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Breakdown in friend group - who is right?

461 replies

Tornad · 24/06/2025 09:00

I’m not either of these two people.

P, W and 3 others have been friend since school, almost 30 years. Now all getting married, having children, etc. Don’t live locally to one another but still close and see each other very regularly (almost always as a group or one-on-one - i.e. we would never meet up as a three or a four without everyone being invited).

W has always been high maintenance as a friend. She expects us to be there for her, get birthday presents, attend birthday events, etc. She also gives out the same energy. She will always organise gifts,I’ve heaven and earth to attend special moments and be on the end of the phone. So, she’s not a hypocrite or a taker. She just expects a lot from friendship in general.

P has always been more relaxed. Unreliable, late to things, forgets things, doesn’t respond for months at a time, didn’t hear her phone… but she’s really fun to be around. Witty, cool, energetic. But, since having her own kids, P has also become quite high maintenance. Everything is a drama, the world is ending every couple of weeks, everything revolves around her DS. She’s very “crunchy mum” and makes her opinions known on our parenting and nutrition. I’m hoping this will pass because I wouldn’t befriend her if I met her now.

Anyway. W is pregnant and being induced early. She hasn’t said but I assume this is for medical reasons. They don’t tend to induce early just for fun. The date for the induction is P’s birthday. P is furious about this. She thinks that W has done this on purpose to usurp her birthday. She has vowed to never speak to W again and says that it’s “the final straw”.

My initial thought is that P is being ridiculous but, the more I think about it, W has always made a big deal out of birthdays and now P won’t be W’s focus on her birthday, her DD/DS will be.

Who is right here?

OP posts:
GasPanic · 24/06/2025 10:39

Friend groups like this are not stable and are bound to split up at some point.

Remove yourself from the drama let the group sort itself out and stay friends with who you want to rather than getting involved in the drama.

looselegs · 24/06/2025 10:38

Induction takes hours and hours, so chances are baby won't be born in the same day anyway.

BrickBiscuit · 24/06/2025 10:38

Tornad · 24/06/2025 09:54

Why?

I can see that the votes are 17% on P’s side right now but you’re the first person to comment on P’s side.

You can't tell who's side the votes are on, as you did not ask a clear question. Votes will be cast on which bit of your OP struck people, as you address both sides without labelling which is U or NU.

coolmum123 · 24/06/2025 10:38

This sounds rather playgroundish to me. Life happens, birthdays are missed through events beyond anyone's control. Everyone just needs to get a grip and stop being so precious.

Knittedfairies2 · 24/06/2025 10:36

Imagine P telling her midwife that her induction would have to be rescheduled because it was her friend's birthday...

endingintiers · 24/06/2025 10:36

Can’t remember who’s who but do you really think a medical professional would time an induction for medical reasons around the patient's friend’s birthday!? The kindest possible description of that reading is self-centred

pikkumyy77 · 24/06/2025 10:34

Tornad · 24/06/2025 09:56

I understand that. But someone else explicitly raised in their comment about good traits of W and then you kicked off at my response saying the good traits of W.

If you’re so aggrieved at it being raised, kick off at them for bringing it up!

If you can recognise that there are lots of people on this thread, maybe try to recognise that you’re not the sole arbiter of what’s relevant.

Actually her point is kind of good. For the purposes if whether P is reasonable or not you don’t need to know who is generally naughty or nice. Maybe P presents it that way, but its not true. Each birthday going forward is not tit for tat for all P’s previous efforts (if any as she was the more self absorbed if the group). The group activities were’nt money in the bank that P put in (and W didn’t) that P is entitled to withdraw on demand.

W cannot choose when to have her induction and over time P’s birthday will be encroached on by any number of random events. The Universe may conspire and prevent people from celebrating on the day for many reasons. P just has to get her head around that.

Tornad · 24/06/2025 10:34

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 24/06/2025 10:28

I swear I have read this exact thread before. Bizarre

Find it then. Otherwise take your troll hunting bollocks elsewhere.

OP posts:
paradisecircus · 24/06/2025 10:33

P is completely in the wrong. It sounds as though she's temporarily taken leave of her senses.

I'm a 'birthday person' & would be delighted to share it with a friend's kid.

