How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

It sounds like there are different perceptions going on.

You thought you were close to her as she visited often and chatted to you.
She probably thought she was visiting your DS and being polite while she was there.

You miss your 'baby DS' who took the longest to move out.
He thinks he's grown up and quite possibly doesn't want to be the 'baby' anymore.

Speaking as a DIL, when my PILs were in good health we used to visit them as a family (me and DH and our DC) once every couple of months. Then FIL died 18 months ago and MIL is in poor health and needs more support. So now DH goes more frequently than we used to, but usually on his own. Similarly I do the lion's share when it comes to supporting my parents.

Have you talked with your son about this? It seems to me that rather than assuming DIL 'hates' you you should maybe talk to your DS about the fact the you feel sad about this? Be clear that you're not expecting to be invited round every week but a couple of times a year would be nice, and you'd like to host the equivalent?

You're entitled to say you feel upset and slighted, and that it makes you worry that you'll not have the relationship you'd like with any potential grandkids if they keep being this standoffish. And if you can face it, ask if there is anything you've done/said that makes her avoid you because if so, you want to address it?

It could be not personal at all, it could turn out there's been crossed wires and she think you hate her or she's upset you. It's worth finding out.

Have you asked your son about it?

Are you projecting your disappointment at your sons lack of contact with you onto her?

“Only” half an hour. Is an hour round trip each way, so 2 hours driving in total to facilitate your visit. I think a bit of awareness of the “small” things you are asking for may help.

It does sound as though there is a bit of a back story and quite what the disagreement was before they got married.

Are you the person who posted previously about how mothers should be treated exactly the same on Mother's Day as this all sounds somewhat familiar?

No DIL yet (although stepson has a longish term girlfriend now). They generally visit together. When my MIL was alive I visited with my husband (and then with my son after he was born), unless he was just dropping in on his way home from work etc.

My DH never visits my parents without me though and I often go without him - I don’t think this is a DIL thing!

I went through a phase of not visiting my in-laws with my DH because he would always turn nasty to me at theirs.
As soon as we walked in the door it was like a different person, he would constantly try to show me up, argue with me in front of them and generally make me feel crap.

I missed seeing my mil but couldn't stand how he behaved. I was younger then (obviously) and didn't know how to address it because it seemed so crazy.

I don’t always go to my MIL’s when DH does because he often takes the DC over there so she can look after them when I’m out already/going out/fed up with them!

Before our children I rarely visited, possibly once every few months, dh would visit straight after his work while I was still at mine.

once the children were born we would visit once a week mainly on a Sunday which was so fucking annoying as they sat inside with windows closed even on the hottest days.

as children got older dh would visit on a Friday without me..

edited to say I got on with in-laws well, but hated that the expectation was that we visited them , they rarely came to visit us, which got annoying .

I have a good relationship with my DIL of 20 years but it's usually my son who initiates contact and does cards etc. Sometimes he or I will arrange a meal out/a barbecue and she always attends but if it's just pop in for coffee or meet up at cafe it's usually just him and (sometimes) 17yr old GC. I see it more that she's giving us space rather than any negative vibe. We've all holidayed together and had a great time so I know it's not personal. My sister's DIL won't allow any contact with son unless she's present and I know which I'd prefer!!

Maybe your question would be better being ''How can i improve my relationship with DIL?''.

I mean - there are so many variants here. The distance. Her age. Age of their relationship. Culture. Your relationship with your son. Your expectations and why ect ect

To me, the fact that you're already picturing HER damaging your relationship with grandchildren which don't even exist yet says more about you than it does her to be brutally honest ....

How far away do they live?

DH and I live 2 hours away from his mum.

Honestly, I'd be happy never visiting her again. However it's me that initiates most of the visits, if I left it to DH he could go years before he notices that he hasn't been to visit. Luckily for her, she lives in the same direction as my mum so we always go and see both.

Yes I do go on 99% of the visits but only because I'm providing the transport and seeing my mum. Otherwise I'd absolutely have got him to go on his own.

And if you want her to like you, you have to be likeable. My DM put the effort in with my DH. My MIL did not do the same with me. Result is DH would rather see my mum than his own.

Why does she hate you? Has something happened?

I see my in laws usually once a week, I might occasionally not go round if I'm really busy or want a break from DS but otherwise see them most weeks. Used to see them in the week when DC was a baby without DH. I'd rather see my MIL than my mum to be honest!

Why did you ask if they could bring you over? Do you not drive/live to far for a taxi?
If so that could be part of the reason, if it's a long journey they may not want to pop over and use up half the day travelling just for lunch there.

I see my MIL all the time. My DH is posted overseas and she comes a lot to do our garden, comes with me to school plays etc and takes my daughter for days out. My sons are grown up but also see her regularly. I haven’t seen my own mum in 13 years and my MIL has really stepped up for me. It is possible to have a good relationship but I do agree there has to be real affection on both sides for it to work. It wasn’t always easy between us as we are VERY different people but I decided I had to let a lot of stuff go over my head and now I really do care a lot for her.

I see my PILs more often then DH does! But I'm pretty sure the attraction is DDs not me. I didn't see them very much before we had children.

I always visit my my husband. And so do my kids. Sometimes I visit without my husband if she needs anything - for example when they moved houses I came to help.

Ah, that definately does sound as though they don't want to spend time with you yes.

Have you an idea why?