To choose convenience over facilities for 3 month old starting nursery?

Except this is a forum for people to give their opinions. And the Op specifically asked people for their opinions 🤷🏼‍♀️

A nanny wouldn’t fall asleep while feeding though as they’re not sleep deprived…they’ll leave your house in the evening and go home and get a full night’s rest.

Sorry, but agree with pp, 3 months is too young for nursery. You can site all the ‘studies’ you want - at that age common sense is screaming that such a tiny baby needs to be with their mum.

For me a matter of opinion. I don’t need to read research

You could have stopped there tbh.

For me a matter of opinion. I don’t need to read research to know that for a very young baby:

Nanny in own home = staying in baby’s own familiar home environment, where they feel safe and secure. It can be calm and quiet when needed. They get to sleep in their own crib, on a schedule that works 100% for them. One cargiver will mean familiarity and a sense of security for the baby. Mum/Dad are often wfh and can pop in regularly to see the baby and offer comfort if needed. Nanny can take the baby out for nice long walks in their buggy.

Nursery = A very loud place for a baby to be in for a 6 hour spell. One Childcarere to 3 babies. They can’t be fed on demand or nap on demand - because one Childcarer has to look after 3 babies at the same time. They will often be left to cry hungry because no-one is free to feed them quickly. They will have to nap in a shared space with other babies waking up and crying. There will be different staff each day - so the person looks different, smells different, sounds different, holds them differently, does their routine differently…… which is confusing for a tiny baby and doesn’t make them feel safe/secure. Plus the turnover for staff in nurseries is really high, they might bond with one staff who then leaves after a couple of weeks/months.

I’d go for whichever has staff you feel better about. At 3 months they want cuddles. My DD went to a nursery that was rough around the edges, but the people were great. They did everything they should but toys were plastic and well used whereas the other nursery was pristine wooden toys and always very tidy. In the baby room DD spent most of her time being cuddled by her key person, who loved her dearly. It was that that she needed over toy/curriculum.

I think you should go for the nursery with the best staff, can you ask about their staff turnover? I think that's quite important to know incase the staff are leaving all the time.
My understanding is that nurseries aren't bad for babies as long as they have high quality and caring staff. (Sorry I don't have any studies but I follow an interesting woman on FB called Elena Bridges who studies hunter gatherer societies and she talks about this). A nanny or childminder might be better for consistency though.

I know lots of adults who went to full time nursery from three months old and they are completely normal with good relationships with their parents.

the he should hire an office. Rather than sending your 3 month old to nursery if it’s not an absolute financial necessity

Go for the one closer to home.

So. all babies that are in childcare in other countries from 3 or 4 months are all damaged???

And humans haven't changed in 20 years

20 years is a long time and things change for a reason

As someone who was back working full time when my babies were 4 months (mat leave isn’t the same here as UK), I chose convenience and loving caregivers than a home nanny or helper and for similar reasons to you and your husband.

The daycare was close to my office and I could go and see him whenever I wanted, I could also nurse during the day and felt more confident having him with caregivers I could see daily.

I would 100% go with the one you got the best feeling from than one with a fancy curriculum or apps.

And my personal experience was that my babies were happy forming bonds with their caregivers and never had separation anxiety because they were used to other people.

@safetyfirst1 as you rightly say, there are millions of well rounded emotionally intelligent children across the US and France (and many other countries) who attend nursery from a young age. If you are struggling you are doing absolutely the right thing to give yourself a break and will probably find you enjoy your time with your baby even more for it. Good luck x

Same here and all 3 of mine started at 3 months. I was never 'so unwell' either.

Look for research more recent than 1989 and 1999. That’s wildly outdated.

@safetyfirst1 I suggested the dynamic in your relationship seemed a bit odd as, at the moment, post partum and with a newborn ( your first), you and your baby should have priority. Instead you seem to be in a fruitless struggle with a husband who seems to be q unreasonable. I may be wrong, obviously, as I'm only going on what you have written.

I understand that his mindset can be inflexible but that puts extra pressure on you at a time when you need understanding and support, not to mention practical help. That doesn't give him the right to dictate how you care for your baby, especially as he doesn't seem to want to listen to you. Yes you're both the parents but mothers of newborns generally have an instinctive sense of their baby's major needs. It's how humans have managed to survive up to now. So, yes, he gets a say, but it needs to be reasonable and flexible. Neuro diversity doesn't mean he can't learn to respect your opinions and abilities.And he doesn't need written evidence before he'll listen.

I hope the therapy you're having is helpful and that you feel less overwhelmed soon, and more confident.

I made the comment about the nursery because my usual reaction would be that nurseries are not good for such a young baby, but, given your present situation perhaps it might take some immediate pressure away. I can see you're trying your best in what, to an outsider, sounds a difficult situation, and that you obviously do care about your baby.

The same could be said for your circle…

I don't think that's true.
I had two babies in the 80s and all my friends went back to work, as did I.
It was in the 60s and 70s when women were more likely to be SAHMs. And earlier than that, of course.

Of the two, I’d go for convenience

Well maybe that's just your circle. Many of my workmates had kids _ and were obviously working . There were 6 of us had babies and returned to work within the same year as each other

Why will they be guaranteed to get unwell. I've had 3 kids in childcare My eldest had one day off in 4 years of nursery with earache, the 2nd one a fortnight with chickenpox ( caught from then school aged sister) and don't remember DS having any time off

I was born in the 90’s, none of my friends mums worked until we were in secondary. Few more did when my youngest sibling born in early 00’s was at school.

They’re so young at that age and they will get so unwell and so will you. You’ll be lucky to use 1 day a week for the first year with the revolving viruses. It’s just not great for a baby that young to not have a primary care giver.

In your shoes I picked the cheaper/slightly shabbier/friendlier nursery vs the corporate style one. This was for my 3rd child and I think I had done every combo of care by the time she came along.
Id look carefully at separation from toddlers/ ratios/named carers etc.

In the 90s? Not noticable from all the people I worked with that had kids

No, the vast majority of mothers didn’t work but stayed at home with the children.