BellevueRDV · 24/06/2025 10:33

I can’t take this seriously either, but I suspect that “the final straw” is actually an accumulation of resentment (that you may have not been privy to) between W and P over time. P is presumably using this as an excuse to the end the friendship. I’ve seen this dynamic play out in lots of friendship groups over the years where one person feels they’ve outgrown the group for whatever reason and decides to blow things up rather than gracefully distance themselves, and it’s very sad and hurtful for all involved and caught in the crossfire.

The best thing you can do is not get involved. W will need lots of support both pre and post induction, I’d be focussing on how I could support my long standing friend W with that rather than this playground drama. Leave P to it. You’ve sort of implied that you’ve outgrown your relationship with her in your OP too, so perhaps this is an opportunity to move on.

Tornad · 24/06/2025 10:33

My19thNervousNameChange · 24/06/2025 10:21

I have some advice for you OP.

  1. Grow up
  2. Grow up some more
  3. Get some grown up friends
  4. Taking 'sides' is for 5 year olds
  5. Stop being friends with arseholes just because you've been friends since you were all 6.

Excuse me?

So, your issue is that I’ve “taken sides” against someone who is clearly in the wrong and I should’ve been more neutral when every other post (except one) thinks P has behaved awfully?

OP posts:
CantStopMoving · 24/06/2025 10:31

This is very odd -most people would be super pleased to share the birthday with a mate’s child. There is a date in my family where weirdly I know 4 people with the same one and also the same year! Makes remembering easier. I’m not sure if P thinks she’ll be having kids parties with W’s child?!

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 24/06/2025 10:28

I swear I have read this exact thread before. Bizarre

NeedToChangeName · 24/06/2025 10:27

I'm not sure I'd want to be friends with P or W. They both sound quite hard work, in different ways

MyDeftDuck · 24/06/2025 10:26

FFS, P and W need to bloody grow up and start behaving like adults……..strikes me they are all tarred with the same brush!

FiendsandFairies · 24/06/2025 10:25

AcrobaticCardigan · 24/06/2025 09:05

WTF - I can’t believe you have to ask!

This!! You all sound about 12!!

Subbyhubby · 24/06/2025 10:24

Could p move her bday celebration? It could be the weekend before or after? Or even midweek?
that way everyone can enjoy all their celebrations.

Blinkingbother · 24/06/2025 10:23
  1. You don’t get to choose your induction date.
  2. There’s no guarantee that baby will arrive on the day of induction.
  3. P is an utter twit.
  4. For those asking a ‘crunchy mum’ is someone a little evangelical about natural, pure, healthy parenting (or what they think that is!)
ClairDeLaLune · 24/06/2025 10:22

throwawaynametoday · 24/06/2025 10:16

What does P mean about it being "the final straw"? What have the other straws been?

Yes - what else is P peeved about? Are they things that are all as totally unreasonable as this peeve?

And what is a “crunchy mum”?

Tbh I think you need to tell P that she’s totally unreasonable and if she persists with this and cuts W out then it’s her (P) that needs to leave the friendship group not W.

rrrrrreatt · 24/06/2025 10:22

Tornad · 24/06/2025 09:11

I absolutely did list out good things about W.

“She also gives out the same energy. She will always organise gifts, move heaven and earth to attend special moments and be on the end of the phone. So, she’s not a hypocrite or a taker.”

I also listed issues with P. If anything, I put in P’s good traits to avoid the responses I was expecting of “why on earth would be friends with her for so long?”

Edited

Those are good things but they aren’t personality traits, they’re acts of service. They hinge what she gives not who she is.

Tiddlywinksrus · 24/06/2025 10:21

Omg what on earth is wrong with P. What an insane view. Sorry P is mental.

PracticallyIncompetentInEveryWay · 24/06/2025 10:21

I can't take this seriously. I'm convinced it is a windup. How could anyone behave like such a spoilt brat and how could anyone possibly question whether W is being unreasonable. The concern should be for her and her unborn child. P is for pitiful excuse for a friend.

My19thNervousNameChange · 24/06/2025 10:21

I have some advice for you OP.

  1. Grow up
  2. Grow up some more
  3. Get some grown up friends
  4. Taking 'sides' is for 5 year olds
  5. Stop being friends with arseholes just because you've been friends since you were all 6.
QuaintGreenFawn · 24/06/2025 10:20

The baby might not even be born on that day. Induction can take a while to get going, especially if it's a bit early so might not be a birthday clash after all

andfinallyhereweare · 24/06/2025 10:19

@Tornad P is so unreasonable, how is this up for debate? She doesn’t own a birthday! Madness.

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