to want to feel loved?

You’re making it sound as though something is wrong with OP for not being ok with this. If he’s not in love with her, but wants to stay together for mutual convenience/child rearing, then he shouldn’t be having sex with her. Men can usually have sex without feelings being involved, but women will often end up feeling used.

As soon as the kids are old enough, he’ll be off with someone that he does have strong feelings for, and OP will have wasted years that she could have spent building a life with someone who loves her.

I will say that he’s done her a favour by being honest. Most men won’t be, and then the wife is ‘blindsided’ when he starts an affair.

I suspect you have made yourself vulnerable by having three children with him without being married. You need to focus on the financial implications of leaving him. Or him leaving you, which he is highly likely to do at some point, if and when he meets someone who lights his fire.

Do you earn similar amounts or has he pulled ahead in his career while you focus more on home and children? Do you have similar amounts saved in pensions and other investments? Do you own your own home, if so is it as joint tenants or tenants in common? Are you named as the beneficiary in his will and his pension - but note that this can be changed very easily.

I can understand that these issues may seem secondary to you now, given the devastating realisation that he doesn’t truly love you, but you need to focus on practicalities and formulate an exit plan. It is better if YOU are the one to instigate the breakup, rather than wait and hope, in vain, that the relationship will improve.

I would actually at least stay until the children start high school
People find it all very easy to romanticise how the grass is greener but actually the reality of it is your life will be identical but with less support less finances and he will skip off into the sunset and meet somebody else and you’ll probably have to watch him have another baby with somebody marry them in six months and it will be sickening
Whilst you can’t get him to babysit so you can have a Tinder date

Then you’ve answered your own question. You’ve decided that you have unrealistic expectations and have settled for what he’s prepared to offer you. A relationship that goes through the motions, nothing more

Can you imagine that for potentially another 50 years?

Hes there because he knows where his bread is buttered and he gets an easy life and sex on demand

Raise your standards or you’re showing your children this is exactly what a loving family look like….. it isn’t

He's not being cruel, he's being honest. He's ok with his life with you. He gets a mom for his kids and sex and unless something better comes along, he's not going anywhere because he's comfortable.

But, you sound like you're not ok with being with a guy who doesn't love you. He settled for a comfortable but loveless life but you're unhappy with it.

Why haven’t you asked him to leave?

You’re allowing him to have perfunctory sex no doubt when it suits him. Is that really satisfactory to you?

Jeez you’re worth so much better. Yes there are absolutely good men out there, you need to raise your standards.
Why are you putting up with being in such a crap relationship?

I think, at this point, the hardest thing would be coming to terms with the fact that he doesn’t love you and then believing that you can be happy, and that you deserve to be happy, but that it’s not going to happen all the time you’re still married to him. He’s ground your self esteem down to the point where you actually believe that it’s just going to be the case that your life isn’t going to have happiness in it. That’s simply unacceptable, both for you and for your children.

There is nothing confusing about the way he is behaving unless you’re clinging onto a little crumb of hope that your marriage is going to survive; being confused is less painful than realising that he’s a fucking arsehole and your marriage is dead in the water.

I understand the practicalities of leaving might mean that it would be difficult with the children, but I would very strongly advise you to start stashing cash away. Enough for a deposit on a rental property, a few months rent and some basic furnishings. Bury it in the garden or hide it under under the carpet or even in the pocket of an old pair of jeans in the back of the wardrobe if you don’t want a paper trail, because sooner or later he’s going to announce he’s off to pastures new and you’re going to feel blindsided.

He’s got someone else lined up. Foregone conclusion.

he is waiting for you to be an arsehole back so he has an excuse to leave you.

He openly declared he no longer loves you and thinks he's doing you a favour by staying with you.
Obviously you were in shock and didn't know which way to turn as you had just given birth to his baby. What a cruel, cruel, selfish man.
Having stayed with him since then in the hope that he may fall back in love with you again, has has resulted in you being conditioned to live with a partner in a relationship that is loveless.
This is why you think you are not worthy of love.
He did that to you when you were at your most vulnerable time of your life.
He has taken full advantage of you since making that declaration. He has deprived you of a loving, fulfilling relationship and he has deprived his children of a loving household where their mentors adore eachother.
They will grow up to think relationships are loveless.
You know you deserve 100% more than this. Go and get it. Change your life.

People are saying you’re too young to settle for this, but I can’t think of it as acceptable at any age! As women we should stick together and tell each other it’s never acceptable to live like this. Your kids will pick up on your unhappiness.

Honestly this sounds actually abusive that he gives you some crumbs of sex and a hug if you ask but says he doesn't love you and has somehow convinced you that he is the one being kind to you. He is not being kind. I wonder if there are other ways he is unkind to you?
^
I'd start by no more sex, actual separation within the household however possible (separate rooms if possible). If he doesn't at least care for you in a loving way then you are not together and he doesn't get to reap the rewards of a relationship with you but put no effort in.

