Flaky friend - last straw AIBU??

This certainly proves that "charmingly" flakey people are self-centred, toxic, manipulative arseholes, doesn't it?

Is it possible she is ND OP? I say that as I have a now acquaintance who has dyspraxia and this is the way she behaves and has done since we were teenagers. We are now in our 40s. Only shows up when she wants to, just doesn’t show up, occasionally comes up with an excuse at the last minute. I dealt with this by asking her to meet me and DH when we doing something anyway that she could easily slip into and not asking her to meet us if it was important. Like your friend she doesn’t comprehend situation or feelings of others.

Mutual friend has posted that she took flake to a concert because her mental health is ‘in the toilet’ and she needed a lift

Yes, but the Flake already had plans with you. That's the point.

You need to just state the facts that you had plans together and she let you down at the last minute to go to the concert, so you questioned how meaningful her friendship was to you.

Now I’d be tempted to be a bitch since they’ve decided to take the mean girls approach and gang up on you. I would keep the message largely the same but add a sting in the tail.

I suspect it’s me that’s upset the flake as I expressed my disappointment last night that she cancelled on me an hour before we were due to meet as she was wanted to go to a concert instead. Of course had I known about her father or her mental health difficulties I wouldn’t have chosen that evening to address what has been an ongoing difficulty in our friendship for some years now.

I would reduce contact. I have social anxiety and don't always take up offers and invites if I know they will make me uncomfortable but always think that's better than last min changing my mind!

I would still respond the same as previously suggested to nip this whole thing in the bud, just amend it slightly:

I suspect most of this is aimed at me as I expressed my disappointment last night that flake cancelled on me an hour before we were due to meet as she wanted to go to a concert instead. Of course had I know about her father I would have perhaps responded differently.

Keep your head up you did nothing wrong and flake will flake in them all eventually.

She gave you an hour's notice that she wouldn't be meeting up with you as she would be attending another event? This is rude, disrespectful and inconsiderate. Quite rightly you have called her out on it and she's now in a huff. I wouldn't waste any more time or headspace on her.

I really don’t understand why you had to make this a whole ‘thing’. She flaked on you several times and you didn’t like it. Completely understandable. You pull back, mirror her efforts and let things die a natural death. That is not ghosting, it’s just going about your business.

Instead, you decided to send her ‘a message to say I was finding it hard to have any meaningful friendship with her, as she keeps letting me down’ and ‘a message to say I am pulling back because our time together doesn’t feel that important to her, and that’s fine she can prioritise what she wants but I won’t be organising anything else’.

Why?! It’s all just so unnecessary and puerile. And now there’s drama. For no reason.

I think you need to put your point across to the group OP because they are slating you to your face. It’s so out of order, I really don’t have patience for people like this and will stand my ground.

She is a selfish arsehole. How dare she try the whole narcissist darvo thing when she is totally and utterly in the wrong. You are better off without her op

Sack her off ! I had similar, could not be arsed. She’ll do the same to the other friend

She is a selfish pain in the neck who won't ever change. Either ditch her or accept her the way she is.

she bailed an hour before dinner and was so flippant and she said she was going to a gig in town and she’ll see me another time

"Tell you what , let;s not bother"

Or if you're feeling kinder "You seem to have trouble pinning down a date so let's just put this out to pasture "

I wouldn’t have responded at all and I certainly wouldn’t have made any future arrangements to meet her.

They just don't know the real facts of what actually happened - yet - and have been expertly manipulated by the flake. Hopefully, OP will expose her for who she truly is.

@Fitasafiddle1 Please take @LurkyMcLurkinson 's advice OP on owning it and nip this in the bud. Your flaky friend is an arch-manipulator and has neatly manipulated your village friendship group - they just don't realise it yet, but will do so if you follow Lurky's advice. Don't let her get away with this OP.

No, it's more likely that their tolerance for flakiness is higher.

Eg exBIL would do something pretty wankerish. SIL would lose her temper. ExBIL would ptich her as the big meanie who is always mean to him. Everyone would rally around him (including PIL) becuase SIL is so "volatile".

Cue me in the corner going, "Um, does no one think it's a problem that the original argument blew up becuase he was annoyed that she wanted to go for a drink with a friend?"

Cue PIL et al. "Oh, he's just very sensitive and he wants to spend a lot of time with her. She should be grateful she has someone who loves her so much....." etc etc.

She’s like this with everyone though. So it’s not a ‘not into you’ situation. It’s a ‘she’s not great at friendships’ situation.

My version would be even less conciliatory, as I would be saying that I'm not sure how a terminally ill father affects the choice between pre-arranged plans with a friend and going to a gig instead.

I know someone like this: long list of traumas, always the victim. Always the most unfortunate, always the flake. Most people have given up on her but she still keeps a handful close that she feeds crumbs to when she wants to. I cba with her anymore. If I were on your group chat op, I’d be quietly rooting for you.

I had a friend like this. We called her cancelling carol. She did it to me too many times.
However she's also a terrible gossip I'd I realised she'd been talking loudly about my daughter who was unwell.
That did it for me.
Six years on I don't miss her. She frequently sends messages to mutual friends but I resist. She was great fun but also a player, competitive and down right nasty at times. She once told me if she didn't feel like going to something she didn't. I should have listened.
Your friend is selfish OP and manipulative using her father's illness. It will feel like a bereavement but these people don't give a fuck. You shouldn't either. X