How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

I see my MIL 1-2 times per month, and it’s probably about 50:50 as to who hosts. She lives about 50 minutes away, doesn’t drive either but will happily get the bus. DH usually drops her home but she doesn’t expect lifts. FIL is more frail and we only see him when we visit their house. I like my PIL and would be happy to see them more often but it’s trickier due to distance, our jobs and because MIL looks after SIL’s DC (they live on the same street).

If I worked FT however, I think it would be more difficult to manage because I’d be trying to squeeze everything into the weekend. Especially if MIL expected to be brought to our house. I did see that you are disabled so obviously you can’t help that though! We have a Mobility car due to DH’s walking difficulties but I appreciate we are lucky to have it.

I think op just be glad that your DS sees you more frequently and I’m sure he’ll ensure that future GC will too.

OP, do you really not see that all your threads are very relevant, and you should be taking the advice that you received on previous ones? You will push them both away for good if you keep up like this.

They will likely be living further away once babies come along so weekly dinners and additional midweek visits are not in your future, you are setting yourself up for more disappointment and it's no ones fault but yours.

Now that you have admitted to being the poster of the other threads mentioned:
Back off with the guilt tripping and emotional manipulation! You will drive both of them away for good.

DIL here. We live 300 miles away from MIL. She drives yet hasn't visited us in 6 years. We both used to go see her 3 or 4 times a year. Occasionally I'd send DH on his own because I needed space from him lol we have seen MIL twice in the past year. Once for a funeral and the other when we were coming home from our holiday. She made excuses and went upstairs for the evening both times. I don't think she likes me, my kids or her son tbh. Yet we are going to visit her next week because I feel we kinda have to. I'm sure she will only do something else to make us feel unwelcome.

Hold on a minute. Your expectations are that once the relationship is fixed, they would come for dinner weekly, and more often than that if they have DC?

That is too much pressure. Quarter it.

It’s all relevant it’s the back story.

This isn’t a dil hates me I don’t know why.

This is a I blame Dil for a lot of things that either shouldn’t be expected from her.

It’s your son’s job to celebrate you on Mother’s Day not her. His speech thanked you she thanks her mother. She went dress shopping with her mum, you are not her mum. You asked a busy bride who works late in the run up to her wedding to take you, if you needed help again your son is the person to ask.

You’re ringing him constantly and moaning she doesn’t come round but he does.

You need to lower your expectations a lot. Nothing worse than being badgered to death by someone you’re polite to for someone you love. The resentment builds massively.

It may be unintentional or you may be unaware but the tone of your comments portrays a victim complex. (Sad reality is no one wants to spend time with the victim especially as your victim stance framed DIL as the perpetrator)

Relationships work both ways and have peaks and troughs, but if I was you I would try and offer help to them, see how you could be useful in their lives? I suspect your retired and they are working? Many parents have lots of free time and skills and it’s nice and loving to offer your time and help.

you mentioned about them picking you up, do you not drive?/unable to use public transport

I always visit when husband does, we're invited and expected as a couple.
It would be weird if I didn't go, and I've only done this because of illness.
But then we have a nice relationship with his parents, see them roughly fortnightly, but it varies, sometimes more often, sometimes less depending on how busy everyone is.
I have no contact with my own family, which is likely a factor, but my in-laws have only ever been kind and easy company, which is the more important bit I suppose.

Very relevant, it paints a fuller picture of your expectations and behaviour

Are you the same person who got upset that you wasn’t mentioned specifically in a wedding speech, because your DIL mentioned her own mum?

I've read previous posts, you sound hard work and determined badger your DIL. You can’t force a relationship, let her be

Asking her to take you dress shopping is a massive ask, she would have had a million things to do. It's also unreasonable for you to expect to have been invited to her dress shopping. You are not her mother.

I very rarely see my MIL. Maybe 2-3 times a year - and we only live 30 mins away. My DP goes without me. I'm genuinely busy and most of the time when she invites us over I can't go. (And my partner doesn't see my mum any more often - we're pretty separate. I spend lots of time with my own mum without my partner.)

I feel for you but sometimes those relationships aren’t built that way. i think starting off ‘weekly’ seems a bit much. I also think it’s fine for her to join in maybe 1/3 of the times (this is what DH and I do to our respective parents/PIL).

Depending on travel distance maybe once a month at a nearby pub as a neutral space gets the ball rolling? If you’re prepping this relationship with a view to what happens when the grandkids come that is also not fair on your DiL - it sounds like you are jumping ahead to a future state or future concern re low contact.

Oh god no to once a week duty dinners. I say duty dinners because that’s what they become. I used to enjoy the ooo Sunday dinner at in-laws they but the posh foods and go all out. Then it became expected that we would want to go every Sunday and then it was oh your not coming?? Then it was dreading going. Till it stopped happening eventually.

Though I’ve jinxed myself. My mil has just text to announce she shall be popping by shortly with “bag of stuff”…. Best get dusting.

If posters here picked up on it within two or three posts, then you can bet the DIL has.

The MiL expectations seem incredibly high. Not many would be invited wedding dress shopping for example. A weekly dinner, and more often with kids? That’s crackers.

My bet would be DIL started off trying to have a good relationship and realised that whatever she did it was never going to be enough, so pulled back entirely.

I rarely visit my ILs with DH, who visits them usually once per week. Various reasons and I’m sure they probably think I hate them, when I don’t, I just don’t particularly enjoy spending time with them. This generally came about when dc were small and I’d have a break while they visited, but they are older now, and I still don’t visit and often the dc don’t either, their choice. We live locally so see them quite frequently anyway to socialise together (eg birthdays, bbqs or random meals out), and they pop round to our house fairly regularly, so I rarely go 2 weeks without seeing them.

This is mainly because ILs are old fashioned in terms of expecting a visit where everyone sits around and chats for an hour or two, which is a bit alien to me as my family tend to communicate very regularly via WhatsApp group and only meet in person for a specific reason eg to pick something up from one another’s house, or to specifically socialise.

Spending a couple of hours of my weekend just sitting there listening to inane every day stuff (often with a racist or slightly ignorant slant imo) just isn’t something I want to do. I do feel a little guilty in terms of DH feelings about it, but that is the situation at the moment and I think we’re both relatively comfortable with it. I’m sure it’s seen as rude, but my own DM did similar with her ILs when I was young (but would only see them approx once per year).

I don’t think she is a horrible person but maybe self absorbed

Oh the irony

What do you do to make and maintain contact with your DIL, OP? Why should she visit you, if you haven’t invested time and effort into the relationship? You may well have done all you can, but that’s not clear from your post. During the first ten years I always went with DP if he asked, and made a particular effort after having children - at least 2-3 times a year and then hosted visits from her. But I began to realise I was putting all the effort in - and now DP takes thd kids (now 15 and 17) on his own - those visits feel like duty visits for all three.

Because every time you post a variation on the same tale, each time you get the same advice and each time you ignore it in favour of starting another thread making the same complaints.

Are you going to ignore all the advice this time as well? Have you taken any actions on the advice given previously?

Sounds like the same poster.

Thread after thread after thread.

Because often, the back story is relevant. You have lots of complaints about your DIL and her perceived shortcomings, which she may well have picked up on.

More often than weekly with small grandchildren!

Yeah, that is utterly unreasonable.

But you’re not going to have a good relationship if she hates you, are you?
Have you invited them for a weekly dinner at your house? I have to say that I adore my MIL but weekly but be a bit of a bind… we have lives, jobs, hobbies and friends to fit in too.
I think the main issue here is that you think you’re not going to get enough time with your grandchildren (if there are any, they may decide not to have children).