To choose convenience over facilities for 3 month old starting nursery?

Sounds like the right decision in your situation. I hope it works out for you.

Speaking from experience of both nursery & school years, please set expectations right from the start that both parents are responsible for sharing the load for last minute childcare issues. It does not automatically default to the mum.

A huge plus in later years will be your baby's immune system as they will have almost certainly got chickenpox out of the way at an early stage!

Some of my friends have gone for the fancy nursery that costs £30/day more than mine, and they've had no end of trouble with things like management of allergies, and in my view their staff use devices WAY too much.

My nursery has actually been put onto Requires Improvement, but the grounds are pretty spurious and don't reflect my experience as a parent - but more importantly, my experience of visiting and working with early years settings professionally (NOT as Ofsted!).

Final word of warning, it's good that you have a plan, just be ready for whatever feels "right" to change... And change, and change!

Good for you OP. We all make decisions based on what is best for our own family set up and if the decision feels right for you, then it IS the right one.

Sounds like you have really thought this through OP. Which nursery have you decided to go for?

I do think it’s important to say that not all opinions are equal - as I teach kids in class, if someone is presenting actual research or similar as evidence vs “my dad said this therefore it’s true” there is a big difference (depending on the dad’s job, of course!).

I’m not saying anyone is necessarily falling into the second category here, but it is important to take the presentation of researched information seriously, even if it makes you feel certain things. Nursery is always going to be a difficult topic to discuss as a lot of people don’t have the option to be at home or hire a nanny as an alternative. But that doesn’t mean that research can’t suggest there are better options than daycare for babies.

If all that experience is in one country where the prevailing cultural view is that women should stay at home when their children are young, then it's not that extensive tbh.

I think it's really problematic that the UK has a culture where women are effectively told that they are bad mothers if they use childcare for a baby or toddler, but they aren't actually financially supported to do that. It leads to women dropping out of the workforce and taking years to get back in (if they get back in at all) and being financially dependent on a man or impoverished as a result.

Where I live, most women say, "Well, yes, I'd like to stay at home with my baby and not work, but I need to pay my bills." If you told them they should save money before going on maternity leave so they could afford not to earn money for six months to a year or even more, they'd look at you like you'd grown another head. But women in the UK are culturally conditioned to do exactly that.

Living in a country where women doing that hasn't been normalised, I can see with my own eyes that the children are no less happy and the bonds between children and their parents are no less strong.

Ok I got it. You think you are allowed your opinion on your lived experience. But I’m not allowed to have my opinion based on my extensive experience of decades of working in Childcare and my degree in Early Childhood Education. Do you not see the hypocrisy?

I mean this kindly - other people are allowed different opinions to you. And they are allowed to state them, just like you are. It’s ok to have different opinions. And it’s ok for people to give their differing opinions to an op who is asking for opinions.

OP - I think you need to approach your HV and ask for some support with these decisions/situations rather than posting various threads on MN that invariably end up with you defending your DH. You obviously love your baby and are keen to do the best for him but you lack proper support - and are understandably struggling.

I got PND from sleep deprivation and feel I came close to not making it out, so I totally get it. However I don't see how going back to work at 3 months would have helped. For me it would have just added to the exhaustion and pressure, and there is no way I would have been able to operate well at work or even safely get there if driving.

If you have the funds look at night doulas, a morning nanny, or morning nursery place that DH or GP can take them, GPs doing some mornings, DH (he can take half days of annual leave or request flexible working if he doesn't already have this with WFH), or a mix so you can roll over and get some much needed sleep. Then once you're no longer suffering from sleep exhaustion and PND look at extending care and going back to work.

If you need to get back to work and not doing so is adding stress then I'd look at a nanny, there are live out ones, or nursery one. Nannies come with checks and references, DH will be home when WFH, and GPs can pop in. When baby is sleeping they are often expected to do light chores but you negotiate this.

I’d not worry about the best curriculum at this age.

For me - at any age - it’d be down to which one has the best staff and which feels safer. I’d ask about safe sleeping, first aid training, nappy changing policy and staff ratios and turnover, as examples.

Every Mum I knew in the 90s worked at least part time including my own so I guess it depends. That's the problem with MN everybody has an opinion based on the their own little bubble that they live in.

Go with the one with the best vibe around the staff. Making things look pretty means nothing if there is a high staff turn over. All a baby room needs is caring, responsive staff. Stimulation comes from cuddles and nursery rhymes, stories and time outside. They don’t need lots of flash toys.

All nurseries will follow the EYFS and it doesn’t need a curriculum for this age group other than ensuring they are interacting with them at an age appropriate level.

Bowlbys attachment theory

Go for convenience, you can always change later but the extra time you don't have to be on the road, can be spent doing lots of other stuff that is more beneficial.

And it's based on having experience living both in the UK and in another country where women aren't demonised for returning to work when their babies are still small, and the babies aren't traumatised by it. It has made me realise that many women on Mumsnet who have no lived experience beyond what is normal in the UK have strong opinions which don't really stand up to scrutiny.

You have a dilemma which many of us with DC who are now 20- 25 faced, when mat leave entitlements were far less generous. My own baby started nursery full time from 8 - 6 at 4.5 months old.

We picked the small local nursery initially which we later discovered was owned by someone we knew. As a tiny baby, cuddles were more important than a curriculum.

2 years later the nursery closed unexpectedly, so we had to find another one quickly. This time we chose a brand new purpose built nursery attached to the hospital where DH worked. Opening hours were longer in case of emergency, everything was designed from a toddler's perspective and they could provide care for inset day and holidays when DC started school. It was the right time for a change.

Do I regret going back to work so soon? Not for a moment & my DC has no concerns either & would probably do the same.

That’s your opinion!

Option convenient.
You are still the main care givers. You get more time with your baby in the first option.

He gets less travel time. Babies and traffic jams don't mix well.

The care seems very good in both but a very small baby doesn't need state of the art programs. He needs warmth, small groups, healthy food, familiar faces and the space to move about inside and outside..

Unfortunately Mumsnet isn't the right place to get balanced opinions about putting a baby in childcare.

Nursery one without doubt. The less time baby spends commuting the better. Curriculum and decoration are not priority at that age, but good hygiene is.

The biggest factor by far is the individual staff and their manner and what vibe you get. I work in childcare and I have to say our baby room leader is amazing and I would trust her with my newborn in a heartbeat. But that's because she is who she is. Ask to meet the individual who will have your baby and go with a gut feeling I think.

It's hard returning to work so soon, but it will be OK if baby in good hands. Best of luck