his Mum but we have nothing to do with her

My uncle was thrown out of home at 17. He has gone on to become phenomenally successful in financial terms, but beset by feelings of inadequacy, rejection & sadness which have dogged his subsequent relationships.

My former boyfriend was thrown out at 14 (to live with his grandmother). He took his own life at 21.

On the basis of this experience, I do not recommend throwing teenagers - or vulnerable young people- out of home, while appreciating how very difficult & distressing they can be.

My parents wouldn't have my brother back home when he was 19 or 20.

He went to prison for 4 months when he was only just 18, for ABH. They had him back when he was released, but a year or so later, he had an episode of severe mental illness. My DF was working abroad for a few months at a time, so DM was dealing with it pretty much on her own. DB used to get very abusive and threatening to her.

He was sectioned for several months, our parents were approached as part of DB's discharge planning, and they flatly refused to have him back. He was allocated a council flat a few miles away.

They had him back a few years later though. He had another manic episode, blew all his money, ended up back in hospital for months and his flat was repossessed (he'd bought it under "right to buy"). When he was discharged, they let him live with them (DF had retired by this time), but after a couple of years he bought a dirt cheap property 100 or so miles away with what was left of the equity from his flat. Parents died aprox 10 years later.

@partygarden thank you for your very kind words.

How much is a private room in your area? Does he have a job?

Or could he go work somewhere with accommodation included? e.g could you get him into somewhere like PGL or Haven just for the summer to give you all a break? At least he's over 18 on this front (they employ 16 and 17 year olds but won't have them stay)

If you have any younger children who are at risk, if you haven't already you could contact social services. They may assist with supported housing for him. There are places for 16-24 year olds, sometimes run by the organisations like the YMCA but one often needs a referral from social services. You can also go direct to YMCA in some areas so it's probably worth checking out for your area. T

If he was under 18, it would be more straightforward as social services would have a duty of care if he was at threat of homelessness and refer him. Unfortunately, as a PP has pointed out from personal experience of a unit, it could mean they are at risk of exploitation by others. But I think it's best to get them in the system under 18 as there's limited help afterwards.

Oh wow, that’s incredible. Wow, you sound like such a great mum, I think my life is hard sometimes! This puts things into perspective.

That sounds like a nightmare that you’ve navigated and somehow emerged with this compassion for your daughter and relationships all intact. I genuinely don’t know how I would have coped in your situation as a lone parent. Very difficult.
Really bravo 👏

I was thrown out at 16 by my step dad, its a long complex story but my mum couldnt do anything to stop it. I ended up in a hostel for 16-24 year olds, introduced to the world of hard core intravenous drugs and casual sex, a world i was completely sheltered from before in my middle class, financially stable, big house family environment i grew up in. i had to drop out of my a levels as attending was impossible. I ended up pregnant before i was 18 with a man who would beat me on a daily basis. I all but lost contact with my sisters for years. My life was chaotic until my mid-20s. I turned it around early 30s getting a degree and a stable career. But now in my 40's ill never own my own home or really have true financial security. I have a good relationship with my mum and sister now, but only because my step dad died and i was able to rebuild it.

I have 3 children now. My eldest is in his 20s. Hes a nightmare 90% of the time. I would never kick him out regardless of how hard he is to live with. As the life long knock on effects are massive. Hes more likely to learn and become successful with guidance. In his mid teens he was aggressive with me, would smash up my house, and steal from me daily. Hes not that bad now, but hes still difficult.

@Princessconsuelabananahammock9 Unfortunately he is deceased but you have missed the point of my post.

I am wondering the same thing op. We have 19 year old DS who has crossed every boundary there is apart from violence towards us. We're exhausted and just don't know how to continue. Can't afford to pay for a room for him and have a feeling that he would end up on the streets if we chucked him out.