Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Breakdown in friend group - who is right?

461 replies

Tornad · 24/06/2025 09:00

I’m not either of these two people.

P, W and 3 others have been friend since school, almost 30 years. Now all getting married, having children, etc. Don’t live locally to one another but still close and see each other very regularly (almost always as a group or one-on-one - i.e. we would never meet up as a three or a four without everyone being invited).

W has always been high maintenance as a friend. She expects us to be there for her, get birthday presents, attend birthday events, etc. She also gives out the same energy. She will always organise gifts,I’ve heaven and earth to attend special moments and be on the end of the phone. So, she’s not a hypocrite or a taker. She just expects a lot from friendship in general.

P has always been more relaxed. Unreliable, late to things, forgets things, doesn’t respond for months at a time, didn’t hear her phone… but she’s really fun to be around. Witty, cool, energetic. But, since having her own kids, P has also become quite high maintenance. Everything is a drama, the world is ending every couple of weeks, everything revolves around her DS. She’s very “crunchy mum” and makes her opinions known on our parenting and nutrition. I’m hoping this will pass because I wouldn’t befriend her if I met her now.

Anyway. W is pregnant and being induced early. She hasn’t said but I assume this is for medical reasons. They don’t tend to induce early just for fun. The date for the induction is P’s birthday. P is furious about this. She thinks that W has done this on purpose to usurp her birthday. She has vowed to never speak to W again and says that it’s “the final straw”.

My initial thought is that P is being ridiculous but, the more I think about it, W has always made a big deal out of birthdays and now P won’t be W’s focus on her birthday, her DD/DS will be.

Who is right here?

OP posts:
Tornad · 24/06/2025 19:05

Butchyrestingface · 24/06/2025 18:54

Did you GENUINELY wonder when you started this thread whether P was unreasonable to go tonto because W is being induced on her birthday?

I wasn’t 100% sure.

Initially, I thought P was entirely wrong. But when, in real life, another (neutral) friend cut me off (seemingly) for that stance, I questioned it. So I asked for opinions here. Perfectly politely, reasonably and in line with all the rules and expectations of the forum.

Since then, I have had nastiness, troll-hunting, rudeness and a million bizarre comments that I need to grow up and so does W (who may not even be aware this is happening). I’ve also had several posters invent their own version of events and spout them as if they’re the situation when they aren’t. Then other posters pick up on those “facts” (which aren’t true and didn’t come from me) and attack me for those.

So, yes, when that poster just flat-out lied about me in her smug, holier-than-thou comment, I pointed out that her lie never happened. Is that ok with you?

OP posts:
Tornad · 24/06/2025 18:59

Whattodo1610 · 24/06/2025 18:56

You really are banging on though! Everyone has said P is ridiculous, therefore you know you were correct on your take of the situation. Everyone has said W cannot choose her induction date, therefore she’s done nothing wrong. What else do you want??? Again, you ALL need to grow up! You’s are nearly 40 fgs!

Lots of people have said that both W and I are wrong. I’m asking those people why.

No one is asking you to be here. I haven’t said a single thing that isn’t a reply since the start of the thread so not sure how I can “banging on” unless everyone else is “banging on” too.

If you have such an issue with me conversing with other posters on the thread I started, you can go. It doesn’t impact you.

OP posts:
Whattodo1610 · 24/06/2025 18:56

Tornad · 24/06/2025 14:33

Firstly, I’m not “banging on”. I’m replying to people who have commented. That’s how these things tend to work.

Secondly, I would like one person (just one) to say what I did wrong and what W did wrong (without inventing lies). Plenty have said we’re awful people. Plenty have been rude and nasty. Plenty have made up lies and their own version of events. Not one single person has actually said what we’ve done wrong.

You really are banging on though! Everyone has said P is ridiculous, therefore you know you were correct on your take of the situation. Everyone has said W cannot choose her induction date, therefore she’s done nothing wrong. What else do you want??? Again, you ALL need to grow up! You’s are nearly 40 fgs!

Butchyrestingface · 24/06/2025 18:54

Tornad · 24/06/2025 18:46

That didn’t happen 😂

Did you GENUINELY wonder when you started this thread whether P was unreasonable to go tonto because W is being induced on her birthday?