If you do split up (and I think you should), all you need to say is that he hasn't loved you since your youngest was born. That's all the justification you need.^

Sounds like it’s time for you to make your own mind up, lovely. It sounds like you’ve been lonely for a while and you really don’t deserve this or need to live that way.
Whatever you decide to do, whenever you decide to do it, I will still wishing you strength, peace and that you find the love you seek.

This came to light when our youngest was a few weeks old and he announced he didn’t feel the same way about me anymore but obviously he would stay for the kids Wow. That’s big of him. Are you supposed to be grateful for that? Did he even ask you if that was the sort of marriage you wanted?

He’s a shit. A cruel, entitled shit.

He told you this weeks after the birth of your child, at an incredibly vulnerable time for any mother. And since then, he’s been getting all the benefits of having a loving family, without having any emotional investment in the person who has made it possible. I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to ‘not’ be with you; you enable him to have a very nice life, living in a house he probably wouldn’t be able to afford on his own, with constant access to the DC, without having to organise his own childcare etc, and sex whenever he wants it, all without having any love or care for you. Is he seeing other women?

And what happens when the children are grown? Does he have a plan for leaving? Are you on a countdown to divorce? Will he wait until the youngest leaves school and then announce he’s off, leaving you feeling like you’ve missed the boat in terms of a happy relationship? Because if that’s his plan, then you aren’t settling; you’re being used as a place holder. Or is he suggesting that you stay together permanently? So you can have a lonely retirement too?

I know you’re worried about upsetting your DC. But bloody hell, this sounds a miserable way to live.

I think there are probably many, many married couples out there who love one another but aren't "in love" anymore, who aren't romantic with each other but care about one another, aren't passionate but still have sex in half-hearted functional way. People who stay together because they still get on well, feel they're a good team, that they've got a good life on balance and want to remain a family. I think if both parties feel contented with the above then that's a valid choice, and probably makes for a much better marraige than many of the absolute shit-shows you read about on here.

I think what makes this different, OP and why posters are describing it as "cruel" is the way its been communicated. He announced that he wasn't in love with you when were a few weeks post partum, an incredibly vulnerable time for a woman, and does not seem to have made any effort to get the spark back. Telling you that he's only staying for the kids, what's the point of that? I can understand the importance of telling your partner that you're unhappy in the marriage for the purposes of working on it together to improve things, or because you've decided to leave them. But what is the actual point in telling your partner that you're not in love with them anymore and that you're going to stay with them but just for the kids? It's not constructive, it's not like you can really do anything about it so what purpose could this possibly serve other than to make you feel like shit? That's why its cruel.

Omg leave

Youre so young. There's a life out there for you, with a man who loves you.

It sounds like there won't be any fuss from your man. Leave, set up a coparenting arrangement. Do the work on yourself and then get back out there! ❤️

It’s so not an unrealistic fairytale - it’s what makes life worth living - to give and receive love

I think either he is very immature and he has unrealistic expectations of what love is in a long term relationship or he’s an arse. I’m not sure which of those he is - or both! You deserve better.

So he's wanting to have sex with you but shows you no love or affection? And you have three kids?

Sorry OP, but he's a loser. I hope you find the strength to leave him. This must be soul-destroying for you, I am so sorry. You deserve better.

I could have won Cynic of the Year after my last relationship ended. I was so over it - relationships, men, in-laws, feigning interest in a man’s hobbies. Just done.

Exactly 15 months later I met DP. My inner cynic kept him at arm’s length for the first few months - as a ‘FWB’ - but he melted my cold, English heart and now we have evolved into something more, and I’m, well, in free-fall ☺️.

So yes, they’re out there.

Advice to the OP: you’re 32, get out of this depressing mess.

Your dp isn’t being fair to you, or you being fair to yourself, by having perfunctory sex and staying together for the kids. This doesn’t sound particularly ‘caring’ and makes for difficult reading, so it must be even harder to live it.

Had he not changed his view in 6years since he said he isn’t in love with you? Does he still say / believe this?

You’re 32 - are you going to last til some somewhat arbitrary future date for your kids (youngest turns 16is the oft cited one) before you’ll allow yourself happiness and freedom?

If you’re both aligned that staying together matters to you (and you might well be), then what can you both do to improve the relationship (eg counselling, shared activities, open relationship,…)? If you agree you aren’t happy together you can still Coparent in a constructive way. Neither of you need to accept blame, shame or fault for the dissolution of the sexual / married relationship and it does not need to diminish your friendly / parenting relationship at all. The longer this goes on the more you possibly jeopardise the latter.