Asking a child if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend

At the risk of derailing the thread, which planet are you from originally @CluelessAboutBiology?

I'm 70 and I wouldn't dream of asking anyone that question, no matter their age. But maybe especially not children.

But I do have friends of my own age group who ask me about my children (30s & 40s) and boyfriends. I enjoy reacting in a 'why on earth would you be asking that?' kind of way.

It's definitely an older generation thing and thankfully seems to be dying off. Let kids be kids and mature at their own pace. I don't like the adultification (or the heteronormativity)

I loathe this, my son used to go to a barber's when he was about 7 & the barber's would ask him 'do you have a girlfriend' or 'How's your girlfriend' & I could tell my son found it uncomfortable so I asked him about it after it happened a few times & he basically said he didn't like it & didn't want to go back so we changed barber's. I think it's seen as 'banter' and 'a joke' but some kid's don't like it.

I told my DS to say he's got a boyfriend if an older uncle kept pestering him just to switch the tables and make him uncomfortable. My DS was smarter than me and said "No, I prefer being a bachelor just like you".

I hear what everybody is saying. And it’s not a question I would ever ask anybody, let alone a child. But, my family would NEVER have asked such a question. Having a partner is not something they would discuss unless marriage or pregnancy was announced. I found it so refreshing when a random
great aunt asked friend if they had a boyfriend when we were in our late teens. It was something that could be talked about, unlike in my family.

agree with PP
be very direct with him, out of the children's presence and before he does it again
'FIL, remember last time you asked about the children having boyfriend/girlfriends? It makes them very uncomfortable. Please don't do it again. Why not ask them (insert preferable easy topic/open ended question)
even better if you can do this when MIL is there also.

Oh behave

‘of course they have friends of the opposite sex, DGF, there isn’t so much segregation as there used to be. Kids just play with whoever they like the most at the moment’.

Oh do be quiet, he’s not asking them if they are shagging somebody behind the bike sheds. Pity to be your children.

Inappropriate for many reasons. It perpetuates the idea that you must have a partner for starters. Of course, girls are asked about boyfriends and boys are asked about girlfriends. That reinforces the idea that a non-hetero relationship isn't 'normal'.

Weird question, but it didn’t used to be considered that weird, so if you don’t think he’s creepy, my guess is he’s just behind the times.

In my personal experience of being a child around thirty years ago, some adults would ask the question just to see the kids go, “Ugh! No! Boys/girls are gross!”, but that was in the US, so YMMV.

Its creepy

Yeah completely agree. Elderly grandparents asking teenagers about girlfriends / boyfriends isn't the friendly banter it was once perceived as and is completely intrusive. If oldest wait until the child announces it when they feel comfortable.

I do wonder if this is the culture in some places for some reason there’s a lot of boyfriend / girlfriend in the younger classes of local primary / nursery. It’s all very innocent, I remember one little chap in nursery who had three girlfriends.

I think it lasted up to p2/3. I do agree if they don’t like it, he shouldn’t ask.

Mine did the same. I told him gently that the child was far too young and we didn’t want to use that kind of word for friends because it has a distinct meaning. ‘perhaps you could ask about (hobby) or friends instead like you do us?
He took it well and hasn’t done it since.

give some alternatives. It’s a clumsy conversation starter for someone who’s probably not good with kids (making assumptions about generational parenting)

It’s not just older people - DS (5) best pal at school is a girl and HER PARENTS have made more than one joke about them getting married. Thankfully not in earshot of the kids, but still.

My sister has asked my DC this since they started primary school, probably even before. It irritates the shit out of me. I don't know if its 'working class' as suggested above but its a very old fashioned question. My sister has always been older than her years.

YANBU. A child aged 6-9 shouldn't have a bf or gf and to be asked by grandad all the time is very awkward. Is he ok mentally? Have you spoken to your MIL about it too? She might be better at telling him to stop as his wife. It is inappropriate and it makes your children feel uncomfortable yet he still does it. I think you or your husband need a quiet, firm, polite word with him that it is awkward for the children, they are just in primary school and that it needs to stop. End of. Grandparents can be some of the most wonderful people in your life at those ages, but also say what seems silly things and can upset a child.

YANBU. It’s a horrid question to ask a
child at any age. If they are little children it’s ridiculous and weird to ask that.

If they are teenagers it’s excruciating to be asked to talk about your love life (or lack of, which can be very difficult for teens to deal with as it is!).

Your FIL needs to be told to stop and pulled up on it openly every time he does. “Silly old grandad asking if someone your age has a girlfriend, what a lot of rubbish eh. He’s forgotten we told him about this already - perhaps you need to get yourself to the memory clinic FIL.”

It does seem to be an older generation, working class turn of phrase, which is dying out really. As it should.

Even worse than “do you have a boy/girlfriend - in the late 00’s, when social media was still new, people referring to their children as “my sexy lil man” and “my sexy lil princess” was not uncommon. Fortunately everyone seems to have collectively remembered that “sexy” is not an appropriate term to refer to a child, and it has died a death. Still baffles me that anyone ever thought it was.

Well on another thread a woman's dd8 has a boyfriend!!!