How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

Do you have a job OP? Hobbies? Friends? Because you seem to expect an awful lot of your son and his wife. All these phone calls for starters - the fact that he’s had to negotiate to keep his evenings free for his wife so now has to have a regular lunch break call AT WORK, the poor guy. That’s in addition to the fact that he frequently visits you on his way home. I’m sure he loves you but you seem very needy of his time and attention and that must be draining. Plus asking to be driven everywhere, taken shopping and no doubt many other things you haven’t mentioned…

Re the DIL not coming round in the evenings after work, can you not see that after working a long day the last thing she probably feels like doing is getting in the car and driving half an hour for a duty visit and then driving home again?

The wedding money fiasco aside, I think the real issue is you not letting your baby boy grow up. Until you release the reigns on him your DIL is going to find you hard work.

You can only change your behaviour, and you can’t force her to want that relationship. But I think if you can fundamentally reset your view of your DIL - and accept the relationship boundaries your son and DIL want without blaming her for you not getting to see and speak to you son as much as you would like then I think both your sons and DIL might notice a shift in your attitude. I have no doubt that your resentment will be showing itself even if you think you hide it.

I know this is so mean, and you just want a good relationship with you son, but the more you push and be needy, the more you are going to push them away.

I know you’re disabled but maybe you should seek some practical support from the council. And share the emotional burden with all your children so that when you speak to your son it can be more happy and lighthearted convos sometimes - if they’re not already. But just from your posts my guess is that they will be intense

This just illustrates how the OP is not taking on board the lives of her DS and DIL. She wants even more than the frequent phone calls during her DS’s lunch breaks, the frequent visits after work etc.

Now she wants weekly meals and expects a greater frequency of visits when / if grandchildren arrive.

This also ignores the sad fact that her son finds the pressure she places on him intolerable. It’s sad but OP needs to develop her own social circle.

My brothers partner was really close with my mum. Or rather while my brother lived at home she had to have lots of interaction with my mother so it looked like they were friends.

Once my brother moved out that all stopped because it was only polite friendliness not actual friendship. My mother like you was quite hurt by it she didn’t see that my brothers partner was being over friendly because she could hardly walk in the house straight up to brother room and order in a take away for the two of them. So chat happened, take aways together, taking in turns cooking. Even the odd day trip because she felt it would be rude to not offer every so often.

He moved out they live together. She never sees the “DIL” unless my brother is with her and mostly he sees her without his partner like often she visits her family without him.

She’s not horrible. I think she’s lovely and my children like her and my brother clearly loves her.

She doesn’t hate my mum she just doesn’t have to have forced interactions because she doesn’t have to see her every other day just to see her partner now.

Do you work op? Do you have any other family around/nearby? Is there a local community center or library that hosts hobby events?
I think you need to widen your community op, enrich your life and fill it with things other than family family family, your children are making their own primary family units. The distance and less frequent visits are natural, these things ebb and flow with life changes and having such restricted expectations cause upset where none was intended.
You aren't in control of how they live their lives but you can control what YOU do now your children have successfully flown the nest.

I see my MIL quite a bit she sometimes stays over at Christmas for a few days and comes round almost every weekend, we only live 10 minutes away from her so that makes it easier, we have always made the effort with each other though and can talk to each other, I think that makes a difference to be honest both parties need to be making an effort and usually it helps if its early on in the relationship, I was staying at my in laws house quite a lot when I first started seeing my husband and made the effort to get to know them and I didn't refuse to go even if I didn't feel like it because i knew they would be part of my life and I accepted that I needed to do things to help that relationship with them

it be nice for us to have a weekly dinner at my house. Then when grandchild come along they will be able to come more often.

Your DIL doesn't want a closer relationship, though. 🤔😅

My husband would frequently stop by during the workday to see his mum so I would have been unable to join him. It was always a relief when I didn't have to go. It is not that I hated my MIL we just had very little to talk about and it sometimes felt awkward.

I see my PILs about twice a year. They live in the same town as my parents but two hours from us so if I go to see my mum with the kids I might pop in for a cuppa but usually not as I don't find them easy to spend time with and nor do the kids. (They aren't horrible, just incredibly boring)

I see my parents more often because they come to visit us but the PILs won't drive here any more so we're see them much less

This would be the best way forward letting him contact you.

Why not just wait for him to call in general? Doesn’t seem like you can give him a week without trying.

How often do you call your other DC?

Give him some space. He isn’t your best friend, he needs to live his life. On his lunch break he will want to eat his lunch and have some DOWN TIME from work. That doesn’t mean spending it entertaining his mother, having social “catch ups”

Most folk want to sit alone on their lunch breaks because they’ve just spent hours chatting and being “switched on.” Let him switch off and relax. You’re stressing us out just reading your posts I can’t imagine how stressed out your son and DIL are.

You could try waiting for him to phone you.

So now he doesn't get a lunch break to relax.

He’s probably trying to eat his lunch on his lunch break 🙄

How often?

OP, did you also post about how you call your son when you know his wife is getting home from work, and you expressed surprise and annoyance that he gets off the phone to greet her? The OP of that thread thought her son was in a controlling relationship. That OP thought that 3 x 15 minute phone calls a week was perfectly acceptable. Was that you?

It's all somewhat greek tragedy. Mother, vying with DIL for sons attention. Quite distasteful and Freudian.

I'm afraid this is true.

I can see that you are having to adjust to the empty nest that you have now that your DS no longer lives with you. But this is something that you just have to face and crack on with.

You have put a burden on your son that you don't put on your other children that your son has even complained about in the past, and yet here you are again not facing up to the situation.

On the one hand you now mention that you don't phone your son as much as you were (and frankly you were phoning him far far too often) and then on the other hand you now want him to visit for a meal every week on top of the fact that he does drop in and see you sometimes after work. It's all simply too much.

You already ring them and ask them what they are doing at the weekend and if they casually say not much you dive straight in and ask them to come over. Sometimes couples just want down time on their own at the weekend without any plans at all.

If you have a sister locally can you not try and build more of a social life with her to expand your horizons in other ways that do not involve your son?

My DILs live a long way away, like world distance, so that's the reason we don't visit. But the occasions we do see them are painful, because they are very boring. They have done lots of travelling and have literally nothing to say about any of the places they have visited. My FIL is quite grumpy, my MIL is only really interested in talking about the 'fresh fruit and vegetables' she can buy at their local supermarket. They are quite capable of sitting through a meal in silence, the only sound being knife and fork scraping. It is incredibly wearing, and my heart sinks at the prospect of their visits.

Are you very dull, OP? Do you have nothing to say?

But she was only coming round to see your son. She wasn't coming to personally visit you. Your son lived with you hence the reason she visited your home.

Of course she stopped personally visiting your home as frequently when your son moved out to go and live with her.

In all your posts you are clearly demanding too much of their time and they are not going to want to visit you for a meal every week as you now seem to want.

I instantly recognised you from previous posts where have been told repeatedly you need to back off. I’m not surprised they want space. You clearly aren’t ever going to listen to people here.

You don’t put any of this pressure on your other children. You seem entirely fixated on your DIL and the repeated posts about her show this.