Flaky friend - last straw AIBU??

No, mine eventually accused me of being unavailable to her, which was so much the opposite of the actual situation from my point of view that I got really cross and upset and she’s not really spoken to me since.

I think I had been unable to meet her once when she was free, because I was working, whereas she would routinely let me down with quite important things and just pretend the arrangement had never existed. She also used to regale me with stories of nights out with mutual acquaintances but never invited me along.

Incidentally, I stood by her through a tricky breakup, offered to be the buffer between her ex and her, and then after our row my OH was taken very ill, she knew, and she never once got in touch to see how he was or how I was coping. I feel that she wanted to be friends with me for as long as I provided company on her terms, help when she needed it, and no more. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I would be disappointed in the whole group for being so easily manipulated rather than asking for your side, or even better, knowing it’s wise to stay out of other people’s business.

What was the “something important to tell her in person?” Positive or negative? It sounds like you have things going on too.

We are have stuff going on. It’s still rude to flake on dinner plans in such a blasé way an hour before she was due.

If the group can’t see that, fuck em.

I’m would say ‘ pity I didn’t know any of this as I would have gone to the concert too. I was not aware of any of this and just got stood up at the last minute so thank you for the explanation. That makes sense.

We have all been great friends for many years and I’m very sorry that flakes dad is unwell. I suppose none of us knows what is going on in anyone’s life, so I’m glad to know what is going on. I hope you enjoyed the concert.’

and then fuck them. Don’t let them off with making you into a villain. She is a cow and they are welcome to each other. Good riddance.

Her response tells you all you need to know. A true friend would be apologetic and try and put things right.

Mutual friend has posted that she took flake to a concert because her mental health is ‘in the toilet’ and she needed a lift, ( so that now makes sense) and that is shocked by the total lack of empathy shown to flake, and that she thought the group would be much more supportive of flake as she deals with this crisis.

I would post, 'I take it you were unaware that she and I had long standing dinner plans, which she dropped an hour before hand to go to a concert with you? Or that I was utterly unaware of her DF illness? It isn't possible to empathise if you are not informed of situations. Hardly shocking'.

@Eyebulb she took nothing from me. She actually love bombed friends around me. I didn't see her pattern for years.
I don't think they saw it the same way. She targeted rich women with connections. If they didn't deliver she dropped them.
However they all call her cancelling Carol. Not coined by me!

I have a similar friend that I posted about on here probably 10 years back. MNers advised that I say something similar to what you did originally and she reacted like your friend - angry, defensive and trying to make me feel guilty about her parent with a cancer diagnosis etc etc. I really regretted saying anything tbh. I ended up grovelling and apologising for upsetting her and the friendship kinda continued but eventually I quietly let it drop because it just made me feel shit about myself. I don't regret that.

This may not be good advice, but if I were you I'd grovel massively to her and the rest of the group to restore those friendships but then quietly drop the flakey friend going forward.

@DBD1975 ooh I love this. Do you mind if I use it across my socials? Any credit due?

When respect is not being served it is time to leave the table.

I fail to understand how the df being terminal can be a reason to cancel dinner as she went to a gig instead. I could understand if she cancelled to spend time with him, but she didn’t. She’s just throwing that piece of information in for sympathy and to hide her shitty behaviour.

You didn’t attempt to talk through issues, though. Neither of those was opening up a conversation.

Mirroring her behaviour wouldn’t have ‘created an issue’, as it would literally have been doing nothing. However, this clearly wouldn’t have satisfied your need to have your say. It’s all very silly and melodramatic.

There is nothing adult about this situation.

She's being unbelievably nasty. Harnessing sympathy whilst encouraging people to ask who has upset her. She's trying to turn people against you.

So my ex flake is the village queen bee @Fitasafiddle1 she has to be your best friend until she dumps you. I had a very big house, lots of parties. She took the BFF from me, my neighbour and a lady whose friend had been close for ten years. She even controlled the women's funeral. My friend was not allowed to say her goodbyes. Close friends only! Not a nice person. Think toxic player. Sadly some women are like this. Shame on them.

"That was nice of you Mary to arrange something so last minute for Flake. Just unfortunate that it was on a night me and Flake had originally made a plan and I knew nothing about any of this so I think it was understandable that I was upset that I'd been cancelled on at short notice."

Spot on. What a manipulative cow.

I hope you have other friends apart from these sad sacks @Fitasafiddle1 ?

Personally I wouldn’t bother responding to any of these messages.
And this woman isn’t any sort of friend, she’s manipulative and a user. Also if these others are supporting and believing her narrative I’d leave them all to it and move on.

Well she’s clearly not so upset about her DF that she couldn’t go to a concert.

This!

and I would add also arrogant and disrespectful. She’s not your friend.