Tornad · 24/06/2025 18:46

whitewineandsun · 24/06/2025 18:30

I cannot abide women who start arguments that they can’t win and then squeal victim when they’ve dug themselves a hole.

This is amusing because P seems like that kind of person, and you were at least initially trying to find excuses for her behaviour.

That didn’t happen 😂

OP posts:
mustytrusty · 24/06/2025 18:44

P sounds awful.

BrickBiscuit · 24/06/2025 18:32

Tillow4ever · 24/06/2025 16:49

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that maths wasn’t your strongest subject at school. But in case it’s my maths that’s gone wrong, could you tell me how you got to a more than 10% chance of overlapping birthdays (even if you’re going a day either side I’m struggling to see).

Looking deeper, you have these possible pairs of people (call them A to J):
AB BC CD DE EF FG GH HI IJ
AC BD CE DF EG FH GI HJ
AD BE CF DG EH FI GJ
AE BF CG DH EI FJ
AF BG CH DI EJ
AG BH CI DJ
AH BI CJ
AI BJ
AJ
That's 45 possible combinations of two days. Randomly selecting a number from 365 ninety times, 10% chance of one duplicate seems feasible. Others may correct if I've slipped up anywhere.

whitewineandsun · 24/06/2025 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I cannot abide women who start arguments that they can’t win and then squeal victim when they’ve dug themselves a hole.

This is amusing because P seems like that kind of person, and you were at least initially trying to find excuses for her behaviour.

BrickBiscuit · 24/06/2025 18:15

Tillow4ever · 24/06/2025 16:49

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that maths wasn’t your strongest subject at school. But in case it’s my maths that’s gone wrong, could you tell me how you got to a more than 10% chance of overlapping birthdays (even if you’re going a day either side I’m struggling to see).

It's a quirk in probability statistics, known as the 'Birthday Paradox'. Five of you with one child each is ten people. The chance of two having the same birthday in a random group of ten (though it could be two of the children or the adults, not necessarily one of each) is 10%.

lnks · 24/06/2025 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wow.

Tornad · 24/06/2025 18:09

amalii · 24/06/2025 16:38

omg you and P are delusional. You can’t choose the date you’re induced, and even if you could there’s absolutely no way should she delay it for a pathetic bday that comes around every year. You seem like a horrid friend, thinking the worst of W in her most vulnerable time, so what if she usually makes a fuss over bday, but for you to think for a second she’s getting induced on that date to avoid a bday is beyond ridiculous

What thread have you been reading?!

OP posts:
belle40 · 24/06/2025 17:37

Sorry, did you say you were all still at school?

I don't think I have ever heard anything quite so preposterous.

NattyFox · 24/06/2025 17:10

Er, p is unreasonable.

Andoutcomethewolves · 24/06/2025 17:08

I also don't understand why you and W are being told to grow up etc, or why you're being accused of being rude and relishing the drama. You're only responding to rude people with rude answers. I can also completely understand why you'd come here for some reassurance that the way you see the situation is correct - on the face of it as an outsider it's blindingly obvious P is in the wrong but it's not that easy when you're in the situation!

I had similar OP a couple of years ago (won't go into the details but it was a relationship thing causing me a lot of stress).

Some posters were nice and actually tried to help. Many were calling me pathetic, accusing me of lying or attention seeking, trawling back through previous posts and pointing out small discrepancies (yeah I'm such a loser I've been a troll for over 15 years), getting so angry at me when I didn't immediately take their advice to LTB (I mean there was conflicting advice, what makes theirs so special).

It was a really difficult time anyway and I'd come for support, not to be attacked. I did respond to quite a few nasty posts and was also called 'rude'. Also 'ungrateful to kind posters who've taken time to advise you' (that last one came from the most aggressive, ranty poster 😳).

I got MN to delete it in the end as it was doing my mental health no good.

Maybe just step away from the thread? MN can be great but all too often certain posters just want to bring the OP down.

Good luck however you proceed.

Bluehels · 24/06/2025 17:03

Just because you are booked to be induced on a day, does not mean you will have the baby that day.

