Flaky friend - last straw AIBU??

Her friend who's messaging you will soon be backing off when it's her turn to be flaked on and it happens once too often.

I think you should be prepared for additinal fall out. She's now manipulating others and getting them, in effect, to be her flying monkeys. And portraying YOU as the bad guy. I would be quite concerned.

I think you may have to accept that this is goign to impact other friendships or the wider friendship group. For me, that would be fine. But I'm just warning you.

I WOULD go back to your interfering friend to say, "The issue is that if she told me she was struggling, I could attempt to accomodate. But she arranged an actual meet up with me and cancelled with an hour's notice ot go to a gig. That's not okay and an acknowledgement of that is not an unreasonable ask. I'm also concerned that she's attempting to get you to fight this battle for her."

But be prepared, she's laying the ground work for YOU to be the baddie and her to be the victim and I suspect the resuslt will be them rallying around her while she recovers from the trauma of you "kicking her while she is down."

I had a friendship like this a few years ago. I was always arranging things for us and she would find an excuse to back out last minute. I decided to step back and not message her and see if she would message me. She never contacted again. I was upset at the time as when she lived next door we were always together and popping into each other's house/looking after the kids, but knew deep down it would happen. I do wonder if her husband was a bit controlling though as I could see red flags in the last year or so.

She's a me me me friend
All about her. Selfish.
Step back. If she makes a plan with you only agree if it suits YOU and don't be making any effort To make plans. Has to come from her now
I did that with a friend years ago and funnily enough we lost touch

As pp have said she sounds extremely childish. Especially getting other people involved. Just back off and leave them to it. It’s not worth the headspace.

First of all you’d only be insensitive if she cancelled due to needing to sort things out… she went to a gig!!

Second, your other pals getting involved making you feel bad… they do realise she cancelled for a gig. Not because she’s at home crying.

Ditch your mates and miss flake

I'd reply to the other friend:

Was it her problems and trauma that made her go to the gig instead of meeting me?

Shes not someone that I would call a friend

Good riddance!

Op understand that your friend can be lovely and also it feels hard like you say that she has not many friends left due to the flakiness .
I too feel exactly the same about a mate of mine - and I too domt know what to do !
My friend is absolutely lovely- funny , caring , great hostess .. when she wants to be / is in that mindset.
The otherside is the history of getting her husband ro ring sometimes an hour before and say she is ill .
I never know if it’s social anxiety or cant be bothered- I guess sometimes she will be ill genuinely - but aa its been the ‘ reason’ so many times - its hard to actually believe now- when she could be ill .
the issue i have is i feel i cant question it - that she is ill .

She does not work and i wonder if its that ahe gets unused to having appts or something- its feels lazy or anxiety.
Its difficult being in this position op - I do understand !

Having stuff going on in your own life, traumatic or not, doesn’t mean you can make arrangements with a friend then let them down at the last minute because you get a better offer. She sounds very selfish.

Agree disinvest. Do not chase her. Thats not a friend in my eyes. I let go of a few flakes just all one sided efforts!!

Don't message her again. Don't chase her. She's not a good friend.

It sounds like you are a lot keener on her than she is on you. If she's giving you the silent treatment just let her go as she's really not worth it. Her values are way different to yours. If or when she ever makes contact with you again you need to tell her what you expect from her and if she can't oblige just move on to someone who is worthy of you. FYI I was in a similar position 5 years ago, we didn't see each other for ages but now are good friends. She understands how our relationship needs to work.

Text the other friend and say 'well, obviously fucking not'.

I would go back now and say to her she is now being childish in giving you the cold shoulder and that perhaps the friendship has run its course. You hope she will have a happy life

I would the. Focus on people who don’t let me down

You really shouldn't feel bad - this is all on her and please don't let this be good enough for you.

I would delete her number (not block her), so if you're tempted to contact her you can't. Match effort (as per my suggestion above about only firming up plans an hour or so before (and letting her do all the chasing there) and not even pencilling anything in before that) if she does contact you. Only stop deleting her number when she's had a good run of not flaking on you [unlikely to happen but...].

Sadly she just doesn't value your friendship or her friends as she should.

She would have known that she was going to the gig in town and only bothered to cancel on your own arrangements with very short notice.

She prioritises what she wants to do at the last minute, even though she will have decided beforehand which social engagement to go to.

She has no compunction in letting other people down and just deciding on a whim which offer she thinks is the best for her at any given time.

Friends really do not behave like this. Now she is cross with you which is completely misplaced and terribly ironic as you should be cross with her not the other way round.

I would distance myself from this faux friendship.

This isn’t about her flakiness. It’s about the fact that she has reacted badly when you told her how you felt. A good friend wouldn’t have done that. Ditch her.

I think we all have the same friend! I have dropped her.

Drop the rope.

If she's meant to be in your life she will be, but I suspect she won't be that big a loss.

I cut off a friend who sounds exactly like this. One day I just said fuck it, and didn't contact her again. She sent a couple of happy Christmas / happy new year messages but after I didn't reply I never heard from her again. It was about 5 years ago now. After a year I stopped worrying about cutting her off, and don't miss her at all now. Life is much easier without having to manage her flakiness and moodiness.

I’d not bother with her again tbh