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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asking a child if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend

81 replies

CoffeeBreak8 · 23/06/2025 23:45

My FIL asks my children (albeit in a jokey/playful way) if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend at school. I have 2 sons and 1 daughter, all aged between 6 & 9. I can see it makes them feel awkward and leads to them teasing each other. I just think it’s really weird and have replied saying “no they don’t, they just have friends” but he asks every time. Am I being unreasonable finding this question inappropriate?

OP posts:
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mumuseli · 06/07/2025 18:32

What I don't like about that question is it's so heteronormative, ie asking girls if they have a boyfriend... or asking the boys if they have a girlfriend. Laying down that idea early in their life that that is the expectation. No wonder people struggle to come out.

MNTouristhere · 06/07/2025 18:26

I recall when DD was in primary another parent commenting on how my daughter and her son liked to play together and I said was lovely and maybe we could arrange for them to meet to to play outside if school and next thing she cooing about oo yes, a proper date, and shouting to her kid, hey C were arranging a date for you and H. She then turns to me and says if it goes well, maybe they can go exclusive - they were 6 ffs!!
Had to pull back in the whole plan as creeped me out sexualising six year olds!!

lottiegarbanzo · 06/07/2025 18:19

pinkyredrose · 06/07/2025 17:32

It’s a question based in a culture of low educational and career expectations, basically.

You may be a tad over reaching!

I knew that would be the reaction but, based on a combination of thinking it through, plus my experience of the type of people who ask this question, I honestly believe I’m onto something.

pinkyredrose · 06/07/2025 17:32

It’s a question based in a culture of low educational and career expectations, basically.

You may be a tad over reaching!

DearDenimEagle · 06/07/2025 13:48

LavenderBlue19 · 06/07/2025 03:46

Punished you? I hope you've since left the OH.

Show quote history

Yes, I did. Eventually escaped

billandtedsexcellentadventure · 06/07/2025 09:06

It’s very old fashioned. But what shocks me more is parents I know encouraging children of ten years boyfriends and inviting them round for
tea!! Madness.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/07/2025 08:56

As for this being a ‘normal question from old people (when we were children)’ yes, people born in the 1900s-20s who were old in the 1970-90s. People whose norm was that women became housewives upon marriage, which typically happened from age 16-early 20s. So who therefore saw boyfriends / girlfriends among teenagers as serious relationships, so children playing at this as normal.

It’s a question based in a culture of low educational and career expectations, basically.

A more normal question, from an adult who doesn’t expect boys to work in manual jobs and girls to become housewives, would be about what subjects they enjoy, what books they’re reading, who their friends are and that other old chestnut ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/07/2025 08:30

‘They’re children, you weirdo’ seems an appropriate response, surely?

whereisit1 · 06/07/2025 07:53

Midlifecrisis765 · 24/06/2025 19:55

I have no issue with it unless it’s repetitive and annoying, which maybe this is.

My DC 8 has two girlfriends and they have both said they are going to marry him. Doesnt bother me in the slightest.

This! I don't get the replies on this thread at all

Rabbitmother1 · 06/07/2025 07:37

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 23/06/2025 23:51

Why is he sexualising children? Big red flag. No unsupervised visits and I'd be tempted to cut him off completely.

Give over! I don’t like it but it’s a well known old fashioned comment! What an overreaction, he could be a fantastic grandparent to the kids and you would cut off that relationship for no reason 🙄

LavenderBlue19 · 06/07/2025 03:46

DearDenimEagle · 26/06/2025 16:52

It’s something I always hated. My FiL told my middle son to be careful at school because all the girls would want him to be their bf…when he was 5 and just about to start school. At the first parents night , the teacher told me he was so unhappy. I’d walked round the classroom and the penny dropped. I told her about FiL and pointed out , son was sitting between 2 girls and opposite another. (Table of 6 ) She moved him to an end seat opposite another boy and he calmed down. By the following February, he was buying Valentines cards for girls in his class. He could have done without the trauma of being wound up by his granpa. I couldn’t say anything. My OH would have punished me for disrespecting his father

Punished you? I hope you've since left the OH.

pushthebuttonnn · 06/07/2025 03:46

pinkyredrose · 01/07/2025 16:27

Rather an overreaction!

Show quote history

I was hoping this is the poster's attempt at sattire!

ImGoneUnderground · 06/07/2025 03:38

Does he still have a partner? MIL? Hope he does but if not, let them ask him the same question or why he wants to know??
Or maybe just TELL him not to question them in this way - its not appropriate, it makes you & them uncomfortable - ask why he is asking?? F** the generation thing - its just wrong, not funny. And why is a FIL your problem - surely up to your DH to resolve this?

Cannaa89 · 01/07/2025 17:01

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 23/06/2025 23:51

Why is he sexualising children? Big red flag. No unsupervised visits and I'd be tempted to cut him off completely.

Lol such a mumsnet answer

InterestedDad37 · 01/07/2025 16:49

amber763 · 25/06/2025 14:53

Don't be stupid. He's an old man and it's just something older people ask kids for a bit of a laugh. All my old aunties and uncles used to ask the same when I was a kid.

Show quote history

Same here, as in it was the sort of thing (some weird) adults asked when I was a kid - but that was the 1960s. I'm officially old myself, and I wouldn't dream of asking it to any kid.

pinkyredrose · 01/07/2025 16:27

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 23/06/2025 23:51

Why is he sexualising children? Big red flag. No unsupervised visits and I'd be tempted to cut him off completely.

Rather an overreaction!

pollymere · 28/06/2025 10:58

Mine used to tell FIL that he was old fashioned and silly. Not by my prompting but because of how uncomfortable they felt. Just get the kids to make him feel out of touch and old and he'll soon stop. "Oh Grandad, you're so silly".

silentlyleavetheirlife · 26/06/2025 19:48

Maybe he find it awkward talking to children and this is his line. Inappropriate but

Original poster
CoffeeBreak8 · 26/06/2025 19:45

DearDenimEagle · 26/06/2025 16:52

It’s something I always hated. My FiL told my middle son to be careful at school because all the girls would want him to be their bf…when he was 5 and just about to start school. At the first parents night , the teacher told me he was so unhappy. I’d walked round the classroom and the penny dropped. I told her about FiL and pointed out , son was sitting between 2 girls and opposite another. (Table of 6 ) She moved him to an end seat opposite another boy and he calmed down. By the following February, he was buying Valentines cards for girls in his class. He could have done without the trauma of being wound up by his granpa. I couldn’t say anything. My OH would have punished me for disrespecting his father

Ah it just goes to show that seemingly innocent words and remarks can have a big impact on little ears. Sorry to hear that you wouldn’t feel able to openly discuss this with your FIL, this sounds difficult for you x

OP posts:
DearDenimEagle · 26/06/2025 16:52

It’s something I always hated. My FiL told my middle son to be careful at school because all the girls would want him to be their bf…when he was 5 and just about to start school. At the first parents night , the teacher told me he was so unhappy. I’d walked round the classroom and the penny dropped. I told her about FiL and pointed out , son was sitting between 2 girls and opposite another. (Table of 6 ) She moved him to an end seat opposite another boy and he calmed down. By the following February, he was buying Valentines cards for girls in his class. He could have done without the trauma of being wound up by his granpa. I couldn’t say anything. My OH would have punished me for disrespecting his father

Hopingtobeaparent · 25/06/2025 23:24

Agree with it tending to be a generational thing. Also stems from not knowing what else to ask, maybe?

Depending on the relationship you have with FiL, and his communication style, a side conversation may be better than the humour, embarrassment, approach.

amber763 · 25/06/2025 14:53

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 23/06/2025 23:51

Why is he sexualising children? Big red flag. No unsupervised visits and I'd be tempted to cut him off completely.

Don't be stupid. He's an old man and it's just something older people ask kids for a bit of a laugh. All my old aunties and uncles used to ask the same when I was a kid.

Original poster
CoffeeBreak8 · 25/06/2025 14:51

Theyreeatingthedogs · 25/06/2025 12:49

Tell him your oldest son has a boyfriend. That will probably shut him up.

It probably would 😂

OP posts:
Theyreeatingthedogs · 25/06/2025 12:49

Tell him your oldest son has a boyfriend. That will probably shut him up.

PizzaPowder · 25/06/2025 12:21

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 23/06/2025 23:51

Why is he sexualising children? Big red flag. No unsupervised visits and I'd be tempted to cut him off completely.

Oh Behave