But whether or not they baby arrives that day P is completely unreasonable and I would drop a friend like that. You are also unreasonable for entertaining that P is anything but unreasonable

Tillow4ever · 24/06/2025 16:49

sesquipedalian · 24/06/2025 09:56

“My initial thought is that P is being ridiculous but, the more I think about it, W has always made a big deal out of birthdays and now P won’t be W’s focus on her birthday, her DD/DS will be.”

WTAF?? P is being hugely unreasonable. As for “P won’t be W’s focus on her birthday, her DC will be”, statistically as there are five of you in the group, if you have one child each, you have an over 10% chance of overlapping birthdays, and I may be missing something here, but as you get older, any birthday without a 0 on the end is frankly insignificant. Poor old W - it’s bad enough being induced, and induced early at that - it must be tremendously worrying for her - without P’s twattery.

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that maths wasn’t your strongest subject at school. But in case it’s my maths that’s gone wrong, could you tell me how you got to a more than 10% chance of overlapping birthdays (even if you’re going a day either side I’m struggling to see).

Butchyrestingface · 24/06/2025 16:47

I also listed issues with P. If anything, I put in P’s good traits to avoid the responses I was expecting of “why on earth would be friends with her for so long?”

What good traits? You managed to make her sound like a prize-class pain in the arse both when she was low maintenance AND when she was high maintenance. She sounds like a total headbanger.

At least with the other one, she was always high maintenance and what you saw was what you got. She didn't do a complete 180 on her personality and you said she makes a big deal out of other people's celebrations too. I don't think you said that P puts the same energy into other people's big events as she demands of others for hers.

blackpear · 24/06/2025 16:46

P is batshit and completely unreasonable.

I can't understand why you're being given a hard time, OP!

fount · 24/06/2025 16:44

Hadn't RTFT and hadn't seen that 'time to grow up' was apparently hitting a sensitive spot, but I stand by it. As for what I mean, I think that when you're an adult with grown-up responsibilities and spouses and in some cases kids of your own, it's a bit immature to expect your friends to treat your birthday as something of great importance that requires everything else to take a back seat, every year on that date. I'm all for having fun and celebrating, and I don't think birthdays are only for children, but if someone put that much emphasis on it and expected so much limelight every year (even if they were happy to return the favour for my own birthdays), I think I'd find it tiring and too much. I view that as immaturity, hence the opinion that they should grow up.

amalii · 24/06/2025 16:38

omg you and P are delusional. You can’t choose the date you’re induced, and even if you could there’s absolutely no way should she delay it for a pathetic bday that comes around every year. You seem like a horrid friend, thinking the worst of W in her most vulnerable time, so what if she usually makes a fuss over bday, but for you to think for a second she’s getting induced on that date to avoid a bday is beyond ridiculous

fount · 24/06/2025 16:37

I'd think it's time for both W and P to grow up a bit. P sounds mildly insane, but W's version of friendship would be too high-maintenance for me. I can't imagine being in such a demanding friendship that I'd be expected to prioritise things like a friend's birthday celebration to such a degree. That's just too much for me. I find it immature and exhausting to contemplate.

Tornad · 24/06/2025 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Tornad · 24/06/2025 16:18

thepariscrimefiles · 24/06/2025 15:39

OP is only being rude to the posters that have been rude to her. For some reason, loads of posters have taken great offence at this thread and the constant refrain telling OP that she and the rest of her friendship group need to grow up is annoying. It's such a trite and unoriginal put-down. I can't imagine why 'W' needs to grow up. She has been booked in for an induction for medical reasons on a date decided by her doctors. She hasn't done this on purpose to piss 'P' off and ruin her birthday.

Thank you!

It’s crazy that some people are so used to getting away with behaving like nasty little bullies on here that they genuinely feel victimised when spoken to the same way they speak. It’s even weirder that other people also think being rude is fine but responding rudely to rudeness isn’t.

No one has been able to justify the little “grow up” comment. I wonder why…

OP posts:
chocolatemademefat · 24/06/2025 16:14

Are you sure you all left primary school? Who thinks their birthday is more important than the health of a newborn? You’re crazy even to be asking this.

commonsense61 · 24/06/2025 16:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread